Monthly Archives: March 2012

Lyric Game

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Lyric Game

I am writing a song and thought it might be fun to do a compilation song with other writers that write poetry or lyrics to make a compilation song. This means I start the song with the first verse and other writers can submit lyric lines for the second and third verses, or even just a line that can be added on to by another writer. The basis of this song is all about games we played as children. This should be fun if I get enough submissions. Please keep the iambic pentameter of the song in mind and stay within that rhythm pattern.  Here is the first verse:

Sidewalk chalk on a broken walk

Hopscotch board still holds the rocks

Swinging through the air without a care

Monkey bar games near a big sand box

I will, of course give credit to whoever writes the lyrics I use. I plan on going into the studio this summer to record some new originals and would like to include this in the CD. If I get it completed I will send everyone whose lyrics I used a CD. This should be fun! Peace Jaz

Learning to Live

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Learning to Live

I just wrote one song at a time. Kinda like an alcoholic. One day at a time. Neil Young

The last week has been one of my most productive in a very long time. I am back on track with my writing, I completed one song from lyrics to melody to end, I started my plants for my garden yesterday in jiffy pots, sure signs that I am out of my stalemate and moving forward in my life. Out of the black abyss and into the light comes so much productivity in me that I had forgotten about and it feels great. I feel just like a child that has just begun to discover the world around her. The big difference, of course, I am not a child but an adult who is learning to live again, learning to breathe again, learning to use my natural talents that I have neglected for so long, I am learning to love again. Learning to love myself and those around me and it’s a feeling of warmth and happiness I had completely neglected and forgotten about. Forgotten were the joys that come from a warm smile, a laugh shared, a precious moment that will carry with me for my eternity.

My Astrologer is Messing with Me!

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My Astrologer is Messing with Me!

Aquarius Horoscope for week of March 29, 2012

Verticle Oracle cardAquarius (January 20-February 19)
Last December a woman in Tulsa, Oklahoma made creative use of a Wal-Mart. She gathered various ingredients from around the shelves, including lighter fluid, lithium, and drain cleaner, and set up a meth lab right there in the back of the store. She’s your role model for the coming week, Aquarius. APRIL FOOL! I lied, kind of. The woman I mentioned got arrested for illegal activity, which I don’t advise you to do. But I do hope you will ascend to her levels of ingenuity and audacity as you gather all the resources you need for a novel experiment. 

I guess Rob, the writer of Free Will Astrology, has decided to play an April Fool’s on my sobriety this week.  All I could do when I read this was laugh. It’s so funny how he gets the nail on the head so frequently and this week he hit my sobriety nail on the head. 

Signs of Life

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Signs of Life

Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you riding through the ruts, don’t complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don’t bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality . Wake Up and Live! Bob Marley

There are signs of life here. I see them, and I feel them moving in an inextricable force that is moving me closer to healing. When I completed the melody for the song I wrote, “Empty (Cease to Exist)” I knew there were signs of life in me. It’s the first song I have completed from beginning to end in 2 years and for once I am happy with the results. The final step is working out the rough edges and going into the studio to record, but that is by far two of the easiest steps I will have to take. There are signs of life here. I dream them, and they are moving in mysterious patterns to help me heal. I had a dream the other day about a friend that I had broke off my friendship with. When I woke up there was a message from her on facebook. Talk about your weird case of dejavu. We hadn’t spoke in months and the same morning I dream about her she sends me a message. I looked at the time she sent the message and it was about the time I was waking from dreaming about her. The dream I was having was not a good one, it brought to surface all the negative energy I was feeling about our relationship. Call it psychic energy, call it ESP, call it what you will, but for me it was just too strange that she should message after months of silence on that particular day and at that particular time. It’s a sure sign of life in my healing process that I am able to forgive myself for the mistake I made in our relationship and a definite sign that I am healing that I have forgiven her. There are signs of life here, I messaged her back and friended her, a sure sign that I am healing.

Waking to Rain

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Waking to Rain

The rain began again. It fell heavily, easily, with no meaning or intention but the fulfilment of its own nature, which was to fall and fall.
Helen Garner

I woke this morning to the sound of the pitter patter of the falling rain. My heart is yearning for sunshine, my legs are itching for a bike ride,  my hands are itching to paint outdoors. The consolation I have in the drops as they hit my window pane is the knowledge that with this rain comes the blessing of abundant flowers, sunny days filled with warmth and laughter, and the knowledge that very soon I will be able to go riding among the fresh spring smells of new flowers and trees bearing brand new leaves. For now I can visualize it in my mind, almost smell it, almost feel it. That is enough to sustain me for today, but please rain, bring me something special this spring, something I have never seen before. Bring me a memory to cherish and to hold onto through next winter and keep me warm through the chill nights. 

Chaos Reigns Supreme

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Chaos Reigns Supreme

I have great belief in the fact that whenever there is chaos, it creates wonderful thinking. I consider chaos a gift. Septima Clark

I just have to laugh. The major life changing events I have been through of late have brought with it chaos. I think I love chaos, isn’t that strange? Until a short while ago my life was filled with an almost manic need to destroy myself, digging myself deeper into a hole I didn’t think I could crawl out of. Now, in what has to be the fastest switch, my life is filled with utter joy and total chaos. Believe it or not, I am relishing the chaos, in some strange way it is giving me purpose and a meaning that has been missing for far too long. My daughter, who just turned 18, is now living with us and is keeping me very busy with her new found friend and all the things that we have to take care of getting her settled in here. My husband, who has been working out of state at a mine, only comes home for 2 days a week so there’s more things to add to my elongated to-do list. Then there’s my writing and my own personal things that I have to take care of. Many times people think chaos is a bad thing, but for myself, one who has struggled with sobriety, the chaos is actually helping me keep my eye on the ball instead of letting it wander to the bottle….What a joy! Whew, can I sit down now?

If Only For Today

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If Only For Today

Old friends pass away, new friends appear. It is just like the days. An old day passes, a new day arrives. The important thing is to make it meaningful: a meaningful friend – or a meaningful day. Dalai Lama

If only for today I am happy. I care not what tomorrow may bring after the trials and tribulations I have faced in all my yesterdays. For today I am at peace. For I know now that my tomorrows are in my control to make peaceful and happy based upon my actions. For today I am happy. I have washed away all of yesterday’s tears because they can not be taken back into my eyes. I am living for today. For the past I can not alter or change and tomorrow may never come. If only for today I am alive like never before. For I have let the demons of the past go and stopped worrying about the path of tomorrow. If only for today, because that is all that truly matters! 

A New Day and A New Way

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A New Day and A New Way

Forget the worries and the drama; life is too short. Let’s kiss slowly, laugh insanely, live truly, and forgive quickly.-Unknown

Up until a very short while ago my life was in complete turmoil. It’s amazing how quickly life can turn around and everything is viewed in a different light with just a few changes. Most of the changes that came in my life were pretty major, but they were all for the better. I feel I have been given a second chance at life in many areas that I had given up on. I had given up on myself and any hope of living in sobriety and that was a huge change.I have been living sober and loving every minute of it. I had forgotten what a joy life can be when you are not looking through a set of amber glasses, clouded over with alcohol. I have been given a second chance with my daughter, who I was sure I had lost forever. For that I am eternally grateful and I have absolutely no intention of letting that ever slip from my hands again. My relationship with my husband has improved 110%. It wasn’t really bad before but it wasn’t great either. Somewhere, I’m not sure when, we lost sight of each other. It nearly caused us to separate.  Now that we are back on solid ground I am so glad I finally had the where with all to see what I was doing wrong and have been given a chance at amends. I took our marriage for granted for far too long and in my blindness it was almost too late. It’s amazing to me how much things have changed in one month and I am ever so grateful that I was able to pull up out of the deep depression I was falling into. It was so deep I didn’t even realize I was going to crash and burn, but you never see that until you have moments of clarity and lucidity. I am going to take this opportunity that has been granted me and make the very best and most of it. For today is a new step toward a new day and a new way.

 

Blessings of New Beginnings

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Blessings of New Beginnings

“I have always been delighted at the prospect of a new day, a fresh try, one more start, with perhaps a bit of magic waiting somewhere behind the morning.” ~John Boyton Priestley

I have been given the chance at a fresh start with my daughter. When she last spoke to me and the last time she was here I was having battles with my rage and my drinking. As of yesterday she has come to live with me, a beautiful gift I never expected and was sure I didn’t deserve. This is a great opportunity for me to start a fresh relationship with my daughter and I plan to grab it for all it’s worth. I’m going to make a fresh start with her and do all that I can to show her that I have changed. That I have become stronger. That I am not the spiteful, mean spirited woman I once was. Oh, for the chance at new beginnings is a blessing that one should never cease to grab hold of and treat it with the care and love it deserves!

Empty (Cease to Exist) by Jaz

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Empty (Cease to Exist) by Jaz

Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly.

CONAN O’BRIEN

Yesterday, while watching the movie “Helen” starring Ashley Judd I wrote the lyrics to a song. The movie deals with deep depression and suicide, not alcoholism,  but it helped me get my thoughts down on paper about how I have felt dealing with my alcoholism. I am sober now but I know that I will always be an alcoholic. It has been most difficult for me to express why I have drank in the past and to such great extents. This is my first true expression of the depths of my lost soul to alcohol.

Empty (Cease to Exist) by Jaz

I’m poison fruit

If  you only knew how far I’ve fallen

Maybe you’d understand

The depths of despair in my wall and

I feel so alone

Even in the most crowded of places

Storms in my heart

But I just can’t see all the faces

 

Between pain and nothing

There is only this

An empty space in my heart

And I cease to exist

 

Drinking all night

Trying to erase all the pieces

Drinking all day

Never want to remember who I was

Oh, I feel shattered

Scattered into a thousand raindrops

Falling so far

I always wonder will it ever stop

 

Wanting to fade

At the bottom of amber is this

All empty space in my mind

And I cease to exist

 

Facades of Untruth

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Facades of Untruth

“Let us say what we feel, and feel what we say let speech harmonize with life.”-Lucius Annaeus Seneca 

I have always believed in speaking my mind, regardless. I prefer to tell the ones I care about exactly what is on my mind and I know my bluntness can get a little trying at times. Yes, I am a blunt person. Yes, I have hurt people’s feelings. Yes, sometimes I should hold my tongue. However, at the end of the day, I have found that by telling people exactly what I think, I have found much more clarity in my relationships. I have also found that those that can’t take the truth of what I feel have a tendency to walk away and never come back. Those that have walked away were not meant to be a part of my life so it is far better that they know who I am up front and walk away if they can’t handle the truth. Too often we humans hide behind masks, facades of untruth. Where is the happiness in a relationship that is based on falsehood?

What’s in a Name?

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What’s in a Name?

What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet. William Shakespeare

I have a nickname that I go by and for damn good reason. My mother named me after a popular Beatle’s song and I absolutely hate it. Abhor it! Resent it! My husband has only ever known me by my nickname, although he’s well aware of my real name. He called me by my given name to someone who is a complete stranger to me. She had friended me on Facebook and I was looking at her page wanting to learn a little about her when I ran across their conversation in her home page and saw he had called me by my given name!!! Now, I know this may seem trite, but it hurt my  feelings and makes me feel like he doesn’t even know me. I don’t even begin to know why he did it, what on Earth would incite him to call me  by my given name, especially to this woman that I don’t even know! I realize that they are fiends from way back but it makes absolutely NO SENSE TO ME and my feelings are hurt!!! Very hurt! Now I don’t even want to know this woman because what is she supposed to think when my husband, who has always called me Jaz, has given her a completely different name, someone who I AM NOT!  What is she supposed to think when everyone calls me Jaz and so does he and out of the blue he calls me by a name I NEVER use and no one calls me by that!!!!

Slow Down and Just Breathe

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Slow Down and Just Breathe

Aquarius Horoscope for week of March 22, 2012

Verticle Oracle cardAquarius (January 20-February 19)
As I was driving my car in San Francisco late one night, I arrived at a traffic signal that confused me. The green light was radiant and steady, but then so was the red light. I came to a complete stop and waited until finally, after about two minutes, the red faded. I suspect you may soon be facing a similar jumble of mixed signals, Aquarius. If that happens, I suggest you do what I did. Don’t keep moving forward; pause and sit still until the message gets crisp and clear. 

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Free will astrology really gave me some good advice for this week.I have a habit of jumping the gun and moving too fast into things and then wondering why I crash and burn! Also, what they had to say about nurturing my artistic side really hit home because I have been trying to get back into doing artwork again after taking almost a year off from drawing and painting. It was very good advice!

Birds of a Feather

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Birds of a Feather

“A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song.” –Chinese Proverb

We just built a bird feeder a couple of weeks ago out of some materials we had lying around, a flat whisker basket and some suede ties that I had cut off a set of boots this winter. After riding down to get a big bag of birdseed I have spent hours and hours just watching the different birds that come to our little feeder. There are warblers, finches, red winged blackbirds, robins and doves that I have seen so far. They are such a joy to watch with their funny little mannerisms and beautiful songs that fill my yard everyday. It is peaceful and a joy to my heart.

I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself. David Herbert Lawrence

Read more:http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/d/davidherbe188621.html#ixzz1phkerImc

Choices

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Choices

No one else can ever make your choices for you. Your choices are yours alone. They are as much a part of you as every breath you will take, every moment of your life.”

This is how it is. I made a choice to back off. What difference does it make at the end of the day,,,,,none. So there it is

International St. Patrick’s Day

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International St. Patrick’s Day

May your blessings outnumber
The shamrocks that grow,
And may trouble avoid you
Wherever you go.
~Irish Blessing

St. Patrick’s Day doesn’t just have to be about Ireland. My husband is Irish and I am Welsh, my family comes from Cowbridge, Glamorganshire, Wales. So every year I fix traditional corned beef and cabbage but for my side of the family I fix a dish called poten ben fedi. It’s a potato and leek dish that is delicious. St. Patrick’s Day is such a fun holiday and we can thank good old St. Patrick for driving the snakes out of Ireland for this holiday which has become very international. Have fun and celebrate this St. Patrick’s Day and think outside of the Irish box, so to speak!

Click here for a link to Recipe for Poten Ben Fedi from Jaz

Don’t Let Me Down

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Don’t Let Me Down

“A pier is a disappointed bridge.” ― Julian BarnesFlaubert’s Parrot

I remember the feeling of being disappointed as a child. My mom was really good at letting me down, on a lot of things. There were small disappointments, like the many times I wanted to go roller skating but she was more interested in going partying with her friends than taking me to the skating rink. Then there were bigger disappointments. When I told her my brother was beating me she chose to ignore it. That was more than a disappointment, that was a pain I have never quite forgiven her for. Now as an adult I find that I have had to disappoint my best friend and my daughter, and I am upset about it. My best friend’s brother died last week and I had every intention of going to Pocatello to support him, however I couldn’t go because of financial constraints here at home. I can only hope that he can find it in his heart to forgive me. Also, my daughter is having a very hard time adjusting to her new situation and if I had gone to Pocatello I could have helped her with the problems she is having. So, once again, and all in the same week, I have let two of the most important people in my life down.  I’m mad at myself and worried about both of them. I realize that disappointment is our reaction to expectations that we have of other’s and we shouldn’t have expectations because then we won’t set ourselves up for a fall. I think, as human beings, we just can’t help it. Everyone has a set of expectations and one can’t help but feel disappointed when those expectations aren’t met, we can’t help it, it’s in our nature. I only hope they can forgive me.

Do You Remember, My Love?

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Do You Remember, My Love?

Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose.  ~From the television show The Wonder Years

Do you remember the first time we met, my love? You stepped out of your red and silver truck and walked into my world and my life. It’s as if I knew from the moment I saw you that I would be with you, always. Do you remember the first time we touched, my love? It was passion unbridled. It was an intense expression of longing and need. It was music, pure and untainted. Do you remember what our joining did, my love? It saved me from a brutal mentally abusive situation to a man who took me for granted. A man that was trying to destroy me, and probably would have if you hadn’t saved me. Do you remember, my love? I do and always will. Thank you for being the most vital part of my life and my love.

This is our version of Landslide, it means the world to me and was one of the first songs we produced.

click here for a link to Landslide by Jaz and EZ Street http://www.myspace.com/music/player?sid=2550123&ac=now

Getting down

For the Love of a Garden

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For the Love of a Garden

It is good to be alone in a garden at dawn or dark so that all its shy presences may haunt you and possess you in a reverie of suspended thought.  ~James Douglas,Down Shoe Lane

Today, with the rising of the sun, my thoughts are on my garden, on warm sunny days, on the back breaking enjoyment of growing my own produce. I can hardly wait for spring to really be here. I am looking forward to planning out my garden layout, buying the seeds and plants and getting down to the nitty gritty job of breaking the earth, feeling the dirt on my hands and finger tips and just breathing the air. The enjoyment of raising a garden of your own has such a feeling of satisfaction and accomplishment. I love to watch the seeds grow as they push through the earth with their new green shoots reaching for the kiss from the sun. Oh the joy of a garden!

I’m Always By Your Side

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I’m Always By Your Side

“If I can see pain in your eyes then share with me your tears. If I can see joy in your eyes then share with me your smile.” ― Santosh Kalwar

My best friend just lost his older brother and I feel so much for him. I wanted to go down to Pocatello just to be there and support him but circumstances at home prevailed. I just hope he knows that I am always here for him. That’s what best friends do, support each other through the tears and pain and laugh with them in the times of joy. Boo and I have shared some of the happiest times together and some of the saddest. We have had so many nights just sitting and talking through the years. I cherish and value his friendship and I understand his pain. Boo, just know I am thinking about you!

Honesty Sux Huh?!

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Honesty Sux Huh?!

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” ― Marilyn Monroe

Sometimes being completely honest is entirely too hard for other people to take. I believe they want lies, it’s easier to soak in because that is what they are used to. When you are blatantly honest they don’t know what to think or feel. If you don’t like the truth then stay out of my playground. I will never cease to tell you the truth regardless of what you may think you want to hear. I am not here to coddle you or change your diapers. Poop is ugly, no matter how you look at it! Many times people expect you to eat shit politely with a knife and fork, screw that!

Absolute Truth!

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Absolute Truth!

Words are but symbols for the relations of things to one another and to us; nowhere do they touch upon absolute truthFriedrich Nietzsche

I finally saw the flaw in my humanity. I am weak, just like every other being. I saw my weakness as a frailty in my nature. Fortunately I saw through the glass for the weakness that glass is. Unfortunately the glass was broken.