I hate it when I see myself!
You are asleep, so quiet and peaceful. What was your name? I can’t remember. I knew who you were, once, only once. I see you, but at the same time you obliviate me. I am still invisible to you. I won’t share this in your face or on your face or any other face for that matter…in fact you will never find me. It’s ok I think…you don’t remember me. I’m tired, I think I will go to sleep now. I will take off my clothes, be naked and dream, that’s ok, you won’t remember!
Aquarius Horoscope for week of May 31, 2012
Should you get down on your knees and beg for love and recognition? No! Should you give yourself away without seeking much in return? Don’t do that, either. Should you try to please everyone in an attempt to be popular? Definitely not. Should you dilute your truth so as not to cause a ruckus? I hope not. So then what am I suggesting you should do? Ask the following question about every possibility that comes before you: “Will this help me to master myself, deepen my commitment to what I want most, and gain more freedom?”
Ok, Rob you can stop reading my mind any time now! Todd posted a blog this morning that hit the nail on the head, so I am sharing it with you. He must have been reading my mind too.
Most people will readily admit that they are afraid of failure.
But what about fear of success? Is it possible that you are afraid of success and it’s limiting what you want to do in life?
Do you often wonder why you are not as successful as you know you could be – or should be?
Do you blame it on circumstances? Time? Money? Or do you ever, gulp, blame it on yourself?
The truth is a lot of people are afraid of a lot of things. And there is lots of good advice out there to help you overcome many types of fears. But when it comes to success, most people who are afraid of it are not even aware of it.
So, how can you tell? How do you know if you’re one of those people who are afraid of success so you are unwittingly the one responsible for holding yourself back? CNN Money has a quiz you can take which includes the following questions:
- Do you feel guilty about your own happiness if a friend tells you s/he is depressed?
- Do you find yourself not telling others about your good luck so they won’t feel envious?
- Do you have trouble saying no to people?
- When you start a project do you suddenly find a bunch of others things you suddenly have to take care of?
- Do you believe that people who look out for themselves are selfish?
- Do you avoid asking for help because you’re afraid of bothering someone?
Did you answer “yes” to some of those questions? If you did, it’s entirely possible you’re afraid of success. But does it really matter? Is your fear really limiting you?
People who are afraid of achieving success can experience the following:
- A noted lack of effort in achieving goals, personal, school, or financial
- Self-destructive behavior
- Inability to make decisions and choices
- Lack of motivation
- Belittling your achievements
- Feeling guilty when you do succeed
- Making the “wrong” choices to ensure you will not be happy and successful
- General negativity
Clearly the answer is if you fear success then your life is less than it could be.
But what can you do? What can you do to overcome success-fear so you can get on with creating the life you want to live?” Get more here: Is Fear of Success Limiting Your Productivity?.
“If you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people.” ― Virginia Woolf
Ok, I will be the first to admit that I have been in a deeply pensive, philosophical mood the last few days. I get that way. Sometimes I blurt out exactly what I am feeling and forget that, at times, my honesty can be so blaring and blatantly painful to those who are caught unawares in the heat of my expression. I will not apologize for being honest about my feelings, but I will say that I only hope you understand that I need to express what I am feeling when I am feeling it. It is not intended as a weapon to wound you. The last thing I would ever chose to do is harm another by my words and certainly never with my fists. I just need to express myself or I will disintegrate and possibly explode. That’s not to say that I feel any particular way all the time. They are just vague but strong feelings that cross over my heart like a cloud blocks out the sun, but, as in life, the cloud passes. Please don’t take it too much to heart, this too shall pass! Never, ever forget that you are my best friend, you are the heart of my hearts and the love of my life!
I am not a BIG ONJ fan, but if the shoe fits
It’s amazing to me…I am standing right in front of you…yet you don’t see me….Jaz Fagan
I am the person who has shared the last ten years of your life with you. Loved with you, hurt with you, but still you don’t see me, yet. How much time do you need? I swear to you I am trying, but it’s never enough, is it? How much do you want me to give? I am exhausted by your expectations of me….I don’t think I have much more to give. I want to live my life, this one little piece that has been given to me and you are slowly erasing me, slowly destroying me, making me invisible. Thank you for that!
To poke a wood fire is more solid enjoyment than almost anything else in the world. ~Charles Dudley Warner
I am much like this. I am like that log in a fire, that until you stick it with a poker, I really don’t have much to say, however, once poked I rage with the poke of the stick or metal implement and I speak in pops and hisses, fire raising up its beautiful orange and red head. But, like most fires, I quiet down. I will speak my mind and then the cold and quiet will come until the next camper decides to put some more fuel to the top of the burning heat just under the surface of what looks cold.I am the representation of a furnace burning just under the surface. I will rest idle, and be perfectly ok with that. I am usually a hermit and keep quiet to myself. Like most hermit crabs, I am grouchy, moody and really don’t say much unless it’s important. If you have never been around a camp fire you have missed the happiness, on a very cold Idaho night, of poking the log and seeing the sparks and flames jump. You are standing in the wilderness and everything is quiet, You suddenly decide to take a poker and stick the log. Flames, sparks and ashes fly….Are you really surprised? That’s what you get for waking the fire….Heat…, your face is burning to the point where you feel like you’re facing the sun and the just as suddenly there is smoke in your face, gagging you. You can’t go far enough to the left without ending up in the rapidly moving river. Just as quickly the flames die down and the sudden quiet envelops you. It’s so quiet that all you hear are the crickets singing their violin harmonies and the pop and crackle of water being released from the log. You curl up in your sleeping bag and awake at 6 am in the Rockies with the sun telling you to get your ass out of bed and wash your face in the river. The flames have died, all that’s left are the memories of the heat and the crickets song, the cold earth under your shoulder and how much you wish you had brought a wash cloth to wipe away the ashes.
I discovered the secret of the sea in meditation upon a dewdrop. Kahlil Gibran
I am so used to my days being either entirely insanely busy or entirely quiet. Either way, it drives me crazy, just the same. I have the hardest time sitting still and just meditating on a single drop of water. It seems like I am always waiting for the water drop to fall, fall off a tap in a kitchen, fall from the leaf of a beautiful flower, fall in the garden. Just simply fall. Sometimes, o.k. most of the time, I forget to just look at the drop of water. All my busy mind sees is a crashing rolling sea of salt water waiting to suck me under her eddy and tides. To wax and wane me at her will. My mind refuses to see the simple rounded drops of a single little drop of water presented to me as a gift. My mind refuses to see the reflections mirrored in reverse and completely upside down. It’s like the saying that, “You can’t see the forest for the trees.” A different perspective, an entirely new perspective and my brain absolutely refuses to register this upside down “Alice” world and all it’s gifts and beauty. This surrealistic world where dreams are reality and reality dreams. This is the biggest down fall in my search for Buddhism and peace. I Can Not sit still. I thought, foolishly, that as I got older I would somehow achieve some sort of plane of simplicity, some sort of simpatico with the universe, but I find, as I get older, I am busier than ever. I am more active than ever in such a different way. I was amazingly aware of things when I was 18 and 19, 23 and 24. My awareness has taken on a different panorama. It’s as if my mind has become skewed and twisted. I still feel 24 in body and spirit, but it takes just one look in the mirror to make me realize I am seeing that dew drop that is waiting to fall off the leaf of the flower, that one mirrored drop waiting to fall off the tap, and it’s as if I am seeing it for the first time. This is not a depressed blog, it’s just a simple fact. I ride my mountain bike around without a care in the world, I see the beauty around me and it registers, I don’t feel 42. There is still this part of my mind that sees all the beauty that surrounds me. I am constantly reminded how alive I really am. I am so fortunate to be able to ride a mountain bike, walk and hike, enjoy my day, create art, make music, love and live. I realize that that dew drop, albeit upside down and in reverse, is just a reflection of my life, only older and still waiting, waiting patiently to understand when gravity will take hold. Buddhism will find me and I only hope it finds me worthy. I hope it finds me strong enough, worthy enough, and lotus worthy. I hope karma looks at my life’s journey and allows me the honor of coming back as a bird or a fish and doesn’t choose to turn me into a toad stool, no matter how many fairy rings I created. Don’t take this as a sad blog, it’s not, by a long shot. It’s simply an observation of my life and the life around me. It’s pretty cool that I am aware who I am and where I am on the food chain.
As she has planted, so does she harvest; such is the field of karma. - Sri Guru Granth Sahib Ji
Everyone is giving out awards lately, so I have created the Beautiful Karma award. The first recipient was Dolly at allaboutlemon. My second award goes to Lily at onemoremorning. The reasons for this are because she is such a wonderfully giving person. Lily is giving of her thoughts and insecurities, happiness and sadness. Lily takes time out of each day to read her fellow bloggers and give words of encouragement. She shares with you her tragedies and her apexes in life and will gladly loan you a shoulder when you need one. I see a wonderful path ahead of Lily and there will be, as there always are, speed bumps that, I have said in the past, may feel like gigantic trenches, but Lily, my friend, you are a survivor and your karma will be the wings that help you in those times of trouble! Peace be to you always….Much love and extra karma points, Jaz. Here is your award!
Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch. George Carlin
And so it begins! This is how my Memorial day starts off. Miss Rosebud is getting her beauty sleep while I sit at my computer slaving the early morning away over cups of strong coffee and a plethora of useless knowledge that beckons to be put to some philosophical, utilitarian purpose. Well Rosie my hat’s off to you, you had the right idea! Stay in bed, let the morning sun rise and eventually it will warm up enough outside where I can go out and lay once again in the warm sunshine and do what all dogs do very best….sleep! I have to give it to her, she may seem, at times, to be dumb as a brick but me thinks she has outsmarted us all!
“We must always remember, and never, ever forget and leave those we love behind.” Marion Ward
This is a youtube video I just produced of a cover we did of “Nights in White Satin” by the Moody Blues. The pictures are all from the last year and include pictures from a birth, my great nephew Hunter Miller, my nephews wedding, Jacob to Amanda Miller, Mike’s birthday/ Saint Patrick’s Day, Easter, and Kira’s graduation. Michael and I went into the studio and recorded this around 2008 and we still play it. It’s a beautiful song and I wanted to share with my family and friends what a beautiful year this has been. This is a great way to remember Memorial Day 2012. To all my fellow bloggers, friends and family “THANK YOU” for the beautiful memories you have given me, the wonderful thoughts you have shared on your blogs and on Facebook…I love you all and hope everyone has a safe and happy Memorial Day weekend….and as always, Peace Jaz
“One of the most beautiful gifts in the world is the gift of encouragement. When someone encourages you, that person helps you over a threshold you might otherwise never have crossed on your own.”
― John O’Donohue, Eternal Echoes: Celtic Reflections on Our Yearning to Belong
Ok , so I woke up this morning and opened my wordpress as I always do every morning to see what my fellow bloggers are up to and what interesting things they are writing and doing in their lives. I like to do this everyday and I only comment when I think I have something to add. So, to my surprise, I opened up wordpress this a.m. and what should I find? allaboutlemon had nominated me for “Most Beautiful and Versatile Blogger Award.” I have no idea what I did to deserve such an auspicious award, but I do thank her. Well, Dolly my love, one good turn deserves another. So, just for you I am creating the “Most Beautiful Karma Award”. And you my dear are the first recipient! So here is your reward and award, much love, Jaz!
And of course I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t also give you your own song Dolly, so here it is! Enjoy!!!
Grandmas hold our tiny hands for just a little while, but our hearts forever. ~Author Unknown
My grandmother was never this deep philosophical well that you had to fall into to understand her. She was this very beautiful, intelligent and artistic woman who simply told it like it is. I had a moment of Memorial Day nostalgia today when I was walking. Every year my Grandma would decorate the family graves of our fallen family members. Not all succumbed to war, per say. Each had succumbed to health wars, birth wars and many wars I didn’t know or even begin to understand at my young age. I asked my Grandma once why we went to decorate the graves every year. In my grandmother’s simple way she said, “Because we must always remember, and never, ever forget and leave those we love behind.” I never really understood that altruism until I got much older. She was a smart woman and, like I said, not deeply philosophical, just down to Earth. After the graves were decorated I could always count on a trip to the Purple Turtle for a chocolate dipped ice cream cone, the best to be found in 100 miles, and of course, my grandma knew this. I miss you grandma.
I used to think Boston was singing when Marion walks away, which is my grandmother’s name. I know now it’s Marianne, but this is still my grandma’s song from me.
Memorial Day; What Are We Memorializing?
What does Memorial Day really mean?, Why do we celebrate Memorial Day?
What is Memorial Day and why do we celebrate it with BBQ’s, picnics, family gatherings and visits to cemeteries to decorate graves? Many of us out there celebrate this annual festivity but how many truly understand the significance of Memorial Day and all that it stands for? How many can say they understand the historical significance of this much enjoyed three day weekend?
Memorial Day is celebrated on the Last Monday in May, in 2010 it falls on Monday May, 31st. It was previously known as Decoration Day and it was intended to commemorate the men and women who have died for the United States in service of the military. It was initially enacted to honor the many Union Soldiers who had died during the Civil War. One fact about Memorial Day that probably is little known to the average American is that the very first Memorial Day was observed by freed blacks that had formerly been enslaved. It was celebrated at the Washington Race Course, now known as Hampton Park, in Charleston, South Carolina on May 1, 1865.
The Washington Race course had been turned into a prison camp in the last year of the Civil War and hundreds of soldiers died there. Former slaves spent the last two weeks in April burying the dead soldiers intending to give the soldiers who had fought so valiantly for their freedom a proper burial and service. Over 10,000 former slaves appeared on that May in 1865 to commemorate the soldiers and cause that meant so much toward ensuring their freedom. It became officially known as Memorial Day in 1882 and was made Federal Law in 1967.
After 1865 Memorial Day has continued to be a significant day to memorialize our fallen soldiers in the wars that have occurred since then. It is just as significant today as it was back then, the only difference being the people our soldiers are fighting for, the country they are fighting in and the people they are trying to liberate. According to the latest statistics posted on 4-26-10 we have lost 4,393 U.S. soldiers in the Iraq War, or Operation Enduring Freedom as some call it.
This year as you go to celebrate amongst your family and friends try to keep in mind the true meaning of this much celebrated holiday and all it stands for. It’s not only about hot dogs, steaks, beer and celebrating. It’s also a time to take a moment out of our lives to remember all of the soldiers past and present who have sacrificed their lives to fight for our freedom, and not only our freedom but the freedom and liberation for many oppressed people through out the world. It is a huge sacrifice to make for a country that one believes in with their heart and soul.
This is a copy of an article I wrote two years ago for Factoidz, now known as knoji
Russel Ray Photos turned me onto this song and I thought I would share it with you! Thank you Russel
“Do not go where the path may lead; go instead where there is no path and leave a trail” - Ralph Waldo Emerson
She’s done it! My beautiful daughter received her diploma and is on her path to the future. The graduation ceremony was wonderful and I caught myself, more then once, wiping tears from my eyes. Watching my child walk up on that podium and receive her well-earned diploma brought so many wonderful thoughts to my mind. She has jumped the first big hurdle in her life, the first of many to come, and I couldn’t be more proud. I had nothing to do with her success as a student, that’s all on her and her own perseverance. I know she is a strong young woman and I know, by her personality, that she will succeed in whatever endeavor she chooses to undertake. That’s the biggest role a parent can play in their child’s life…having faith and believing in our children is one of the best gifts we can give them. Showing them our love and how much they make us proud is not only our duty as a parent, it is an important factor in a child’s development, and if we hold these little gifts back from them we are being unfair to the child and ourselves. I not only think of my daughter as the child of my heart but I value her as a best friend. I don’t know how other parents feel about their children or treat them but I share just about everything with my daughter. We play music together, we do art together, we both love to spend time outdoors together. Whether we are riding bikes, taking the dog for a walk, going swimming, it really matters not, What does matter, at the end of the day, is that we spend quality time together, talking about each other’s hopes and dreams and just listening to one another. This is what I value, this is what I love. I hope that you as a parent come to have the kind of wonderful friendship with your child that I have for mine, there really is nothing more precious than having a lifelong friend that is the heart of your heart and blood of your blood.
- Inspiration (twopartswhimsicalonepartpeculiar.wordpress.com)
I just had to share this. I found this this morning while looking for news stories for News From the muse and you just can’t make this up!
Man With Zebra, Parrot in Front Seat Charged With DUI – ABC News.
Aquarius Horoscope for week of May 24, 2012
It’s official: Dancing increases your intelligence. So says a report in the New England Journal of Medicine. Unfortunately, research found that swimming, bicycling, and playing golf are not at all effective in rewiring the brain’s neural pathways. Doing crossword puzzles is somewhat helpful, though, and so is reading books. But one of the single best things you can do to enhance your cognitive functioning is to move your body around in creative and coordinated rhythm with music. Lucky you: This is a phase of your astrological cycle when you’re likely to have more impulses and opportunities to dance. Take advantage! Get smarter.
Is Rob really telling me to dance?!? Does he not realize that I have two left feet and they are both going right? It’s so ironic, I can play music and keep a beat, but I can’t dance to save my life. Really, you ought to see it, it is something unnatural and un-synchronized. I used to love to dance when I was a little girl, did it all the time. I also was in gymnastics so I am not completely uncoordinated, I guess I just grew out of that whole I want to be a Solid Gold Dancer thing. I’ll leave the dancing to the “Dancing with the Stars” and in the mean time I think I will stick with crossword puzzles and reading books.
Run rabbit run
Dig that hole, forget the sun
And when at last the work is down
Don’t sit down, it’s time to dig another one
Up until Saturday everything was relatively under control. I spent all morning and afternoon working on my gardens. Pulling weeds, sending encouragement and love to the newly planted seeds and vegetables. Rosie decided to help, but her idea of help is what it is, not very useful…see for yourself.
At the end of the day it’s all good, I got my gardening done and she got her nappy-poo. Well, then it was time to get ready for dinner and a night out with my BF Boo. We hadn’t really sat down and talked in like 3 years because he lives 3 hours away and we had a lot of ground to cover. Boo and Nick, his younger brother, took me out for pool and we had a blast, but a very late night. Since Monday my week is already picking up speed like a runaway freight train. I have had no time to write until today, I have to go pick up my mountain bike which has been in the shop over a week, I have to get ready for my daughter’s graduation for which I have the fun of spending several hours on the drive from the Boise area to ISU in Pocatello and back again, thank Buddha for my Kindle. I have this insane list of things that I need to do before leaving at 5 am Thursday morning and I am already exhausted LOL. Now, my darling mother has informed me that she wants to put the car in the shop between now and Wednesday, and I am thinking, “That’s fabulous, but where on Earth do I squeeze the car into the few minutes of sanity I have left?”
I will manage, I always do, and guess what, everything on my ever increasing list most likely will not get done. Ciest la vie. I am only one person. Can someone sell me an extra day?
But I like to know that someone is stronger than I am. I want to be able to know that if I get tired, somebody is there to hold up the fort. I like knowing that I can’t pick a refrigerator alone. God did not make me strong enough to do that. Donna Summer
When I was reading the other day that Donna Summer had passed I was touched with a deep feeling of nostalgia and sadness. Nostalgia because my memories of Donna Summer are touched by some of my happiest childhood memories. I think it was around 1981 or 1982. We had moved to this great new house in the upper end of town and my mother had become best friends with Gloria, the woman who lived across the street from us. She had several children, including a girl my age named Lori. My mom and Gloria had a ritual of going out on a Friday or Saturday night every weekend. I would always end up over at Lori’s house. We would do what all little girls do, dream. We would take out her mom’s Donna Summer records and dream of the day when we would be old enough to actually go to a disco. Her mother had this great collection of disco clothes. The tight spandex type of pants that were oh so shiny. She had the spangled tops and some very cool disco dresses. We would raid her closet and change into disco outfits and put Donna Summer on and dance the night away, just singing and dancing until we dropped and then we would dream dreams of being Donna Summer. I remember thinking to myself back then that I thought that she was one of the most beautiful black women I had ever seen, in fact one of the most beautiful women I had ever seen. It was with a deep sadness that I read that she had passed because another chapter of my childhood had closed. Peace be with you Donna, wherever you are, and thank you for some of the best memories of my childhood.
An old friend will help you move. A good friend will help you move a dead body. – Jim Hayes
My best friend and my daughter’s Godfather, Brian or( Boo as I call him), is finally coming up to see me after the longest time and I am totally euphoric about it. If only he knew everything I have been through in the last few years since the last time I saw him and really spent some best friend time with him. If only he knew how many times I have nearly crumbled and fallen through the cracks into a black hole of despair. If he only knew how many times I needed his support, I know he would have been here in a heartbeat. We’ve seen each other through everything, divorces, marriages, children’s births and deaths. Now here we are, some 20+ years later, still the best of friends. If you have ever seen “My Best Friend’s Wedding” with Julia Roberts then you know exactly what kind of relationship we have. Fair warning! We are going to be out and about Saturday night and things always get crazy with us so you might want to clear a path.
I’ll be the first to admit that I am not the world’s best gardener, but I am trying. Does anyone recognize what could possibly be attacking my cucumber plants and what I can do to make it stop. I poured some water with detergent in it on them but I’m not sure that helped. Should I plant new seeds and start over?