Category Archives: depression

Getting the Funk Out!!!

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Getting the Funk Out!!!

Funk, I don’t think I have anything to do with funk. I’ve never considered myself funky. David Bowie

Ok, I am here to tell you that I have officially fallen out of funk! That’s right, the funk is over, I got funking sick of being in a funk and I am moving on. On top of being depressed about the whole CL attack thing, and the funking bass player thing I was totally funking sick. But, I am funking over it! :) I have spent the last 4 days in recuperation reading, something I never get to do. I have finished up “Uncle Tom’s Cabin” for the second time and I loved it more the second reading than I did the first. I also read Oscar Wildes’ “The Picture of Dorian Gray“, which I absolutely loved. His eloquent prose on art and hedonism touched such a deep nerve in me as an artist and musician. I wanted to share with you a passage I read that really hit home.

“The only artists I have ever known who are personally delightful are bad artists. Good artists exist simply in what they make, and consequently are perfectly uninteresting in what they are. A great poet is the most unpoetical of all creatures. But inferior poets are absolutely fascinating. The worse their rhymes are, the more picturesque they look. The mere fact of having published a book of second-rate sonnets makes a man quite irresistible  He lives the poetry that he cannot write. The others write the poetry that they dare not realize.”

With that I leave you with something fun  and different….

Defeated????

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Defeated????

Defeat is not the worst of failures. Not to have tried is the true failure. George Edward Woodberry

I have not been writing so much since last week because I really hate writing when I am down. However, it’s a week later and I am lower than before. I know that some of you caught my blogs about being attacked on CL, which I deleted BTW because I wrote in anger, and I hate it when I do that. I may have been able to delete the blogs but I can’t as easily delete the hurt and pain I am still feeling. I am also still utterly beyond understanding why some anonymous person would take to attack me on a public venue. I know what you are going to say. People are mean, people are jealous, people do things like this to make themselves feel bigger, etc. You can tell me that all day long, you can also tell me not to let it get to me. It still hurts. They attacked me right where it hurts, my music. On top of everything else we are still struggling with bass player issues. Every time I think I’ve got it figured out and we have everything on line, I am wrong. So, the band may never get going like we should, and a bass player is the only thing holding us back.  So, unfortunately, I am sad and my heart is still breaking. Am I defeated, I don’t know. I know I sure as hell feel like giving up. Sorry my post is so sad, but that’s all I have for right now. Thank you for listening.


Endings & Beginnings….

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Endings & Beginnings….

Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down. 
Oprah Winfrey 

I have been feeling very sad and stressed out. It all culminated in having to make some heavy decisions to move forward. So, today is going to be catch up day on everything. I have a whole inbox full of articles that need to be written today and fortunately I was able to complete 2 since last night. I had to go in and update the band’s webpage with a pic of the new bass player, Ken. I left Bob’s pic and stuff on the webpage because as far as I am concerned he is still a member of this band. I also updated new videos and put up dates that we are playing. All of this and I need to clean the house good today as we are having rehearsals here tonight to be ready for tomorrow. Anyone know a good maid? :)

With that I am leaving you with one of Mike’s favorite tunes….

Can’t See the Forest for the Trees…

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Can’t See the Forest for the Trees…

To see the forest for the trees (idiomatic) To discern an overall pattern from a mass of detail; to see the big picture, or the broader, more general situation. As demonstrated by the example sentence above, it is used in negative constructions, often starting with can’t or couldn’t.

There is nothing so disappointing as realizing that someone in your life has given up, given up on themselves and everyone around them. What’s even worse is when they give up before you even really get started. It’s hard to sit idly by and watch someone you care about spew negativity out of their mouth. They spew infectious negative thoughts that affect everyone around them. I have absolutely no tolerance for people that give up so easily, people that embrace their negativity and spew it out like an infectious disease to everyone around them. What is it they say? “Misery loves company.” I for one refuse to be a part of that type of hyperbolic miasma. My thought is go away and stay away until you hear a big “POP”. That would be the sound of your head coming out of your ass.

With that I give you The Rolling Stones….

How You Treat Others

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How You Treat Others

I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. Winston Churchill 

How you treat others and speak to them is a direct reflection of yourself. If you look down on others and treat them with disdain what is this saying about you as a person? On the other side of the coin, if you treat each and every person with courtesy and respect what does that say? Recently I have had the experience of running into both ends of the spectrum. I have had one person that was so rude and short with me that I will never speak with that person ever again. This person treated me as if I was no better than a little bug under their shoe. On the other hand I have met some very sweet people that have been warm and inviting and in the end formed some new friendships. In the middle of the spectrum I have a friend who is incredibly self-involved and only seems to be focusing on their own current negative situation. They are so busy having a pity party that they are completely oblivious to the people around them and the difficulties of their friend’s situations. If you are hurting, this person is hurting 10 x’s worse. You know this person. Rather than focusing their energy on fixing the situation they blow their horn vociferously to anyone who will listen about their terrible situation and how no one is helping them. Part of the problem with this, beyond the obvious, is when a person does this their friends will draw away from them like pulling back from a hot stove. Truly, it is ok to tell people your situation, but always try to have a positive outlook and a plan on how you can fix it. No one is going to fix it for you. If you sit and cry to people all day, everyday, about your situation you are 1. wasting energy that could serve a better purpose and 2. Pushing people away from you as surely as if you were a hot, flaming coal of self-pity. No matter how bad your situation is it serves you better as a person to always keep in mind that your situation could be worse and you are not the only one hurting in this world. We all need to vent and let our friends and family know what’s going on with us, but it’s ultimately important to take the high road and if one avenue doesn’t work, explore other avenues. Eventually you will find the road that works, and never give up. No matter what, keep in mind that the things you spew out of your mouth can end up coming back to bite you and push people away. With that I leave you with the Beatles, have a peaceful day :)

Taking Stress in Stride…

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Taking Stress in Stride…

Its not stress that kills us, it is our reaction to it. Hans Selye 

As with all things in life there is stress. For the most part I am taking the stress with music, the band, the clients and people who come to see us play in stride. I admit that it does get a little overwhelming at times. Ok, I lied, it can be hellya overwhelming and really stressful, but I’m trying hard not to let it get me down. The stress in and of themselves are minor, but they culminate as a whole and at times push me into wanting to lock myself in my room, shut people out and just gel for about 2 days. Unfortunately I can’t. We have these intense financial worries and until I start work on Monday and see some checks start to roll in I am going to have that on my head. Our mortgage is due and we aren’t anywhere near having the money to pay it, we spent our last bit of money on gas to get to the gig last night. No one made any more than the gas money we had already paid in last night so Mike and I have got to go get a loan to get through the rest of the week. We really want to help Giuseppe out but he has to respect the fact that we need to be getting paid to play, a real paycheck, not relying on the kindness of people’s tips to pay our wages. After Halloween things are going to change because we have to be getting paid, unfortunately we don’t have the energy or financial resources to keep playing for free. I will find someone to take over for us as soon as I can so that Giuseppe can try to keep his business going but I have to move this band forward. We will keep it up as long as we can, but we have had offers from 2 different venues and I have to take them for our sake because the band members have made it clear that playing for free is ok for now, but not much longer, and if I don’t move us forward I am running the risk of the band falling apart before we even have a chance to get started. I am not going to sacrifice this band for anything, we have all worked too damn hard to see it go up in smoke because we couldn’t make a decent nights wages for playing our hearts out. Don’t take this wrong, I am not really bitching here, I am just stating the facts as they are and trying to express a little of the stress I am feeling so that I can get it out of my system and push us forward. With that I leave you with John Mayer, one of my favorite guitar players/vocalists

Negativism, Rage, Anger and the Internet

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Negativism, Rage, Anger and the Internet

For every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace of mind. Ralph Waldo Emerson

I think we are all guilty of it. At some point or another we have gotten on our FaceBook, or our blog, I know that I have, and just spewed out all the anger or rage or disgust we are feeling at someone or thing we have felt treated us unjustly. I have done it in moments of rage, hurt and anger. Did it solve anything, absolutely not. Did it make things any better, well, I might have felt better for like 2.5 seconds. At the end of the day I came to realize that spewing that kind of anger may or may not reach my intended target. What I did realize is that the many friends and family and people I didn’t even know saw that anger and rage just as surely as if I was standing on the busiest intersection in the world butt naked. Do I want people seeing this anger and hot rage. No! Sure, I may be angry, but spewing out a diatribe of profanity and rage serves no purpose other than to alienate people you know and people you don’t even know yet. It completely turns people off. My advice to anyone feeling this kind of rage and anger at someone is to confront the person that hurt you face to face, not FaceBook to FaceBook. Take it from someone who knows, it will only come back to hurt you in some unexpected way just as surely as a boomerang comes back to the hand that threw it. Be peaceful my friends, if you’re angry don’t keep it bottled up, confront the source, don’t spew it out there for the world to see. Once it’s out there you can’t take it back, nor can you take back the indelible impression you will leave with all those people that you probably didn’t even know were seeing it. Just my Buddhist thought for the day and on that note I will leave you with No Doubt….

 

 

Letting Yourself Down

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Letting Yourself Down

Never regret. If it’s good, it’s wonderful. If it’s bad, it’s experience. 

I can’t help but feel disappointed about our gig last night. Our bass player threw out his back and couldn’t make it so we had to run the entire night without bass. Things felt like a train wreck and I probably gave up too soon. We didn’t do the best we could, the drummer did, he was a really good sport about the whole thing. We were all hot and tired and I felt completely lost when I realized that the bass player wasn’t going to show. I got caught off guard and was basically just throwing songs out there to keep things going. I was disorganized and I really should have been prepared better for exactly what happened. In life, I think, we get this picture of how things are supposed to be and when they don’t meet our expectations it throws a curve ball at us and suddenly we realize we left our mitt at home. Well I left my mitt at home last night and apparently my brain as well. Next time I will know better. I know that I am being entirely too hard on myself, I do that a lot. You know what they say, we are our own worst critics. The sad thing about it is I didn’t woman up and make the situation great, I just sort of folded into myself in disappointment, that was by far my biggest mistake. 

If You Could Feel What I feel Then You Would Know What I Feel

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If You Could Feel What I feel Then You Would Know What I Feel

I learned to be with myself rather than avoiding myself with limiting habits; I started to be aware of my feelings more, rather than numb them. Judith Wright

When you stop using mind altering substances, such as alcohol in my case, you are forced out of your little numb closet into the world of feelings. Suddenly you realize you are alive and you can feel. Those feelings can become overwhelming because when you begin to feel again every emotion begins to take on the proportions of a bright painting in the vivid neon colors that are so intense they hurt your eyes and you are powerless to turn away from the painting even though it burns your vision. Yesterday was just such a day for me. I went through my day just as surely as if I were a  zombie plodding along going down some strange path and going through the motions without knowing why I was doing that or where I was going. I wasn’t numb, in fact I was far from it, I was in a deep pensive funk that I couldn’t seem to shake and I burst into tears at one point for absolutely no reason.  I guess instead of taking the day off from my normally busy schedule I should have kept busy but I had no way of knowing that my mind was going to be in such a turmoil of mixed emotions. Sometimes being too busy can be a very good thing. 

It’s Not Fair!

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It’s Not Fair!

Sarah: That’s not fair! 
Jareth: You say that so often, I wonder what your basis for comparison is? ~ From The Labyrinth

I am going to whine so beware….LOL! Now that I have quit consuming my calories in mind bending beverages I am putting on weight. I have started riding bike, 7.5 miles a day everyday, to keep my weight and shape, but it’s not fair! I don’t eat anything out of the ordinary or glutton myself, but my families gene pool sux! My mother weighs in at 275 lbs and my grandmother weighed very close to that when she passed. I have always watched my weight and been super sensitive about my appearance. It’s good that I have put on weight, in November I was very sick and shot down to 125 lbs, but hell’s bells do I have to starve myself to keep from weighing over 150 lbs. My good weight is 140, that’s when I look the best. I stand 5’9″ and that is the perfect weight for my bone structure. However, the only way I get to maintain that is if I eat like a freakin’ bird.Well, I have been on the bike riding routine for less than a week, so I’ll just keep on keeping on, but dam, I still say it’s not fair. Ok I am over it now!

A Different Person

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A Different Person

“Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.” -C.S. Lewis

Everyone says I have changed so much in the last month and a half. Mike says I am a ray of sunshine. The funny thing is I know that I have changed inside, deep down inside. I am still crossing the monkey bars and learning how to cross while holding onto a banana and not fall. I am like a child learning all about myself for the first time, the exception being that I am an adult with a vast array of experiences, and some not very positive at all. The fact of the matter is that I am still grumpy, and at times, downright cranky. That’s just part of who I am. The banana I hold onto is the goal that once I cross the monkey bars I can eat my prize, that golden, yellow, delicious banana with its rich fruit wrapped so tenderly in a protective peal. I find that I am tired a lot more than I used to be and I don’t always feel like a ray of sunshine. There are days I just feel down and depressed, there are days that I just don’t give a shit. The fact is is that I am human and I still feel things, just differently because now there is no numbing, mind bending substance to take it away. I have to face my emotions head on and that isn’t easy after such a long and devoted career of inebriating myself from feeling anything. In this new life full of changes and becoming a different person the knives are very real, the pain they inflict deep and I don’t have the Novocaine to stop it like I used to. Yes, I have been given a whole new set of tools to deal with my hurts and ills, but they are still there and more real than ever, and that is hard! In the beginning of sobriety we are more than happy to grasp the banana knowing that one day we will be able to partake of it’s wonderful fruit, but no one tells you you have to swing across these precarious monkey bars of emotions and feelings to the other side before you can really enjoy the fruit, and if you drop the banana you get to start all over again. The thing that no one tells you about is the flood of emotions that may seem like they are going to overtake you. This flood of emotions happens because we no longer have a mind altering substance to blind us to the tidal wave that is rushing our direction.  

Shattered

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Shattered

I know it seems like I’m this strong person who can get through anything, but inside I’m fragile. I’ve had so many things thrown at me, and each one has only made a crack. What I’m afraid of is shattering.

I cried myself to sleep last night, yesterday was a really bad day and I haven’t wanted a drink more since I quit than I did yesterday, and I have never wanted to quit music more than I did yesterday. I didn’t give in to the unholy terror ripping through the core of my being, but don’t think that I didn’t want to. It is so hard to face the knowing, the knowledge that you have something really beautiful inside you to give and no one wants it. You are ignored and treated like crap by even the ones closest to you. You think I would be used to it by now, it’s been that way my entire life. My mother had an ignore button and she’s apparently not the only one. The day started out good, I found a sponsor, but then it just went to crap. What still sticks in my mind was when a person I like very much said something completely rude and snide to me. I was trying not to take up his time because I knew he was busy and I though his son was going to fix our beverages for us. Like an idiot I said this and he snapped at me and made a point of reminding me who he is. It hurt! What this friend probably didn’t know was that I was already a wounded animal when I walked up to the counter. Well my wounds were only going to get deeper before the day was finished with me. I sat at a table with my beverage and waited. Next thing I know my lead guitar player/husband was gone and didn’t say a word, I was left there sitting alone, beverage in hand and hurt. He was where I wanted to be. So I left and went home and cried myself to sleep. It’s morning and I am still crying. Why can’t my heart have a crap cleaner like my computer?

Picking up the Pieces

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Picking up the Pieces

Every adversity, every failure, every heartache carries with it the seed on an equal or greater benefit. Napoleon Hill

It’s been an absolutely terrible week and I have been beating myself up so badly about some failures I had this week that I couldn’t sleep last night. I kept going over and over things maniacally until I finally drifted into a less than peaceful slumber at about 5 am. I awoke asking myself, “Jaz, what the hell are you doing this to yourself for? These are fruitful failures because they are the seeds for me to try things differently. Seeds to not making the same mistakes again. Seeds just beckoning to open into flowers of learning experience.” As they say ciest la vie, this too shall pass.

In The Dark

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In The Dark

Truly, it is in the darkness that one finds the light, so when we are in sorrow, then this light is nearest of all to us.  Meister Eckhart 

I have been in a really dark place and I can’t seem to find the ladder to guide me out of this cruel hole I’ve dug myself into. My heart is breaking and my mind is floating in an abyss of lime green Jello. How did I get here? I think I need a change. I think Bill Cosby could bring me a bowl of chocolate instant pudding and I would feel better. Doesn’t chocolate pudding make everyone feel better? It’s cold and dark down here, won’t someone throw me a rope?

Metaphorical Breakthrough

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Metaphorical Breakthrough

Aquarius Horoscope for week of May 17, 2012

Verticle Oracle cardAquarius (January 20-February 19)
You may not have heard about the “forbidden colors.” And you certainly haven’t seen them, even though they exist. They’re reddish green and yellowish blue, which the cells of your retina are not built to register. However, scientists have figured out a trick by which these hues can be made visible. A few lucky people have actually caught a glimpse of them. I bring this to your attention, Aquarius, because I suspect you are close to experiencing a metaphorical version of this breakthrough — seeing something that is supposedly impossible to see. 

Boy do I ever need to have breakthrough, be it metaphorical or otherwise. This week has been a real struggle for me emotionally and I do apologize to my friends here at WordPress. Let me simply state this for the record. My Buddha blog is all about getting in touch with nature, my nature and the nature of those around me. As with most things in life you have to take the good with the bad. This week seems to be one of the bad ones. But, I do promise you and myself that it’s going to get better.

 

Rising of the Crane

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Rising of the Crane

“I will write peace
on your wings
and you will fly
all over the world.”
(Sadako Sasaki)

Please take the time to click this link and read The story of the Peace Crane It’s a beautifully sad tale about a little girl, Sadako Sasaki, that I found very touching.

This is my first drawing in the longest time. I have finally gotten back into the swing of doing some art work again and the first charcoal drawing I did was of this Asian Crane. I found the illustration of “The Farmer and the Cranes” in a book I have of Aesop’s Fables. Cranes are symbols of longevity and a rise to a higher status. This is a good starting point for me to begin doing art work again. It’s symbolic of my rise from a very deep, dark place into the light of a love so rich and filled with truth. A rise from ignorance to understanding of my own nature and the nature of those closest to me. A rise from stagnancy to motion. It is a very reinforcing image for me and I will carry it with me like the Crane carries beauty and peace on its wings, rising ever higher in the skies of love and serenity.

A New Day and A New Way

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A New Day and A New Way

Forget the worries and the drama; life is too short. Let’s kiss slowly, laugh insanely, live truly, and forgive quickly.-Unknown

Up until a very short while ago my life was in complete turmoil. It’s amazing how quickly life can turn around and everything is viewed in a different light with just a few changes. Most of the changes that came in my life were pretty major, but they were all for the better. I feel I have been given a second chance at life in many areas that I had given up on. I had given up on myself and any hope of living in sobriety and that was a huge change.I have been living sober and loving every minute of it. I had forgotten what a joy life can be when you are not looking through a set of amber glasses, clouded over with alcohol. I have been given a second chance with my daughter, who I was sure I had lost forever. For that I am eternally grateful and I have absolutely no intention of letting that ever slip from my hands again. My relationship with my husband has improved 110%. It wasn’t really bad before but it wasn’t great either. Somewhere, I’m not sure when, we lost sight of each other. It nearly caused us to separate.  Now that we are back on solid ground I am so glad I finally had the where with all to see what I was doing wrong and have been given a chance at amends. I took our marriage for granted for far too long and in my blindness it was almost too late. It’s amazing to me how much things have changed in one month and I am ever so grateful that I was able to pull up out of the deep depression I was falling into. It was so deep I didn’t even realize I was going to crash and burn, but you never see that until you have moments of clarity and lucidity. I am going to take this opportunity that has been granted me and make the very best and most of it. For today is a new step toward a new day and a new way.

 

Empty (Cease to Exist) by Jaz

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Empty (Cease to Exist) by Jaz

Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly.

CONAN O’BRIEN

Yesterday, while watching the movie “Helen” starring Ashley Judd I wrote the lyrics to a song. The movie deals with deep depression and suicide, not alcoholism,  but it helped me get my thoughts down on paper about how I have felt dealing with my alcoholism. I am sober now but I know that I will always be an alcoholic. It has been most difficult for me to express why I have drank in the past and to such great extents. This is my first true expression of the depths of my lost soul to alcohol.

Empty (Cease to Exist) by Jaz

I’m poison fruit

If  you only knew how far I’ve fallen

Maybe you’d understand

The depths of despair in my wall and

I feel so alone

Even in the most crowded of places

Storms in my heart

But I just can’t see all the faces

 

Between pain and nothing

There is only this

An empty space in my heart

And I cease to exist

 

Drinking all night

Trying to erase all the pieces

Drinking all day

Never want to remember who I was

Oh, I feel shattered

Scattered into a thousand raindrops

Falling so far

I always wonder will it ever stop

 

Wanting to fade

At the bottom of amber is this

All empty space in my mind

And I cease to exist