Grandma…

Aquarius Horoscope for week of November 22, 2012

Psychologists have done studies that suggest we subconsciously adopt the qualities of fictional characters we read about or see in movies. That’s not a problem if those characters are smart, ethical, highly motivated people whose ideals are similar to ours. But if the heroes of the stories we absorb are jerks who treat others badly and make messes wherever they go, our imitative urges may lead us astray. Right now is a crucial time for you to be extra careful about the role models you allow to seep into your imagination. You’re especially susceptible to taking on their attributes. I say, be proactive: Expose yourself intensely to only the very best fictional characters who embody the heights you aspire to reach. 

Build a plush orphanage in Minsk 
Feel sorry for a devious lawyer 
Rebel against your horoscope 
Give yourself another chance 
Write your autohagiography 
Play games with no rules 
Teach animals to dance 
Trick your nightmares 
Relax and go deeper 
Dream like stones 
Mock your fears 
Drink the sun 
Suck gravity 
Sing love

Who are my heroes? My Grandma is my biggest hero. She always told me I was beautiful and I could be anything I wanted to be. She supported me as an artist, musician, she made me get involved in gymnastics and dive team, she taught me how to sew and cook, and she always loved me unconditionally. She is my biggest hero and I miss her dearly.

I’m not a big country fan but the song fits! 

 

Falling Down

Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall. Confucius

Ok let’s just get this out of the way right now. I fell off the wagon. Don’t ask me to explain how or why it happened, because I honestly don’t know. Am I blaming some one or some thing, hell no! I did this all alone. However, the cool thing is I have my program and all my friends rallied around me to brush off the dust and apply ointment to the skid marks. I am still loved. It’s great to be an alcoholic because I have a village of Indians that stopped to see what fell off the wagon and rallied together to see what they could do with it….Yes, I can laugh because I may have fallen but I am not down for the count. I am loved and for today I am happy and sober.

Happy Birthday 2 Me!

Yeah, I know I drink a lot, I know I do because I’m a writer and that’s what I do, I drink. I’m not like those people out there, I can control myself! I can, if – that – if I wanted to, I could, if I wanted. I can! I can!~Gwen Cummings, “28 Days“

I had almost, not quite, but almost forgotten that it was my 60 days. 2 months, sobriety birthday yresterday. I almost forgot because I have been too busy being sober. I know that may sound crazy, but it’s really not. What is crazy is the amount of years, months, days, minutes and seconds I wasted of my life drinking into a dark hole. I can’t believe how busy my life has become since I put the bottle away for good. My music has taken a precedence in my life, I’m accomplishing more than I ever could have believed was possible. One night of my life a week is dedicated to “sober” night. It’s an open jam that I host on Tuesday nights at a coffee house and we get a huge turn out from my friends in AA and it gets bigger and better every week. We are getting more bookings than ever and now, by the grace of my sobriety we are booked to play at “John Doe’s” for a two hour acoustic gig in mid September. After that we have the Indian Creek Festival. I also have the distinct honor of representing my family and our Welsh heritage at the Scottish festival, where all the Celtic nations are represented. My grandparents would be so incredibly proud. I owe all of this to my persistence in remaining sober, the love and support of my beautiful husband and my wonderful family. Thank goodness I am a stubborn person. The very quality that makes me an obstinate person is also the same quality that saved my life. For that I am grateful! 

 

 

It’s Not Fair!

Sarah: That’s not fair! 
Jareth: You say that so often, I wonder what your basis for comparison is? ~ From The Labyrinth

I am going to whine so beware….LOL! Now that I have quit consuming my calories in mind bending beverages I am putting on weight. I have started riding bike, 7.5 miles a day everyday, to keep my weight and shape, but it’s not fair! I don’t eat anything out of the ordinary or glutton myself, but my families gene pool sux! My mother weighs in at 275 lbs and my grandmother weighed very close to that when she passed. I have always watched my weight and been super sensitive about my appearance. It’s good that I have put on weight, in November I was very sick and shot down to 125 lbs, but hell’s bells do I have to starve myself to keep from weighing over 150 lbs. My good weight is 140, that’s when I look the best. I stand 5’9″ and that is the perfect weight for my bone structure. However, the only way I get to maintain that is if I eat like a freakin’ bird.Well, I have been on the bike riding routine for less than a week, so I’ll just keep on keeping on, but dam, I still say it’s not fair. Ok I am over it now!

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Mothers and Daughters

If you don’t like something change it; if you can’t change it, change the way you think about it. Mary Engelbrei

Ok, so my therapist wants me to write a letter to my mom about all the resentments I have toward her. Damn man! Why? I am where I am in my thinking about my mother and I don’t understand why she wants me to dredge up past resentments that I have let go of. That is not the Buddhist way and I don’t like rolling that way. I think that a majority of women have resentments toward their mothers and no matter how good or evil their mothers are or were they are set up to fail no matter what they do. We daughters put a high level of expectation upon our mothers because that is the matriarch we look up to. It’s really not fair to them, if you think about. We take our mothers and place them upon this pedestal that I think not even the best of mothers can reach the pinnacle of and when they don’t reach our level of expectation we get angry and resentful. That’s not fair to them. They are human and fallible just like everyone, but I think we daughters look to our mothers as some sort of superhuman with no kryptonite and that’s our own fault. Sure, my mom was a self-involved creature and I know for a fact she never wanted children, but her moral beliefs would not allow her to “get rid” of us. She was more interested in partying and being free than being strapped to 3 children. Oh well, I can do nothing to change who she was then, I can’t change all the ways she let me down then, what I am capable of changing is the kaleidoscope I view our relationship through. I can chose to see all the colors as dark and bleak, or I can choose to see the color values that stand out the most, the positive colors and I can choose to forgive her and myself for not seeing all the pretty rainbow of colors sooner.

Picking up the Pieces

Every adversity, every failure, every heartache carries with it the seed on an equal or greater benefit. Napoleon Hill

It’s been an absolutely terrible week and I have been beating myself up so badly about some failures I had this week that I couldn’t sleep last night. I kept going over and over things maniacally until I finally drifted into a less than peaceful slumber at about 5 am. I awoke asking myself, “Jaz, what the hell are you doing this to yourself for? These are fruitful failures because they are the seeds for me to try things differently. Seeds to not making the same mistakes again. Seeds just beckoning to open into flowers of learning experience.” As they say ciest la vie, this too shall pass.

Ran Out of Steam and Happy FD

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. Steven Wright

Ok, so I have a twisted sense of humor. I have run out of steam. I’m grateful to all my friends here at WP for allowing me to vent. To Todd Lohenry and all you guys out there that are Dads, Happy FD. Sorry if I missed you, Todd is the only one I know for sure is a Dad because he posts about his kids on a regular basis, and proudly I might add…. If you are out there and you are a Dad, I wish a Happy FD to you too….Peace Jaz. I couldn’t think of a better song to dedicate so I went with Moody Blues….Hope it’s ok

Memorial Day Family and Friend Dedication

“We must always remember, and never, ever forget and leave those we love behind.” Marion Ward

This is a youtube video I just produced of a cover we did of “Nights in White Satin” by the Moody Blues. The pictures are all from the last year and include pictures from a birth, my great nephew Hunter Miller, my nephews wedding, Jacob to Amanda Miller, Mike’s birthday/ Saint Patrick’s Day, Easter, and Kira’s graduation. Michael and I went into the studio and recorded this around 2008 and we still play it. It’s a beautiful song and I wanted to share with my family and friends what a beautiful year this has been. This is a great way to remember Memorial Day 2012. To all my fellow bloggers, friends and family “THANK YOU” for the beautiful memories you have given me, the wonderful thoughts you have shared on your blogs and on Facebook…I love you all and hope everyone has a safe and happy Memorial Day weekend….and as always, Peace Jaz

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Grandma En Memorium

Grandmas hold our tiny hands for just a little while, but our hearts forever.  ~Author Unknown

My grandmother was never this deep philosophical well that you had to fall into to understand her. She was this very beautiful, intelligent and artistic woman who simply told it like it is. I had a moment of Memorial Day nostalgia today when I was walking. Every year my Grandma would decorate the family graves of our fallen family members. Not all succumbed to war, per say. Each had succumbed to health wars, birth wars and many wars I didn’t know or even begin to understand at my young age. I asked my Grandma once why we went to decorate the graves every year. In my grandmother’s simple way she said, “Because we must always remember, and never, ever forget and leave those we love behind.” I never really understood that altruism until I got much older. She was a smart woman and, like I said, not deeply philosophical, just down to Earth. After the graves were decorated I could always count on a trip to the Purple Turtle for a chocolate dipped ice cream cone, the best to be found in 100 miles, and of course, my grandma knew this. I miss you grandma. 

I used to think Boston was singing when Marion walks away, which is my grandmother’s name. I know now it’s Marianne, but this is still my grandma’s song from me.

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I Won’t Give Up!

“Do not go where the path may lead; go instead where there is no path and leave a trail” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

She’s done it! My beautiful daughter received her diploma and is on her path to the future. The graduation ceremony was wonderful and I caught myself, more then once, wiping tears from my eyes. Watching my child walk up on that podium and receive her well-earned diploma brought so many wonderful thoughts to my mind. She has jumped the first big hurdle in her life, the first of many to come, and I couldn’t be more proud. I had nothing to do with her success as a student, that’s all on her and her own perseverance. I know she is a strong young woman and I know, by her personality, that she will succeed in whatever endeavor she chooses to undertake. That’s the biggest role a parent can play in their child’s life…having faith and believing in our children is one of the best gifts we can give them. Showing them our love and how much they make us proud is not only our duty as a parent, it is an important factor in a child’s development, and if we hold these little gifts back from them we are being unfair to the child and ourselves. I not only think of my daughter as the child of my heart but I value her as a best friend. I don’t know how other parents feel about their children or treat them but I share just about everything with my daughter. We play music together, we do art together, we both love to spend time outdoors together. Whether we are riding bikes, taking the dog for a walk, going swimming, it really matters not, What does matter, at the end of the day, is that we spend quality time together, talking about each other’s hopes and dreams and just listening to one another. This is what I value, this is what I love.  I hope that you as a parent come to have the kind of wonderful friendship with your child that I have for mine, there really is nothing more precious than having a lifelong friend that is the heart of your heart and blood of your blood.

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I Need to Buy a Moment, Please?

Run rabbit run
Dig that hole, forget the sun
And when at last the work is down
Don’t sit down, it’s time to dig another one

Pink Floyd-”Breathe“

Up until Saturday everything was relatively under control. I spent all morning and afternoon working on my gardens. Pulling weeds, sending encouragement and love to the newly planted seeds and vegetables. Rosie decided to help, but her idea of help is what it is, not very useful…see for yourself.

 

At the end of the day it’s all good, I got my gardening done and she got her nappy-poo. Well, then it was time to get ready for dinner and a night out with my BF Boo. We hadn’t really sat down and talked in like 3 years because he lives 3 hours away and we had a lot of ground to cover. Boo and Nick, his younger brother, took me out for pool and we had a blast, but a very late night. Since Monday my week is already picking up speed like a runaway freight train. I have had no time to write until today, I have to go pick up my mountain bike which has been in the shop over a week, I have to get ready for my daughter’s graduation for which I have the fun of spending several hours on the drive from the Boise area to ISU in Pocatello and back again, thank Buddha for my Kindle. I have this insane list of things that I need to do before leaving at 5 am Thursday morning and I am already exhausted LOL. Now, my darling mother has informed me that she wants to put the car in the shop between now and Wednesday, and I am thinking, “That’s fabulous, but where on Earth do I squeeze the car into the few minutes of sanity I have left?”  

I will manage, I always do, and guess what, everything on my ever increasing list most likely will not get done. Ciest la vie. I am only one person. Can someone sell me an extra day? 

It’s Been A Long Time, Too Long!

An old friend will help you move. A good friend will help you move a dead body. – Jim Hayes

My best friend and my daughter’s Godfather, Brian or( Boo as I call him), is finally coming up to see me after the longest time and I am totally euphoric about it. If only he knew everything I have been through in the last few years since the last time I saw him and really spent some best friend time with him. If only he knew how many times I have nearly crumbled and fallen through the cracks into a black hole of despair. If he only knew how many times I needed his support, I know he would have been here in a heartbeat. We’ve seen each other through everything, divorces, marriages, children’s births and deaths. Now here we are, some 20+ years later, still the best of friends. If you have ever seen “My Best Friend’s Wedding” with Julia Roberts then you know exactly what kind of relationship we have.  Fair warning! We are going to be out and about Saturday night and things always get crazy with us so you might want to clear a path. 

I Never Promised you a Rose Garden

“There is nothing that you can do to me that my own craziness doesn’t do to me smarter and faster and better.” ― Joanne Greenberg, I Never Promised You a Rose Garden

I never swore I was going to be perfect or idyllic. I never swore I was going to be this perfect image of a wife, a mother or a daughter. I think sometimes you forget that I am human. I am a human first and always, therefore I am prone to make errors and mistakes. I never said that it was all going to be perfect, it mostly never is. I strive, just like most people, to be the best I can on any given day. That concept, however, is prone to come asunder to my mood swings on any given day. When I created this blog on the eve of the New Year I swore I would try to write everyday. Most of the time I do, but sometimes, yes sometimes, I just don’t give a crap because I don’t want others to see exactly how black my mood is. Today is one of those days, and guess what, most of the time I am positive about life and all its funny little speed bumps. Today those speed bumps feel like massive trenches. Sorry, never said it was going to be all roses and butterflies. It is what it is. Now, would someone please hand me my helmet….I’m going in….  

A Letter to My Mother on Mother’s Day

My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it. Mark Twain

Mom,

I realize that I was a very spirited child from the get go, even before I was born. You love to tell friends how I was supposed to be born in December but refused to come out of the womb until February. The fact of the matter is I must have liked it in there. It takes a special kind of strength to deal with my eccentricities, my hippy Bohemian ways, my artistic temper tantrums, my drunken revelries and all that has gone along with being my mom. You have always supported my artistic temperament and before you got sick I have cherished the memories of all my gigs that you have gone to and supported me in just by your presence alone. I’m sure you must be my #1 fan. I am fortunate to have a mother that has always supported me in whatever “new” endeavor I have chosen to take on….I love you Mom…Happy Mother’s Day! Your Daughter, Jaz

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Congratulations Kira!

I hope your dreams take you to the corners of your smiles, to the highest of your hopes, to the windows of your opportunities, and to the most special places your heart has ever known.  ~Author Unknown

My beautiful daughter is packing today to head to Pocatello for her Graduation and I am so excited for her. The best gift I could have ever received this Mother’s Day is the gift of seeing my only child succeed. I have been truly blessed with a talented, beautiful young woman. She has this magic touch and everything she comes into contact seems to hold some sort of magic for her. She has a great many people who love and absolutely adore her, myself included. What more could a mother ask for than to blessed with such a beautiful child? She has the whole world in front of her and it is my sincerest wish that she should grab the world and taste of its many bountiful fruits. I want you to know Kira how very proud I am of you and that I love you with all my heart and more! Love, your mom.

 

Relax!

There’s never enough time to do all the nothing you want.  ~Bill Watterson,Calvin and Hobbes

We went out to the lake yesterday. It was a beautiful day and I was feeling rather tense and down. I am not really sure why. My life is good, I just gained another level in my writing credentials, I went up from a  level 3 writer to a level 4 on Knoji after about 2 years, I am accomplishing more than ever since maintaining my sobriety and most of my sanity. I just couldn’t seem to get my head out of “that” place. My daughter had a great time, and I think that’s all that really matters. She took a bunch of very cool pictures I thought I would share with you. She is such an artistic little soul and it shows in her photos.

I hate having my photo taken and of course she had to take this one while I was reading

I took this one of her

I had to include this Eagles video…peace everyone!

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Foundations

Aquarius Horoscope for week of May 10, 2012

If you’ve been tuning in to my horoscopes during the past months, you’re aware that I have been encouraging you to refine and deepen the meaning of home. You know that I have been urging you to get really serious about identifying what kind of environment you need in order to thrive; I’ve been asking you to integrate yourself into a community that brings out the best in you; I’ve been nudging you to create a foundation that will make you strong and sturdy for a long time. Now it’s time to finish up your intensive work on these projects. You’ve got about four more weeks before a new phase of your life’s work will begin. 

 

Although I am not a believer in horoscopes per say, but I always love Rob Brezney’s sound advice on my horoscopes and that is why I publish it in my blogs each week. There have been some weeks where he has missed the mark, but most the time I find he seems to have his finger on the pulse of what may be happening in my life at that time. I have really been focusing on my environment the last few weeks, including things like planting my garden, making time for art work and music and making more time to read. I have also been working steadily on my sobriety, as many who follow my blog know. I have been embracing and trying to understand what works and doesn’t work for me. This is just a little thank you to Rob for his wonderful little snippets of advice, you have been unseen in person but a loudly heard positive influence in my ever chaotic, ever expanding world!

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Strange Dream

Later, however, I came to recognize the objective nature of these dreams or fantasies … Thus it was that I gradually came to acknowledge that such fantasies or dreams are neither meaningless nor purely arbitrary but rather convey a sort of ‘second meaning’ of the terms applied. Wolfgang Pauli

I awoke this morning from the strangest dream. I was dreaming about Chris, my daughter’s biological father, a man I hadn’t thought about in years. The dream was strange and unsettling. It may be that I had the dream because my daughter, Kira, is soon to graduate and I realize the vast chasm that is between her life and his. I also feel the vacuum at times when she speaks of him, which isn’t often. It could be that when we went for a walk together the other day we spoke briefly of her father. She has no desire to see him and neither do I. He gave up all those rights 17 and 3/4 years ago when he chose to continue using meth. I gave him a clear and concise choice, it was either Kira and I or the drugs, he made his obvious choice. It saddens me that a man, who was clearly so loving couldn’t find the inner strength to choose to do the right thing. To choose a loving caring family over a drug riddled future that led absolutely no where but to purgatory and misery. We each of us make our choices, for the good or the better, the bed we make is the one we lie in.

Crazy Dayz

Always gotta keep busy or the voices start telling me to do wild things. Steve Brown

This has been a very busy and creative week for me and Kira. We completed 10 of the light switch covers, I finished a new sketch and finished writing a new song with Michael. Unbelievable, even to myself, I managed to finish planting my entire garden and managed to read 3 books. Yes, I finished that damn civil war book, read a biography of Harriett Tubman and read another autobiography about the true story of a slave girl that finally managed to escape from her oppressors. I have now started reading another book about the war in the west during the civil war era. I don’t know what’s gotten into me but this last week has been one of my most productive in months and I’m loving every minute of it.

Here is the sketch called “Masquerade” drawn from a photo I saw on a blog:

 

 And here are some pics of the light switch covers we painted:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Needless to say it has been a busy, busy week and here’s how Kira looked after all was done and said:

Mother and Daughter

An idea that is developed and put into action is more important than an idea that exists only as an idea. - Buddha

I came up with a brilliant little idea and it has been coming to fruition. My daughter and I are going to be playing the Caldwell Farmer’s Market this summer and I thought it might be a good idea to come up with something creative that we could sell besides our music. We have been diligently working on decorator light switch covers for the last few weeks and will have 20 covers finished before the market starts. I am so excited about the market this year. It will be the first time I have ever performed with my daughter before and I’m happy to see that she is as excited as I am. So, inbetween working on switch covers we have been working on our new set list and I have added about 30 new songs to my repertoire, including a new original and revisiting some old originals I wrote about 10 years ago. It’s nice to revisit the old and really fun getting some new songs under my belt. I can’t even begin to express the happiness I feel at the idea of playing live music with my daughter as a team!

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