Category Archives: heartbreak

Reflecting….

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Reflecting….

I’ve come to believe that all my past failure and frustration were actually laying the foundation for the understandings that have created the new level of living I now enjoy. Tony Robbins 

It’s hard to believe that I started this blog almost a year ago. I started writing this blog on New Year’s Eve 2011 and as it almost dawns on New Year’s Eve 2012 I was thinking back at the amazing amount of changes that have occurred in our lives over the last year. When I started this blog Michael and I had just gotten back together after a forced separation due to legal circumstances. We almost broke up several times at the beginning of 2012 and, in fact, I almost left him and he almost left me more than once. We both struggled with bouts of alcoholism, me more than him. We went through the AA program together and are stronger for it. This last year I have hit some of my darkest nights and yet at other times I have seen some of my brightest days. In the last year we have lost “friends” to betrayal and back stabbing, we have lost musician friends, but at the end of the day our relationship has grown stronger through all the trials and tribulations. We have grown closer as friends and our love has grown deeper. We have managed to regain something through our music, that something special that has always been the glue that held us together.

During the last year I gained some of the lost time with my daughter and grown closer than ever to my mother. I have become a better rhythm guitar player and taught myself to sing in Welsh. I have learned more about myself as a musician in the last year than I have in 42 years of life. We have played some really fantastic gigs over the last year, and have many more to come. I moved up in the writing world from being an internet writer to writing for a real magazine and making my worth for the articles I write. My photography editing skills are getting better and better and I am continuing to work on my dream collage. I have no idea when, if ever that will be finished. It’s an ever evolving dream journal in images. 

I have seen friendships end and new friendships sprout. I have also seen friendships that I thought were dead in the water re-sprout with new life of forgiveness and understanding. With each dying flower a new one sprouts in its place, a more beautiful one I believe, richer in color and smell. At the end of the day, and almost year, life is very good. It is as hard as it ever was, but we are happy, and I know that come what may Michael and I will continue to grow together, to love together, and to perform together. Life is very good my friends!

With that I leave you with The Supremes and the beautiful Diana Ross…

Defeated????

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Defeated????

Defeat is not the worst of failures. Not to have tried is the true failure. George Edward Woodberry

I have not been writing so much since last week because I really hate writing when I am down. However, it’s a week later and I am lower than before. I know that some of you caught my blogs about being attacked on CL, which I deleted BTW because I wrote in anger, and I hate it when I do that. I may have been able to delete the blogs but I can’t as easily delete the hurt and pain I am still feeling. I am also still utterly beyond understanding why some anonymous person would take to attack me on a public venue. I know what you are going to say. People are mean, people are jealous, people do things like this to make themselves feel bigger, etc. You can tell me that all day long, you can also tell me not to let it get to me. It still hurts. They attacked me right where it hurts, my music. On top of everything else we are still struggling with bass player issues. Every time I think I’ve got it figured out and we have everything on line, I am wrong. So, the band may never get going like we should, and a bass player is the only thing holding us back.  So, unfortunately, I am sad and my heart is still breaking. Am I defeated, I don’t know. I know I sure as hell feel like giving up. Sorry my post is so sad, but that’s all I have for right now. Thank you for listening.


Best Friend….

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Best Friend….

 Don’t cry when the sun is gone, because the tears won’t let you see the stars. Violeta Parra

We had a falling out, Donna and I did. We both did some stupid things to each other that caused a friendship of over 27 years to fall away, awash in mistrust and lies. We really stopped our friendship about a year ago and I won’t go into the reasons why here, it’s irrelevant. Needless to say, we have finally forgiven each other. It took some time and some work, but we are friends once again. Yes, we have renewed our friendship but there is a certain amount of trust that has been shattered and can’t ever be retrieved. No matter what I can always forgive, but I will never forget, I can’t, the pain is still too fresh, too new. So, we are friends at arms length. Is it good to have her back in my life, I don;t know yet…..That remains to be seen. On the other hand, my best friend, Brian (Boo), who is my daughter’s Godfather, pretty much blew me off. We were supposed to go do something together while he was here from Pocatello and we didn’t. He stopped in to see me for like a 1/2 hour on Tuesday and that was it. He has gone back home now. I had asked him to stick around and come see us play tonight at The Gathering Place, but he wanted to be home yesterday. It hurts that he didn’t make more time for me. Ci est la vie.

With that I leave you with queen…

 

The Hardest Thing….

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The Hardest Thing….

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. Emo Philips

It appears that I am caught in some sort of karmic justice boomerang. I keep running into people from my past that I thought were long gone. I find, even after all this time, literally years, I still have trouble letting go of “stuff”. Believe me I try, but it isn’t easy. The Buddhist in me says that I must forgive and let go in order to move forward, but it is so hard when all these mix of emotions come welling up inside. You put on a good face and just try to pretend like everything is ok, when deep down inside you know it’s not. You’re standing there smiling at this person that hurt you, you are saying “Hi” and all the general small talk, and you know that you are simply putting on a false front, you are bald face lying when your smiling! I don’t know whether I hate myself more for being fake and pretending a false forgiveness that I don’t honestly feel or whether I hate myself more so for my inability to let go and go on. I am trying to grow as a Buddhist and I find that at times like this my faith and belief is really put to the test. Maybe this is karma’s way of giving them a chance to say “I am sorry”. I don’t know. I do know that two simple words go a long way toward mending the bridge of past hurts and ill will. With that I leave you with one of my all time favorite heartbreak songs…..

 

Can’t See the Forest for the Trees…

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Can’t See the Forest for the Trees…

To see the forest for the trees (idiomatic) To discern an overall pattern from a mass of detail; to see the big picture, or the broader, more general situation. As demonstrated by the example sentence above, it is used in negative constructions, often starting with can’t or couldn’t.

There is nothing so disappointing as realizing that someone in your life has given up, given up on themselves and everyone around them. What’s even worse is when they give up before you even really get started. It’s hard to sit idly by and watch someone you care about spew negativity out of their mouth. They spew infectious negative thoughts that affect everyone around them. I have absolutely no tolerance for people that give up so easily, people that embrace their negativity and spew it out like an infectious disease to everyone around them. What is it they say? “Misery loves company.” I for one refuse to be a part of that type of hyperbolic miasma. My thought is go away and stay away until you hear a big “POP”. That would be the sound of your head coming out of your ass.

With that I give you The Rolling Stones….

How You Treat Others

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How You Treat Others

I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. Winston Churchill 

How you treat others and speak to them is a direct reflection of yourself. If you look down on others and treat them with disdain what is this saying about you as a person? On the other side of the coin, if you treat each and every person with courtesy and respect what does that say? Recently I have had the experience of running into both ends of the spectrum. I have had one person that was so rude and short with me that I will never speak with that person ever again. This person treated me as if I was no better than a little bug under their shoe. On the other hand I have met some very sweet people that have been warm and inviting and in the end formed some new friendships. In the middle of the spectrum I have a friend who is incredibly self-involved and only seems to be focusing on their own current negative situation. They are so busy having a pity party that they are completely oblivious to the people around them and the difficulties of their friend’s situations. If you are hurting, this person is hurting 10 x’s worse. You know this person. Rather than focusing their energy on fixing the situation they blow their horn vociferously to anyone who will listen about their terrible situation and how no one is helping them. Part of the problem with this, beyond the obvious, is when a person does this their friends will draw away from them like pulling back from a hot stove. Truly, it is ok to tell people your situation, but always try to have a positive outlook and a plan on how you can fix it. No one is going to fix it for you. If you sit and cry to people all day, everyday, about your situation you are 1. wasting energy that could serve a better purpose and 2. Pushing people away from you as surely as if you were a hot, flaming coal of self-pity. No matter how bad your situation is it serves you better as a person to always keep in mind that your situation could be worse and you are not the only one hurting in this world. We all need to vent and let our friends and family know what’s going on with us, but it’s ultimately important to take the high road and if one avenue doesn’t work, explore other avenues. Eventually you will find the road that works, and never give up. No matter what, keep in mind that the things you spew out of your mouth can end up coming back to bite you and push people away. With that I leave you with the Beatles, have a peaceful day :)

Negativism, Rage, Anger and the Internet

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Negativism, Rage, Anger and the Internet

For every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace of mind. Ralph Waldo Emerson

I think we are all guilty of it. At some point or another we have gotten on our FaceBook, or our blog, I know that I have, and just spewed out all the anger or rage or disgust we are feeling at someone or thing we have felt treated us unjustly. I have done it in moments of rage, hurt and anger. Did it solve anything, absolutely not. Did it make things any better, well, I might have felt better for like 2.5 seconds. At the end of the day I came to realize that spewing that kind of anger may or may not reach my intended target. What I did realize is that the many friends and family and people I didn’t even know saw that anger and rage just as surely as if I was standing on the busiest intersection in the world butt naked. Do I want people seeing this anger and hot rage. No! Sure, I may be angry, but spewing out a diatribe of profanity and rage serves no purpose other than to alienate people you know and people you don’t even know yet. It completely turns people off. My advice to anyone feeling this kind of rage and anger at someone is to confront the person that hurt you face to face, not FaceBook to FaceBook. Take it from someone who knows, it will only come back to hurt you in some unexpected way just as surely as a boomerang comes back to the hand that threw it. Be peaceful my friends, if you’re angry don’t keep it bottled up, confront the source, don’t spew it out there for the world to see. Once it’s out there you can’t take it back, nor can you take back the indelible impression you will leave with all those people that you probably didn’t even know were seeing it. Just my Buddhist thought for the day and on that note I will leave you with No Doubt….

 

 

Letting Yourself Down

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Letting Yourself Down

Never regret. If it’s good, it’s wonderful. If it’s bad, it’s experience. 

I can’t help but feel disappointed about our gig last night. Our bass player threw out his back and couldn’t make it so we had to run the entire night without bass. Things felt like a train wreck and I probably gave up too soon. We didn’t do the best we could, the drummer did, he was a really good sport about the whole thing. We were all hot and tired and I felt completely lost when I realized that the bass player wasn’t going to show. I got caught off guard and was basically just throwing songs out there to keep things going. I was disorganized and I really should have been prepared better for exactly what happened. In life, I think, we get this picture of how things are supposed to be and when they don’t meet our expectations it throws a curve ball at us and suddenly we realize we left our mitt at home. Well I left my mitt at home last night and apparently my brain as well. Next time I will know better. I know that I am being entirely too hard on myself, I do that a lot. You know what they say, we are our own worst critics. The sad thing about it is I didn’t woman up and make the situation great, I just sort of folded into myself in disappointment, that was by far my biggest mistake. 

It’s Too Late

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It’s Too Late

There are two lasting bequests we can give our children.  One is roots.  The other is wings.  ~Hodding Carter, Jr.

My daughter has informed me that she’s leaving to Alaska on Saturday. She’s leaving and spreading her wings. I tried to explain to her that she’s leaving what feels like a cage here to a cage there. She’s running scared because she’s pregnant. I tried to tell her that changing scenery is not going to alter circumstance. Of course she won’t listen to me, I’m only her mother. She’s running away from me and herself to grandparents that she doesn’t know and they don’t know her. They are the ones that sent her the plane tickets, not just for her but for her boyfriend that is leading her around by the nose. Don’t even get me started on the boy’s mother. She’s just happy that a girl, my foolish daughter, is getting her lazy, good-for-nothing son out of her hair. Why did it have to be my daughter that finally got this lazy boy off his lazy ass and out of his mother’s home? My daughter sent me a message on Facebook that she wanted to see me before she left and I told her “no”. I will not apologize for refusing to see my daughter off to a foolish expedition without a plan or any foresight. I know me too well, anything I say to her is surely going to sound like judgment and it will come across harsh. So, I chose not to see her. I choose not to see her because as surely as the Earth rotates on it’s axis I know that if I try to speak to or look at my foolish child right now I am putting my sobriety at risk. I am not sorry to say that I am being selfish about my sobriety. I wish her the best, but deep down I already know how this is going to turn out and she will have to find out for herself. There are so many things wrong with this picture, her boyfriend’s mother is so happily throwing her child to the wind in her over-exuberance to have her son out of her house and on his own when he doesn’t have a pot to piss in or the knowledge of how to get a pot, and dragging along my pregnant daughter with him. His mother uses this fallacious argument that “I have raised my kid!”  I could say to my daughter, “If it were me”, but it isn’t me and at this point she is going to make her mistakes and I’m only afraid that this is one that she is going to pay for dearly.  I’m sorry for her because I think she’s going to realize her mistake but it’s going to be too late and her pride won’t let her tell me so.

 

Mothers and Daughters

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Mothers and Daughters

If you don’t like something change it; if you can’t change it, change the way you think about it. 

Ok, so my therapist wants me to write a letter to my mom about all the resentments I have toward her. Damn man! Why? I am where I am in my thinking about my mother and I don’t understand why she wants me to dredge up past resentments that I have let go of. That is not the Buddhist way and I don’t like rolling that way. I think that a majority of women have resentments toward their mothers and no matter how good or evil their mothers are or were they are set up to fail no matter what they do. We daughters put a high level of expectation upon our mothers because that is the matriarch we look up to. It’s really not fair to them, if you think about. We take our mothers and place them upon this pedestal that I think not even the best of mothers can reach the pinnacle of and when they don’t reach our level of expectation we get angry and resentful. That’s not fair to them. They are human and fallible just like everyone, but I think we daughters look to our mothers as some sort of superhuman with no kryptonite and that’s our own fault. Sure, my mom was a self-involved creature and I know for a fact she never wanted children, but her moral beliefs would not allow her to “get rid” of us. She was more interested in partying and being free than being strapped to 3 children. Oh well, I can do nothing to change who she was then, I can’t change all the ways she let me down then, what I am capable of changing is the kaleidoscope I view our relationship through. I can chose to see all the colors as dark and bleak, or I can choose to see the color values that stand out the most, the positive colors and I can choose to forgive her and myself for not seeing all the pretty rainbow of colors sooner.

Shattered

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Shattered

I know it seems like I’m this strong person who can get through anything, but inside I’m fragile. I’ve had so many things thrown at me, and each one has only made a crack. What I’m afraid of is shattering.

I cried myself to sleep last night, yesterday was a really bad day and I haven’t wanted a drink more since I quit than I did yesterday, and I have never wanted to quit music more than I did yesterday. I didn’t give in to the unholy terror ripping through the core of my being, but don’t think that I didn’t want to. It is so hard to face the knowing, the knowledge that you have something really beautiful inside you to give and no one wants it. You are ignored and treated like crap by even the ones closest to you. You think I would be used to it by now, it’s been that way my entire life. My mother had an ignore button and she’s apparently not the only one. The day started out good, I found a sponsor, but then it just went to crap. What still sticks in my mind was when a person I like very much said something completely rude and snide to me. I was trying not to take up his time because I knew he was busy and I though his son was going to fix our beverages for us. Like an idiot I said this and he snapped at me and made a point of reminding me who he is. It hurt! What this friend probably didn’t know was that I was already a wounded animal when I walked up to the counter. Well my wounds were only going to get deeper before the day was finished with me. I sat at a table with my beverage and waited. Next thing I know my lead guitar player/husband was gone and didn’t say a word, I was left there sitting alone, beverage in hand and hurt. He was where I wanted to be. So I left and went home and cried myself to sleep. It’s morning and I am still crying. Why can’t my heart have a crap cleaner like my computer?

Picking up the Pieces

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Picking up the Pieces

Every adversity, every failure, every heartache carries with it the seed on an equal or greater benefit. Napoleon Hill

It’s been an absolutely terrible week and I have been beating myself up so badly about some failures I had this week that I couldn’t sleep last night. I kept going over and over things maniacally until I finally drifted into a less than peaceful slumber at about 5 am. I awoke asking myself, “Jaz, what the hell are you doing this to yourself for? These are fruitful failures because they are the seeds for me to try things differently. Seeds to not making the same mistakes again. Seeds just beckoning to open into flowers of learning experience.” As they say ciest la vie, this too shall pass.

In The Dark

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In The Dark

Truly, it is in the darkness that one finds the light, so when we are in sorrow, then this light is nearest of all to us.  Meister Eckhart 

I have been in a really dark place and I can’t seem to find the ladder to guide me out of this cruel hole I’ve dug myself into. My heart is breaking and my mind is floating in an abyss of lime green Jello. How did I get here? I think I need a change. I think Bill Cosby could bring me a bowl of chocolate instant pudding and I would feel better. Doesn’t chocolate pudding make everyone feel better? It’s cold and dark down here, won’t someone throw me a rope?

Bringing on the Heartbreak

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Bringing on the Heartbreak

“Earthquakes just happen. Tornadoes just happen. Your tongue does not just happen to fall into some other girls mouth!” 
― Gemma HallidayDeadly Cool

Kira and I have been insanely busy getting ready for our gig on Wednesday, she has been stressed out because of the rehearsal time involved. Now, to add to her stress, she just found a bunch of nude pics of a girl that lives 2 doors down from her boyfriend. If that’s not bad enough, this girl and Kira’s boyfriend have been exchanging sexual text messages. She came home crying and I held her. I don’t know how to tell her that 18 year old boys do really stupid things. I didn’t know how to tell her that 18 year old boys think with their little head. I didn’t know how to take away her hurt. It made me cry, like the first time she got her inoculations, or the first time she scraped her knee. But this, this is far worse because her pain is inside and I don’t have a band-aid for that and it hurts me inside that I can’t help her. All I can do is give her words and support her. I told her to dump the ass clown immediately, problem is, she’s in love with him. We know, as adults, how quickly and easily we forgive when we love someone really deep. All I can do now, as a mother, is support her and try to keep her busy so she doesn’t sit and dwell on the fact that this boy, that I liked so well, is not worthy of her love.

Fear of Rejection!

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Fear of Rejection!

Aquarius Horoscope for week of May 31, 2012

Verticle Oracle cardAquarius (January 20-February 19)
Should you get down on your knees and beg for love and recognition? No! Should you give yourself away without seeking much in return? Don’t do that, either. Should you try to please everyone in an attempt to be popular? Definitely not. Should you dilute your truth so as not to cause a ruckus? I hope not. So then what am I suggesting you should do? Ask the following question about every possibility that comes before you: “Will this help me to master myself, deepen my commitment to what I want most, and gain more freedom?” 

Ok, Rob you can stop reading my mind any time now!  Todd posted a blog this morning that hit the nail on the head, so I am sharing it with you. He must have been reading my mind too. 

English: Words associated with Fear

Most people will readily admit that they are afraid of failure.

But what about fear of success? Is it possible that you are afraid of success and it’s limiting what you want to do in life?

Do you often wonder why you are not as successful as you know you could be – or should be?

Do you blame it on circumstances? Time? Money? Or do you ever, gulp, blame it on yourself?

No way…right?

The truth is a lot of people are afraid of a lot of things. And there is lots of good advice out there to help you overcome many types of fears. But when it comes to success, most people who are afraid of it are not even aware of it.

So, how can you tell? How do you know if you’re one of those people who are afraid of success so you are unwittingly the one responsible for holding yourself back? CNN Money has a quiz you can take which includes the following questions:

  • Do you feel guilty about your own happiness if a friend tells you s/he is depressed?
  • Do you find yourself not telling others about your good luck so they won’t feel envious?
  • Do you have trouble saying no to people?
  • When you start a project do you suddenly find a bunch of others things you suddenly have to take care of?
  • Do you believe that people who look out for themselves are selfish?
  • Do you avoid asking for help because you’re afraid of bothering someone?

Did you answer “yes” to some of those questions? If you did, it’s entirely possible you’re afraid of success. But does it really matter? Is your fear really limiting you?

People who are afraid of achieving success can experience the following:

  • A noted lack of effort in achieving goals, personal, school, or financial
  • Self-destructive behavior
  • Inability to make decisions and choices
  • Lack of motivation
  • Underachievement
  • Belittling your achievements
  • Feeling guilty when you do succeed
  • Making the “wrong” choices to ensure you will not be happy and successful
  • General negativity

Clearly the answer is if you fear success then your life is less than it could be.

But what can you do? What can you do to overcome success-fear so you can get on with creating the life you want to live?” Get more here: Is Fear of Success Limiting Your Productivity?.

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Honesty

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Honesty

“If you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people.” ― Virginia Woolf

Ok, I will be the first to admit that I have been in a deeply pensive, philosophical mood the last few days. I get that way. Sometimes I blurt out exactly what I am feeling and forget that, at times, my honesty can be so blaring and blatantly painful to those who are caught unawares in the heat of my expression. I will not apologize for being honest about my feelings, but I will say that I only hope you understand that I need to express what I am feeling when I am feeling it. It is not intended as a weapon to wound you. The last thing I would ever chose to do is harm another by my words and certainly never with my fists. I just need to express myself or I will disintegrate and possibly explode. That’s not to say that I feel any particular way all the time. They are just vague but strong feelings that cross over my heart like a cloud blocks out the sun, but, as in life, the cloud passes. Please don’t take it too much to heart, this too shall pass! Never, ever forget that you are my best friend, you are the heart of my hearts and the love of my life!

I am not a BIG ONJ fan, but if the shoe fits

Beautiful Karma Award

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Beautiful Karma Award

As she has planted, so does she harvest; such is the field of karma. – Sri Guru Granth Sahib Ji

Everyone is giving out awards lately, so I have created the Beautiful Karma award. The first recipient was Dolly at allaboutlemon. My second award goes to Lily at onemoremorning. The reasons for this are because she is such a wonderfully giving person. Lily is giving of her thoughts and insecurities, happiness and sadness. Lily takes time out of each day to read her fellow bloggers and give words of encouragement. She shares with you her tragedies and her apexes in life and will gladly loan you a shoulder when you need one. I see a wonderful path ahead of Lily and there will be, as there always are, speed bumps that, I have said in the past, may feel like gigantic trenches, but Lily, my friend, you are a survivor and your karma will be the wings that help you in those times of trouble! Peace be to you always….Much love and extra karma points, Jaz. Here is your award!

Metaphorical Breakthrough

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Metaphorical Breakthrough

Aquarius Horoscope for week of May 17, 2012

Verticle Oracle cardAquarius (January 20-February 19)
You may not have heard about the “forbidden colors.” And you certainly haven’t seen them, even though they exist. They’re reddish green and yellowish blue, which the cells of your retina are not built to register. However, scientists have figured out a trick by which these hues can be made visible. A few lucky people have actually caught a glimpse of them. I bring this to your attention, Aquarius, because I suspect you are close to experiencing a metaphorical version of this breakthrough — seeing something that is supposedly impossible to see. 

Boy do I ever need to have breakthrough, be it metaphorical or otherwise. This week has been a real struggle for me emotionally and I do apologize to my friends here at WordPress. Let me simply state this for the record. My Buddha blog is all about getting in touch with nature, my nature and the nature of those around me. As with most things in life you have to take the good with the bad. This week seems to be one of the bad ones. But, I do promise you and myself that it’s going to get better.

 

I Never Promised you a Rose Garden

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I Never Promised you a Rose Garden

“There is nothing that you can do to me that my own craziness doesn’t do to me smarter and faster and better.” ― Joanne GreenbergI Never Promised You a Rose Garden

I never swore I was going to be perfect or idyllic. I never swore I was going to be this perfect image of a wife, a mother or a daughter. I think sometimes you forget that I am human. I am a human first and always, therefore I am prone to make errors and mistakes. I never said that it was all going to be perfect, it mostly never is. I strive, just like most people, to be the best I can on any given day. That concept, however, is prone to come asunder to my mood swings on any given day. When I created this blog on the eve of the New Year I swore I would try to write everyday. Most of the time I do, but sometimes, yes sometimes, I just don’t give a crap because I don’t want others to see exactly how black my mood is. Today is one of those days, and guess what, most of the time I am positive about life and all its funny little speed bumps. Today those speed bumps feel like massive trenches. Sorry, never said it was going to be all roses and butterflies. It is what it is. Now, would someone please hand me my helmet….I’m going in….  

On Being A Musician

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On Being A Musician

Hell is full of musical amateurs: music is the brandy of the damned. George Bernard Shaw

I have so had it. I look at my guitar and I am sick of it! Sick of its beckoning , sick of its crying, sick of it wanting me to pick it up and coddle it. Get over it. I can’t stand the very sight of you. Why must you torture me and torment me? There are times like this when I hate the very presence of you. I hate the fact that I am a musician…it’s killing me to my very core….it’s raping me and murdering me and fucking killing me….I guess tomorrow I will feel different, Maybe?

 

Strange Dream

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Strange Dream

Later, however, I came to recognize the objective nature of these dreams or fantasies … Thus it was that I gradually came to acknowledge that such fantasies or dreams are neither meaningless nor purely arbitrary but rather convey a sort of ‘second meaning’ of the terms applied. Wolfgang Pauli

I awoke this morning from the strangest dream. I was dreaming about Chris, my daughter’s biological father, a man I hadn’t thought about in years. The dream was strange and unsettling. It may be that I had the dream because my daughter, Kira, is soon to graduate and I realize the vast chasm that is between her life and his. I also feel the vacuum at times when she speaks of him, which isn’t often. It could be that when we went for a walk together the other day we spoke briefly of her father. She has no desire to see him and neither do I. He gave up all those rights 17 and 3/4 years ago when he chose to continue using meth. I gave him a clear and concise choice, it was either Kira and I or the drugs, he made his obvious choice. It saddens me that a man, who was clearly so loving couldn’t find the inner strength to choose to do the right thing. To choose a loving caring family over a drug riddled future that led absolutely no where but to purgatory and misery. We each of us make our choices, for the good or the better, the bed we make is the one we lie in.

What’s in a Name?

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What’s in a Name?

What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet. William Shakespeare

I have a nickname that I go by and for damn good reason. My mother named me after a popular Beatle’s song and I absolutely hate it. Abhor it! Resent it! My husband has only ever known me by my nickname, although he’s well aware of my real name. He called me by my given name to someone who is a complete stranger to me. She had friended me on Facebook and I was looking at her page wanting to learn a little about her when I ran across their conversation in her home page and saw he had called me by my given name!!! Now, I know this may seem trite, but it hurt my  feelings and makes me feel like he doesn’t even know me. I don’t even begin to know why he did it, what on Earth would incite him to call me  by my given name, especially to this woman that I don’t even know! I realize that they are fiends from way back but it makes absolutely NO SENSE TO ME and my feelings are hurt!!! Very hurt! Now I don’t even want to know this woman because what is she supposed to think when my husband, who has always called me Jaz, has given her a completely different name, someone who I AM NOT!  What is she supposed to think when everyone calls me Jaz and so does he and out of the blue he calls me by a name I NEVER use and no one calls me by that!!!!

Don’t Let Me Down

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Don’t Let Me Down

“A pier is a disappointed bridge.” ― Julian BarnesFlaubert’s Parrot

I remember the feeling of being disappointed as a child. My mom was really good at letting me down, on a lot of things. There were small disappointments, like the many times I wanted to go roller skating but she was more interested in going partying with her friends than taking me to the skating rink. Then there were bigger disappointments. When I told her my brother was beating me she chose to ignore it. That was more than a disappointment, that was a pain I have never quite forgiven her for. Now as an adult I find that I have had to disappoint my best friend and my daughter, and I am upset about it. My best friend’s brother died last week and I had every intention of going to Pocatello to support him, however I couldn’t go because of financial constraints here at home. I can only hope that he can find it in his heart to forgive me. Also, my daughter is having a very hard time adjusting to her new situation and if I had gone to Pocatello I could have helped her with the problems she is having. So, once again, and all in the same week, I have let two of the most important people in my life down.  I’m mad at myself and worried about both of them. I realize that disappointment is our reaction to expectations that we have of other’s and we shouldn’t have expectations because then we won’t set ourselves up for a fall. I think, as human beings, we just can’t help it. Everyone has a set of expectations and one can’t help but feel disappointed when those expectations aren’t met, we can’t help it, it’s in our nature. I only hope they can forgive me.

I’m Always By Your Side

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I’m Always By Your Side

“If I can see pain in your eyes then share with me your tears. If I can see joy in your eyes then share with me your smile.” ― Santosh Kalwar

My best friend just lost his older brother and I feel so much for him. I wanted to go down to Pocatello just to be there and support him but circumstances at home prevailed. I just hope he knows that I am always here for him. That’s what best friends do, support each other through the tears and pain and laugh with them in the times of joy. Boo and I have shared some of the happiest times together and some of the saddest. We have had so many nights just sitting and talking through the years. I cherish and value his friendship and I understand his pain. Boo, just know I am thinking about you!

Honesty Sux Huh?!

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Honesty Sux Huh?!

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” ― Marilyn Monroe

Sometimes being completely honest is entirely too hard for other people to take. I believe they want lies, it’s easier to soak in because that is what they are used to. When you are blatantly honest they don’t know what to think or feel. If you don’t like the truth then stay out of my playground. I will never cease to tell you the truth regardless of what you may think you want to hear. I am not here to coddle you or change your diapers. Poop is ugly, no matter how you look at it! Many times people expect you to eat shit politely with a knife and fork, screw that!