I’ve come to believe that all my past failure and frustration were actually laying the foundation for the understandings that have created the new level of living I now enjoy. Tony Robbins
It’s hard to believe that I started this blog almost a year ago. I started writing this blog on New Year’s Eve 2011 and as it almost dawns on New Year’s Eve 2012 I was thinking back at the amazing amount of changes that have occurred in our lives over the last year. When I started this blog Michael and I had just gotten back together after a forced separation due to legal circumstances. We almost broke up several times at the beginning of 2012 and, in fact, I almost left him and he almost left me more than once. We both struggled with bouts of alcoholism, me more than him. We went through the AA program together and are stronger for it. This last year I have hit some of my darkest nights and yet at other times I have seen some of my brightest days. In the last year we have lost “friends” to betrayal and back stabbing, we have lost musician friends, but at the end of the day our relationship has grown stronger through all the trials and tribulations. We have grown closer as friends and our love has grown deeper. We have managed to regain something through our music, that something special that has always been the glue that held us together.
During the last year I gained some of the lost time with my daughter and grown closer than ever to my mother. I have become a better rhythm guitar player and taught myself to sing in Welsh. I have learned more about myself as a musician in the last year than I have in 42 years of life. We have played some really fantastic gigs over the last year, and have many more to come. I moved up in the writing world from being an internet writer to writing for a real magazine and making my worth for the articles I write. My photography editing skills are getting better and better and I am continuing to work on my dream collage. I have no idea when, if ever that will be finished. It’s an ever evolving dream journal in images.
I have seen friendships end and new friendships sprout. I have also seen friendships that I thought were dead in the water re-sprout with new life of forgiveness and understanding. With each dying flower a new one sprouts in its place, a more beautiful one I believe, richer in color and smell. At the end of the day, and almost year, life is very good. It is as hard as it ever was, but we are happy, and I know that come what may Michael and I will continue to grow together, to love together, and to perform together. Life is very good my friends!
With that I leave you with The Supremes and the beautiful Diana Ross…
Don’t cry when the sun is gone, because the tears won’t let you see the stars. Violeta Parra
We had a falling out, Donna and I did. We both did some stupid things to each other that caused a friendship of over 27 years to fall away, awash in mistrust and lies. We really stopped our friendship about a year ago and I won’t go into the reasons why here, it’s irrelevant. Needless to say, we have finally forgiven each other. It took some time and some work, but we are friends once again. Yes, we have renewed our friendship but there is a certain amount of trust that has been shattered and can’t ever be retrieved. No matter what I can always forgive, but I will never forget, I can’t, the pain is still too fresh, too new. So, we are friends at arms length. Is it good to have her back in my life, I don;t know yet…..That remains to be seen. On the other hand, my best friend, Brian (Boo), who is my daughter’s Godfather, pretty much blew me off. We were supposed to go do something together while he was here from Pocatello and we didn’t. He stopped in to see me for like a 1/2 hour on Tuesday and that was it. He has gone back home now. I had asked him to stick around and come see us play tonight at The Gathering Place, but he wanted to be home yesterday. It hurts that he didn’t make more time for me. Ci est la vie.
With that I leave you with queen…
“Love is something eternal; the aspect may change, but not the essence.” ~ Vincent van Gogh~
Tomorrow is our eight year wedding anniversary so I know I’m going to be busy tomorrow so I am posting this today. If you think about the number eight it is very cool because it is the symbol for infinity turned on it’s side. The number eight visually has no beginning and no end. That to me is the greatest symbol of true love! In eight years we have played together, fought together and against each other. We have seen good times and bad, but obviously there has been far more good than bad. We have seen hard times and easy times. There have been times when we didn’t know where our next paycheck was coming from and there have been times when life has handed us extra money. My favorite times have been playing music with you, staying up late playing a game of cribbage, or boggle. I love the fact that we can have these deep philosophical discussions and maintain the individuality of our thoughts on life, religion and politics and that we can peacefully agree to disagree. I love your smile and your blue eyes, I love the fact that you’re a stand up man and I love the fact that you take your knocks like a man, strong and resilient. I love the fact that you love me, with all my artistic craziness, all my womanly moodiness, and that you just love me for me. I just love you, happy anniversary baby!!!!
Make the best use of what is in your power and take the rest as it happens. Epictetus
I found that the biggest part of my enjoyment and serenity yesterday cam from my sheer and open lack of expectations for what the day may bring. We played a gig last night with a drummer and bass player that we had never played with before and it went really great! It was as if we had always played together. The people who came to see us had a great time, as did I. Who could ask for more?!
- until the next breath ~ (missrosen.wordpress.com)
“Better than a thousand hollow words, is one word that brings peace.”~Buddha
I have so many things that could upset me today, so many things that I could try and control today, so many things that could upset the balance of my universe. I refuse. I refuse to allow outside disturbances to put me on a path that does not lead to peace. Peace of mind and peace of heart. Pure peace and that alone shall stand. Yesterday my sunflowers needed to be cut down, they had been attacked by earwigs and were sickly looking. Yet, even though they looked sick, upon closer inspection I could see that they still bore the fruits of their labors. They were loaded with sunflower seeds. So, in apology for their early demise, I cut them down and offered the sunflower heads to the birdies and the squirrels. After all they might as well give their fruits back to nature. Much like life, some thing or some one may look sickly on the outside, however; if you look deep enough you can find the seeds of good offering themselves up for sharing and giving back in a spirit of peace and good will.
My Sunflower Heads
Aquarius Horoscope for week of July 19, 2012
I brazenly predict, my dear Aquarius, that in the next ten months you will fall in love with love more deeply than you have in over a decade. You will figure out a way to exorcise the demons that have haunted your relationship with romance, and you will enjoy some highly entertaining amorous interludes. The mysteries of intimacy will reveal new secrets to you, and you will have good reasons to redefine the meaning of “fun.” Is there any way these prophecies of mine could possibly fail to materialize? Yes, but only if you take yourself too seriously and insist on remaining attached to the old days and old ways.
Well that’s a cool prediction by Rob. Does this mean that I am going to tap into some level of my relationship with Michael that I previously didn’t know existed. Sounds exciting doesn’t it? We have been together a decade and August 12 is our 8 year wedding anniversary. Maybe Eros is trying to tell me something?
“Earthquakes just happen. Tornadoes just happen. Your tongue does not just happen to fall into some other girls mouth!”
― Gemma Halliday, Deadly Cool
Kira and I have been insanely busy getting ready for our gig on Wednesday, she has been stressed out because of the rehearsal time involved. Now, to add to her stress, she just found a bunch of nude pics of a girl that lives 2 doors down from her boyfriend. If that’s not bad enough, this girl and Kira’s boyfriend have been exchanging sexual text messages. She came home crying and I held her. I don’t know how to tell her that 18 year old boys do really stupid things. I didn’t know how to tell her that 18 year old boys think with their little head. I didn’t know how to take away her hurt. It made me cry, like the first time she got her inoculations, or the first time she scraped her knee. But this, this is far worse because her pain is inside and I don’t have a band-aid for that and it hurts me inside that I can’t help her. All I can do is give her words and support her. I told her to dump the ass clown immediately, problem is, she’s in love with him. We know, as adults, how quickly and easily we forgive when we love someone really deep. All I can do now, as a mother, is support her and try to keep her busy so she doesn’t sit and dwell on the fact that this boy, that I liked so well, is not worthy of her love.
Aquarius Horoscope for week of May 31, 2012
Should you get down on your knees and beg for love and recognition? No! Should you give yourself away without seeking much in return? Don’t do that, either. Should you try to please everyone in an attempt to be popular? Definitely not. Should you dilute your truth so as not to cause a ruckus? I hope not. So then what am I suggesting you should do? Ask the following question about every possibility that comes before you: “Will this help me to master myself, deepen my commitment to what I want most, and gain more freedom?”
Ok, Rob you can stop reading my mind any time now! Todd posted a blog this morning that hit the nail on the head, so I am sharing it with you. He must have been reading my mind too.
Most people will readily admit that they are afraid of failure.
But what about fear of success? Is it possible that you are afraid of success and it’s limiting what you want to do in life?
Do you often wonder why you are not as successful as you know you could be – or should be?
Do you blame it on circumstances? Time? Money? Or do you ever, gulp, blame it on yourself?
The truth is a lot of people are afraid of a lot of things. And there is lots of good advice out there to help you overcome many types of fears. But when it comes to success, most people who are afraid of it are not even aware of it.
So, how can you tell? How do you know if you’re one of those people who are afraid of success so you are unwittingly the one responsible for holding yourself back? CNN Money has a quiz you can take which includes the following questions:
- Do you feel guilty about your own happiness if a friend tells you s/he is depressed?
- Do you find yourself not telling others about your good luck so they won’t feel envious?
- Do you have trouble saying no to people?
- When you start a project do you suddenly find a bunch of others things you suddenly have to take care of?
- Do you believe that people who look out for themselves are selfish?
- Do you avoid asking for help because you’re afraid of bothering someone?
Did you answer “yes” to some of those questions? If you did, it’s entirely possible you’re afraid of success. But does it really matter? Is your fear really limiting you?
People who are afraid of achieving success can experience the following:
- A noted lack of effort in achieving goals, personal, school, or financial
- Self-destructive behavior
- Inability to make decisions and choices
- Lack of motivation
- Belittling your achievements
- Feeling guilty when you do succeed
- Making the “wrong” choices to ensure you will not be happy and successful
- General negativity
Clearly the answer is if you fear success then your life is less than it could be.
But what can you do? What can you do to overcome success-fear so you can get on with creating the life you want to live?” Get more here: Is Fear of Success Limiting Your Productivity?.
“If you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people.” ― Virginia Woolf
Ok, I will be the first to admit that I have been in a deeply pensive, philosophical mood the last few days. I get that way. Sometimes I blurt out exactly what I am feeling and forget that, at times, my honesty can be so blaring and blatantly painful to those who are caught unawares in the heat of my expression. I will not apologize for being honest about my feelings, but I will say that I only hope you understand that I need to express what I am feeling when I am feeling it. It is not intended as a weapon to wound you. The last thing I would ever chose to do is harm another by my words and certainly never with my fists. I just need to express myself or I will disintegrate and possibly explode. That’s not to say that I feel any particular way all the time. They are just vague but strong feelings that cross over my heart like a cloud blocks out the sun, but, as in life, the cloud passes. Please don’t take it too much to heart, this too shall pass! Never, ever forget that you are my best friend, you are the heart of my hearts and the love of my life!
I am not a BIG ONJ fan, but if the shoe fits
I discovered the secret of the sea in meditation upon a dewdrop. Kahlil Gibran
I am so used to my days being either entirely insanely busy or entirely quiet. Either way, it drives me crazy, just the same. I have the hardest time sitting still and just meditating on a single drop of water. It seems like I am always waiting for the water drop to fall, fall off a tap in a kitchen, fall from the leaf of a beautiful flower, fall in the garden. Just simply fall. Sometimes, o.k. most of the time, I forget to just look at the drop of water. All my busy mind sees is a crashing rolling sea of salt water waiting to suck me under her eddy and tides. To wax and wane me at her will. My mind refuses to see the simple rounded drops of a single little drop of water presented to me as a gift. My mind refuses to see the reflections mirrored in reverse and completely upside down. It’s like the saying that, “You can’t see the forest for the trees.” A different perspective, an entirely new perspective and my brain absolutely refuses to register this upside down “Alice” world and all it’s gifts and beauty. This surrealistic world where dreams are reality and reality dreams. This is the biggest down fall in my search for Buddhism and peace. I Can Not sit still. I thought, foolishly, that as I got older I would somehow achieve some sort of plane of simplicity, some sort of simpatico with the universe, but I find, as I get older, I am busier than ever. I am more active than ever in such a different way. I was amazingly aware of things when I was 18 and 19, 23 and 24. My awareness has taken on a different panorama. It’s as if my mind has become skewed and twisted. I still feel 24 in body and spirit, but it takes just one look in the mirror to make me realize I am seeing that dew drop that is waiting to fall off the leaf of the flower, that one mirrored drop waiting to fall off the tap, and it’s as if I am seeing it for the first time. This is not a depressed blog, it’s just a simple fact. I ride my mountain bike around without a care in the world, I see the beauty around me and it registers, I don’t feel 42. There is still this part of my mind that sees all the beauty that surrounds me. I am constantly reminded how alive I really am. I am so fortunate to be able to ride a mountain bike, walk and hike, enjoy my day, create art, make music, love and live. I realize that that dew drop, albeit upside down and in reverse, is just a reflection of my life, only older and still waiting, waiting patiently to understand when gravity will take hold. Buddhism will find me and I only hope it finds me worthy. I hope it finds me strong enough, worthy enough, and lotus worthy. I hope karma looks at my life’s journey and allows me the honor of coming back as a bird or a fish and doesn’t choose to turn me into a toad stool, no matter how many fairy rings I created. Don’t take this as a sad blog, it’s not, by a long shot. It’s simply an observation of my life and the life around me. It’s pretty cool that I am aware who I am and where I am on the food chain.
As she has planted, so does she harvest; such is the field of karma. - Sri Guru Granth Sahib Ji
Everyone is giving out awards lately, so I have created the Beautiful Karma award. The first recipient was Dolly at allaboutlemon. My second award goes to Lily at onemoremorning. The reasons for this are because she is such a wonderfully giving person. Lily is giving of her thoughts and insecurities, happiness and sadness. Lily takes time out of each day to read her fellow bloggers and give words of encouragement. She shares with you her tragedies and her apexes in life and will gladly loan you a shoulder when you need one. I see a wonderful path ahead of Lily and there will be, as there always are, speed bumps that, I have said in the past, may feel like gigantic trenches, but Lily, my friend, you are a survivor and your karma will be the wings that help you in those times of trouble! Peace be to you always….Much love and extra karma points, Jaz. Here is your award!
“We must always remember, and never, ever forget and leave those we love behind.” Marion Ward
This is a youtube video I just produced of a cover we did of “Nights in White Satin” by the Moody Blues. The pictures are all from the last year and include pictures from a birth, my great nephew Hunter Miller, my nephews wedding, Jacob to Amanda Miller, Mike’s birthday/ Saint Patrick’s Day, Easter, and Kira’s graduation. Michael and I went into the studio and recorded this around 2008 and we still play it. It’s a beautiful song and I wanted to share with my family and friends what a beautiful year this has been. This is a great way to remember Memorial Day 2012. To all my fellow bloggers, friends and family “THANK YOU” for the beautiful memories you have given me, the wonderful thoughts you have shared on your blogs and on Facebook…I love you all and hope everyone has a safe and happy Memorial Day weekend….and as always, Peace Jaz
“One of the most beautiful gifts in the world is the gift of encouragement. When someone encourages you, that person helps you over a threshold you might otherwise never have crossed on your own.”
― John O’Donohue, Eternal Echoes: Celtic Reflections on Our Yearning to Belong
Ok , so I woke up this morning and opened my wordpress as I always do every morning to see what my fellow bloggers are up to and what interesting things they are writing and doing in their lives. I like to do this everyday and I only comment when I think I have something to add. So, to my surprise, I opened up wordpress this a.m. and what should I find? allaboutlemon had nominated me for “Most Beautiful and Versatile Blogger Award.” I have no idea what I did to deserve such an auspicious award, but I do thank her. Well, Dolly my love, one good turn deserves another. So, just for you I am creating the “Most Beautiful Karma Award”. And you my dear are the first recipient! So here is your reward and award, much love, Jaz!
And of course I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t also give you your own song Dolly, so here it is! Enjoy!!!
“Do not go where the path may lead; go instead where there is no path and leave a trail” - Ralph Waldo Emerson
She’s done it! My beautiful daughter received her diploma and is on her path to the future. The graduation ceremony was wonderful and I caught myself, more then once, wiping tears from my eyes. Watching my child walk up on that podium and receive her well-earned diploma brought so many wonderful thoughts to my mind. She has jumped the first big hurdle in her life, the first of many to come, and I couldn’t be more proud. I had nothing to do with her success as a student, that’s all on her and her own perseverance. I know she is a strong young woman and I know, by her personality, that she will succeed in whatever endeavor she chooses to undertake. That’s the biggest role a parent can play in their child’s life…having faith and believing in our children is one of the best gifts we can give them. Showing them our love and how much they make us proud is not only our duty as a parent, it is an important factor in a child’s development, and if we hold these little gifts back from them we are being unfair to the child and ourselves. I not only think of my daughter as the child of my heart but I value her as a best friend. I don’t know how other parents feel about their children or treat them but I share just about everything with my daughter. We play music together, we do art together, we both love to spend time outdoors together. Whether we are riding bikes, taking the dog for a walk, going swimming, it really matters not, What does matter, at the end of the day, is that we spend quality time together, talking about each other’s hopes and dreams and just listening to one another. This is what I value, this is what I love. I hope that you as a parent come to have the kind of wonderful friendship with your child that I have for mine, there really is nothing more precious than having a lifelong friend that is the heart of your heart and blood of your blood.
- Inspiration (twopartswhimsicalonepartpeculiar.wordpress.com)
I hope your dreams take you to the corners of your smiles, to the highest of your hopes, to the windows of your opportunities, and to the most special places your heart has ever known. ~Author Unknown
My beautiful daughter is packing today to head to Pocatello for her Graduation and I am so excited for her. The best gift I could have ever received this Mother’s Day is the gift of seeing my only child succeed. I have been truly blessed with a talented, beautiful young woman. She has this magic touch and everything she comes into contact seems to hold some sort of magic for her. She has a great many people who love and absolutely adore her, myself included. What more could a mother ask for than to blessed with such a beautiful child? She has the whole world in front of her and it is my sincerest wish that she should grab the world and taste of its many bountiful fruits. I want you to know Kira how very proud I am of you and that I love you with all my heart and more! Love, your mom.
Aquarius Horoscope for week of May 10, 2012
If you’ve been tuning in to my horoscopes during the past months, you’re aware that I have been encouraging you to refine and deepen the meaning of home. You know that I have been urging you to get really serious about identifying what kind of environment you need in order to thrive; I’ve been asking you to integrate yourself into a community that brings out the best in you; I’ve been nudging you to create a foundation that will make you strong and sturdy for a long time. Now it’s time to finish up your intensive work on these projects. You’ve got about four more weeks before a new phase of your life’s work will begin.
Although I am not a believer in horoscopes per say, but I always love Rob Brezney’s sound advice on my horoscopes and that is why I publish it in my blogs each week. There have been some weeks where he has missed the mark, but most the time I find he seems to have his finger on the pulse of what may be happening in my life at that time. I have really been focusing on my environment the last few weeks, including things like planting my garden, making time for art work and music and making more time to read. I have also been working steadily on my sobriety, as many who follow my blog know. I have been embracing and trying to understand what works and doesn’t work for me. This is just a little thank you to Rob for his wonderful little snippets of advice, you have been unseen in person but a loudly heard positive influence in my ever chaotic, ever expanding world!
- Music is My life (catseyesk.wordpress.com)
- Rain Down on Me (catseyesk.wordpress.com)
Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose. ~From the television show The Wonder Years
Do you remember the first time we met, my love? You stepped out of your red and silver truck and walked into my world and my life. It’s as if I knew from the moment I saw you that I would be with you, always. Do you remember the first time we touched, my love? It was passion unbridled. It was an intense expression of longing and need. It was music, pure and untainted. Do you remember what our joining did, my love? It saved me from a brutal mentally abusive situation to a man who took me for granted. A man that was trying to destroy me, and probably would have if you hadn’t saved me. Do you remember, my love? I do and always will. Thank you for being the most vital part of my life and my love.
This is our version of Landslide, it means the world to me and was one of the first songs we produced.
click here for a link to Landslide by Jaz and EZ Street http://www.myspace.com/music/player?sid=2550123&ac=now
“If I can see pain in your eyes then share with me your tears. If I can see joy in your eyes then share with me your smile.” ― Santosh Kalwar
My best friend just lost his older brother and I feel so much for him. I wanted to go down to Pocatello just to be there and support him but circumstances at home prevailed. I just hope he knows that I am always here for him. That’s what best friends do, support each other through the tears and pain and laugh with them in the times of joy. Boo and I have shared some of the happiest times together and some of the saddest. We have had so many nights just sitting and talking through the years. I cherish and value his friendship and I understand his pain. Boo, just know I am thinking about you!
- Agony (mindfullyhealthy.wordpress.com)
- Exhale LOVE! (wafatariq.wordpress.com)
“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” ― Marilyn Monroe
Sometimes being completely honest is entirely too hard for other people to take. I believe they want lies, it’s easier to soak in because that is what they are used to. When you are blatantly honest they don’t know what to think or feel. If you don’t like the truth then stay out of my playground. I will never cease to tell you the truth regardless of what you may think you want to hear. I am not here to coddle you or change your diapers. Poop is ugly, no matter how you look at it! Many times people expect you to eat shit politely with a knife and fork, screw that!
Anyone who thinks the art of conversation is dead ought to tell a child to go to bed. Robert C. Gallagher
I just had the most interesting conversation with my daughter! It just dawned on me that, yes, she indeed is a young woman. She is no longer the child that I held in my arms. She stands taller than me for goodness sake! I am proud of her, she just graduated early and is finding her path in life. My sincerest hope is that she follows her artistic path or “autistic path” as I affectionately call it. Being artistic is such a pain in the ass and she knows it too. We talked about how being an artist can cause you a lot of pain. The painting at the top of my blog is one of hers. She never ceases to amaze me with her abilities. I am a very lucky woman to have brought such a beautiful treasure into this world. And yes that is her picture on the blog entry, how lucky am I!