Don’t cry when the sun is gone, because the tears won’t let you see the stars. Violeta Parra
We had a falling out, Donna and I did. We both did some stupid things to each other that caused a friendship of over 27 years to fall away, awash in mistrust and lies. We really stopped our friendship about a year ago and I won’t go into the reasons why here, it’s irrelevant. Needless to say, we have finally forgiven each other. It took some time and some work, but we are friends once again. Yes, we have renewed our friendship but there is a certain amount of trust that has been shattered and can’t ever be retrieved. No matter what I can always forgive, but I will never forget, I can’t, the pain is still too fresh, too new. So, we are friends at arms length. Is it good to have her back in my life, I don;t know yet…..That remains to be seen. On the other hand, my best friend, Brian (Boo), who is my daughter’s Godfather, pretty much blew me off. We were supposed to go do something together while he was here from Pocatello and we didn’t. He stopped in to see me for like a 1/2 hour on Tuesday and that was it. He has gone back home now. I had asked him to stick around and come see us play tonight at The Gathering Place, but he wanted to be home yesterday. It hurts that he didn’t make more time for me. Ci est la vie.
With that I leave you with queen…
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. Emo Philips
It appears that I am caught in some sort of karmic justice boomerang. I keep running into people from my past that I thought were long gone. I find, even after all this time, literally years, I still have trouble letting go of “stuff”. Believe me I try, but it isn’t easy. The Buddhist in me says that I must forgive and let go in order to move forward, but it is so hard when all these mix of emotions come welling up inside. You put on a good face and just try to pretend like everything is ok, when deep down inside you know it’s not. You’re standing there smiling at this person that hurt you, you are saying “Hi” and all the general small talk, and you know that you are simply putting on a false front, you are bald face lying when your smiling! I don’t know whether I hate myself more for being fake and pretending a false forgiveness that I don’t honestly feel or whether I hate myself more so for my inability to let go and go on. I am trying to grow as a Buddhist and I find that at times like this my faith and belief is really put to the test. Maybe this is karma’s way of giving them a chance to say “I am sorry”. I don’t know. I do know that two simple words go a long way toward mending the bridge of past hurts and ill will. With that I leave you with one of my all time favorite heartbreak songs…..
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. George Carlin
I will be the first to admit that I am a cynic. I have lived my life distrusting of other peoples motives, because aren’t all humans urged by the need for some personal gain of their own. In reality I have always questioned people’s sincerity and motives, whether they stemmed from the true spirit of giving of themselves to another purely for unselfish motives or if their input was driven by self-serving motives. My circle of friends is small, my circle of acquaintances large. I keep the ones who I know have no ulterior motives close and everyone else I keep at arms length as acquaintances or even further away than that. The more I get to know a person determines the distance of their relationship with me directly in proportion to their motives. Being cynical isn’t hard, in fact it is quite easy, in truth it is being optimistic about the human race that is hard. It is my genuine hope that I will one day learn to not be such a cynical, distrusting person, but it is a very hard thing to do when you find that a majority of the people you meet on a daily basis are only becoming acquainted with you because they “think” you have something to offer them rather than in the genuine spirit of friendship. They extend a hand to you as a “friend” with motives untrue and fettered by wants and desires.
“True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it be lost.” – Charles Caleb Colton
Ok, I admit it. I am a dummy. One of my best friends, Gracie, has been on my mind and I have been meaning to go see her. For goodness sake we live in the same town, she’s only 13 blocks away. What is my problem? Well you know the song and dance, we get busy and wrapped up in our own lives. I’ll be the first to admit that since my daughter has been living with me my list of things to do has doubled. This isn’t only due to her presence here, but also due to the fact that, like most people, summertime is always a busy time with BBQ’s, summer activities and etc. For us, being musicians, we have tons of summer concerts we play and there is always rehearsal time and we are always on the go. So you know what I did? I blew it. Gracie is now in the hospital, she had a stroke and a heart attack and I didn’t get to see her until last night. I didn’t even know you could have both a stroke and a heart attack. What is wrong with me? She is looking so pallid, but she’s talking. She wasn’t mad at me for not coming before, but I know she had to be disappointed, as I was, that we are seeing each other under these circumstances. SHe is my daughter’s God Mother and I should have made an effort to go see her sooner. Yes, I am a dummy!
“If you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people.” ― Virginia Woolf
Ok, I will be the first to admit that I have been in a deeply pensive, philosophical mood the last few days. I get that way. Sometimes I blurt out exactly what I am feeling and forget that, at times, my honesty can be so blaring and blatantly painful to those who are caught unawares in the heat of my expression. I will not apologize for being honest about my feelings, but I will say that I only hope you understand that I need to express what I am feeling when I am feeling it. It is not intended as a weapon to wound you. The last thing I would ever chose to do is harm another by my words and certainly never with my fists. I just need to express myself or I will disintegrate and possibly explode. That’s not to say that I feel any particular way all the time. They are just vague but strong feelings that cross over my heart like a cloud blocks out the sun, but, as in life, the cloud passes. Please don’t take it too much to heart, this too shall pass! Never, ever forget that you are my best friend, you are the heart of my hearts and the love of my life!
I am not a BIG ONJ fan, but if the shoe fits
“One of the most beautiful gifts in the world is the gift of encouragement. When someone encourages you, that person helps you over a threshold you might otherwise never have crossed on your own.”
― John O’Donohue, Eternal Echoes: Celtic Reflections on Our Yearning to Belong
Ok , so I woke up this morning and opened my wordpress as I always do every morning to see what my fellow bloggers are up to and what interesting things they are writing and doing in their lives. I like to do this everyday and I only comment when I think I have something to add. So, to my surprise, I opened up wordpress this a.m. and what should I find? allaboutlemon had nominated me for “Most Beautiful and Versatile Blogger Award.” I have no idea what I did to deserve such an auspicious award, but I do thank her. Well, Dolly my love, one good turn deserves another. So, just for you I am creating the “Most Beautiful Karma Award”. And you my dear are the first recipient! So here is your reward and award, much love, Jaz!
And of course I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t also give you your own song Dolly, so here it is! Enjoy!!!
An old friend will help you move. A good friend will help you move a dead body. — Jim Hayes
My best friend and my daughter’s Godfather, Brian or( Boo as I call him), is finally coming up to see me after the longest time and I am totally euphoric about it. If only he knew everything I have been through in the last few years since the last time I saw him and really spent some best friend time with him. If only he knew how many times I have nearly crumbled and fallen through the cracks into a black hole of despair. If he only knew how many times I needed his support, I know he would have been here in a heartbeat. We’ve seen each other through everything, divorces, marriages, children’s births and deaths. Now here we are, some 20+ years later, still the best of friends. If you have ever seen “My Best Friend’s Wedding” with Julia Roberts then you know exactly what kind of relationship we have. Fair warning! We are going to be out and about Saturday night and things always get crazy with us so you might want to clear a path.
A soulmate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for who we’re pretending to be. Each unveils the best part of the other. No matter what else goes wrong around us, with that one person we’re safe in our own paradise. ~Richard Bach
Never in my wildest expectations did I ever think I would meet you or find you. It was serendipity. It was one posting that brought you into my life, one strange set of circumstances that drew us together. In the time I have gotten to know you I have never felt more close or more drawn to anyone like you before, because there is no one like you! You are unique and you fit me like a glove. I have told you this many times before and I hope you only realize that you mean the world to me. You are my soul-mate through and through!
- “Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.” ~Buddha
I have a happiness and joy in my heart today because I was able to share my joy with close friends. I rose early this morning and knew it was going to be a beautiful day, though the skies were steel gray and threatening rain it mattered little to my heart. I live for those fleeting little moments where I am with friends and enjoying the lightness of being. Just the simplicity of being in each others company, enjoying a nice home cooked meal. Every one bringing with them something to share, a story, a smile, a warm hug, thanks for a good meal and each others company. These moments in my life are so rare and I cherish them. I am the consummate chef and there’s nothing that makes me happier than cooking a meal and everything comes out to perfection, my friends are all happy and smiling with full stomachs and the comfort of simply sitting around enjoying each other. These are moments that fill the scrapbook of my mind.
- “Thus nature has no love for solitude, and always leans, as it were, on some support; and the sweetest support is found in the most intimate friendship.” - Cicero
In my life I have met a lot of good people and I have been fortunate to make a great many friends. Through the years, as I have grown, I have discovered that my truest friends, the people I hold and treasure closest to my heart, can be counted on both hands. Some have been lovers and I cherish those friendships because we were able to share something special without losing sight of the shore, we stayed true to our course and have stayed friends through these long years. Although we may no longer share that intimacy we share a knowledge that is even deeper. I have found, recently, that there is one friend I kept at bay…little knowing that all along he knew the deepest part of my core. It was only when I rediscovered that friendship that I came to realize what a very special person he is. He seems to know me better than I even know myself…is able to help me express those fears that are deepest inside of me and help me to raise them to the surface to be examined in a light where they can be seen. It’s a level of intimacy in a friendship that is so precious. A true friend is one that helps you face your deepest fears and stands beside you all the way.