Tag Archives: Health

Unfortunately….LOL

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 Unfortunately I am still sick. I am so willing to listen to any brilliant ideas that anyone has about how I am supposed to wake up tomorrow and not have a sore throat. I can’t believe how tenacious this freakin’ cold has been. I’m actually getting a little, (a lot), scared. I have never in my life had a cold hang on so hard. Maybe. it’s because I am getting older, I don’t know. I got sick last year and was in and out of the hospital 4 times and they inundated my body with antibiotics and I really don;t want to go there. So, I am trying OJ, Nyquil and a variety of other home remedies. If anyone has ideas I am open. I am going to have to go lay down now because my head is congested and I am tired. I know I said somethings about Mexicans that some of you may not have liked, but I am just speaking what I know. You can do a Vin Diagram on it, if you like, chances are, if the Vin Diagram fits, it’s probably true.  Peace my friends, I’ll catch you on the flip side….

Smoke Gets in Your Eyes

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Smoke Gets in Your Eyes

Among the notable things about fire is that it also requires oxygen to burn – exactly like its enemy, life.  Thereby are life and flames so often compared.  ~Otto Weininger

Good grief the smoke has been thick here the last few days. We have several forest fires burning not too far away and the smoke is so thick that it almost blots out the sun and drops the temperature. This is the worst that it has been in years! It has affected my lungs and thereby also affected my voice. I can’t ever seem to get my voice fully opened up to sing everyday for rehearsals and my nose is stuffed up. It makes rehearsals unpleasant and I sure hope it clears up in the next day or two. The weather man says that the winds are supposed to be changing and carrying the smoke out of the valley. I surely hope so!

Bye Bye Bad Friendships!

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Bye Bye Bad Friendships!

Friends are like roses…you have to look out for the pricks!~ Anonymous. 

Even before I finally became sober I was slowly eliminating “bad” friends out of my life. It was a long process, sometimes they just didn’t want to let go, but in order for me to maintain my sobriety I had to let them go. The first ones to go were the ones that enabled my drinking the most with their own drinking habits, these were actually the easiest. The ones that were closest to me were the hardest to let go of because they are the ones that hurt me the worse. One “friend”, the one I thought that loved me most betrayed me in such a way that I will never be able to forgive them. This person had gotten sober and found “god” but they didn’t eliminate some of their worse traits and I inadvertently found out that this person was never really a true friend in the first place because they went after something very close to my heart and tried to take it for their own when I was going through a very rough patch in my life. This same person has been trying to get back into my life, but what they don’t realize is that once they betrayed me in that way there is no hope whatever that they will ever get back into my life ever again.

Then there is this “friend” that had helped me out through a very rough patch in my life. I thought that they were being a “friend”. It wasn’t until after I was quite a ways into my sobriety that it came to me that they weren’t really a friend at all. This person had kept enabling me in my drinking, even though I had been telling them for months that I wanted to quit, that I needed to quit, that my life depended on my quitting. I finally realized how caustic this person really was and is. I finally told them to stay away from me, not to call me, and I explained to them that every time I saw them it took me right back to that bad place I was in just a few short months ago and I needed them to stay away from me because the memories were far too painful. I told this person that if I saw them I would turn and walk the other way because just simply by their presence it reminded me of the pit of hell I was in and it was hurtful to my sobriety. 

Fortunately now I have a whole new group of friends that are loving and sober and working on the same goals that I am. They are supportive and have been with me since the first day I met them on our paths to sobriety. With friends like that who needs the trash of old enabling friendships sticking around with its stench and flies buzzing incessantly around.

 

Body and Mind

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Body and Mind

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.” – Reinhold Niebuhr 

Ok, so here’s the deal. Now that I have changed my mind’s perspective it is time to go after the body. Since I am no longer drinking my calories and I am eating normally instead of going days without eating, choosing to drink instead, I am starting to put on some weight. So, now that I have the mind in line it’s time to start taking care of the positive effects of what is happening to my body. My family has this terrible problem with obesity and my body image has always been of huge concern to me. My mother is pushing 275#’s and my grandmother weighed just about that when she passed. Excuse my vanity Buddha, but I like looking good and I don’t like little pockets of fat sticking out all over my body. I made a command decision yesterday that I would take a 1-2 hour bike ride every morning. So this is it…day 1 of the beginning of a new path for me…the path of caring for the positive effects happening to my mind as well as my body. Wish me luck!

Lay it on the Line!

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Lay it on the Line!

One of the best ways of keeping your temper in an argument, as most of us know only too well, is not to listen to anything the other person has to say. - Alice Miller

I love this quote, but it’s more satirical than realistic. In an argument it is important to listen to the other’s point of view so that you can fully understand where they are coming from. It’s hard to keep your head and your cool when you are arguing about something that affects you personally.  My husband and I don’t argue very often, because we are best friends, but when we do I know I have a bad habit of shutting him out and not really hearing what he is saying. Even if he is right somehow my brain just shuts him down. I think it’s a natural response to feeling like I’m being attacked. On the other hand I want him to understand where I am coming from also. Arguments can’t be one-sided. Both parties need to get their feelings out there on the table for the other party to examine closely so that a mutual agreement can be reached. That’s the hard part, reaching down into your emotional pocket and fishing out the root of the problem, however, if you don’t get to the root it will grow into an uncontrollable weed. Next thing you know it is taking over your backyard and you don’t understand why.

 

Signs of Life

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Signs of Life

Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you riding through the ruts, don’t complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don’t bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality . Wake Up and Live! Bob Marley

There are signs of life here. I see them, and I feel them moving in an inextricable force that is moving me closer to healing. When I completed the melody for the song I wrote, “Empty (Cease to Exist)” I knew there were signs of life in me. It’s the first song I have completed from beginning to end in 2 years and for once I am happy with the results. The final step is working out the rough edges and going into the studio to record, but that is by far two of the easiest steps I will have to take. There are signs of life here. I dream them, and they are moving in mysterious patterns to help me heal. I had a dream the other day about a friend that I had broke off my friendship with. When I woke up there was a message from her on facebook. Talk about your weird case of dejavu. We hadn’t spoke in months and the same morning I dream about her she sends me a message. I looked at the time she sent the message and it was about the time I was waking from dreaming about her. The dream I was having was not a good one, it brought to surface all the negative energy I was feeling about our relationship. Call it psychic energy, call it ESP, call it what you will, but for me it was just too strange that she should message after months of silence on that particular day and at that particular time. It’s a sure sign of life in my healing process that I am able to forgive myself for the mistake I made in our relationship and a definite sign that I am healing that I have forgiven her. There are signs of life here, I messaged her back and friended her, a sure sign that I am healing.

A New Day and A New Way

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A New Day and A New Way

Forget the worries and the drama; life is too short. Let’s kiss slowly, laugh insanely, live truly, and forgive quickly.-Unknown

Up until a very short while ago my life was in complete turmoil. It’s amazing how quickly life can turn around and everything is viewed in a different light with just a few changes. Most of the changes that came in my life were pretty major, but they were all for the better. I feel I have been given a second chance at life in many areas that I had given up on. I had given up on myself and any hope of living in sobriety and that was a huge change.I have been living sober and loving every minute of it. I had forgotten what a joy life can be when you are not looking through a set of amber glasses, clouded over with alcohol. I have been given a second chance with my daughter, who I was sure I had lost forever. For that I am eternally grateful and I have absolutely no intention of letting that ever slip from my hands again. My relationship with my husband has improved 110%. It wasn’t really bad before but it wasn’t great either. Somewhere, I’m not sure when, we lost sight of each other. It nearly caused us to separate.  Now that we are back on solid ground I am so glad I finally had the where with all to see what I was doing wrong and have been given a chance at amends. I took our marriage for granted for far too long and in my blindness it was almost too late. It’s amazing to me how much things have changed in one month and I am ever so grateful that I was able to pull up out of the deep depression I was falling into. It was so deep I didn’t even realize I was going to crash and burn, but you never see that until you have moments of clarity and lucidity. I am going to take this opportunity that has been granted me and make the very best and most of it. For today is a new step toward a new day and a new way.

 

I’m Always By Your Side

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I’m Always By Your Side

“If I can see pain in your eyes then share with me your tears. If I can see joy in your eyes then share with me your smile.” ― Santosh Kalwar

My best friend just lost his older brother and I feel so much for him. I wanted to go down to Pocatello just to be there and support him but circumstances at home prevailed. I just hope he knows that I am always here for him. That’s what best friends do, support each other through the tears and pain and laugh with them in the times of joy. Boo and I have shared some of the happiest times together and some of the saddest. We have had so many nights just sitting and talking through the years. I cherish and value his friendship and I understand his pain. Boo, just know I am thinking about you!

The Child’s Gift

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The Child’s Gift

Anyone who thinks the art of conversation is dead ought to tell a child to go to bed. Robert C. Gallagher

I just had the most interesting conversation with my daughter! It just dawned on me that, yes, she indeed is a young woman. She is no longer the child that I held in my arms. She stands taller than me for goodness sake! I am proud of her, she just graduated early and is finding her path in life. My sincerest hope is that she follows her artistic path or “autistic path” as I affectionately call it. Being artistic is such a pain in the ass and she knows it too. We talked about how being an artist can cause you a lot of pain. The painting at the top of my blog is one of hers. She never ceases to amaze me with her abilities. I am a very lucky woman to have brought such a beautiful treasure into this world. And yes that is her picture on the blog entry, how lucky am I!

Facing the Changes

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Facing the Changes

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. Anatole France

Things have changed so rapidly in my life, it seems, in just a few short weeks. There are so many new and exciting challenges I must face, yet these same challenges frighten me. Every part of my world has just been turned upside down. The challenges are coming in my relationships with the people I love the most, my chosen career, and school is always a challenge. I am trying to be a strong person and face these changes with courage, yet there are times when I feel quite overwhelmed and would just like to curl up in bed, pull the covers over my head and say “To hell with it!”  But, I am a fighter, always have been and always will be. I am not one to just take shit and eat it politely with a knife and a fork. So, I say to life “bring it”, watch how this sister rolls and be prepared for the biggest battle you have ever lost because I will walk away from this and whether I win or lose I will be proud of myself for making the effort.

Living in Fear

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Living in Fear

 Charles Dickens - “Oh, haggard mind, groping darkly through the past incapable of detaching itself from the miserable present dragging its heavy chain of care through imaginary feasts and revels, and scenes of awful pomp seeking but a moment’s rest among the long-forgotten haunts of childhood, and the resorts of yesterday and dimly finding fear and horror everywhere” 

I have lived my life in constant fear without ever really knowing it. I am just beginning to learn how much my life has been shrouded in fear. It has caused me to be unable move forward in a lot of things, relationships, my music, a lot more than I care to count. Whenever I feel frightened of something or insecure my first reaction, my knee-jerk reaction is to close up and run. When you come from a distended family that is not affectionate and abusive you do this as a mode of protection. It’s a way of protecting yourself and shielding yourself from things that may hurt you, it’s the same reaction we have when something is flying at us, we curl up and turn away from it so it causes the least damage. I went to a concert last night and while walking there I noticed how bruised the sky looked, the sun had gone down for the most part and the clouds were shades of purple, blue and gray. It looked much like a healing bruise. If the sky can heal why can’t I?

Understanding Duality

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Understanding Duality

“Light is meaningful only in relation to darkness, and truth presupposes error. It is these mingled opposites which people our life, which make it pungent, intoxicating. We only exist in terms of this conflict, in the zone where black and white clash.”  Louis Aragon

Whether we know it or not we all have dual natures, a darkness that meets the light. Most people are afraid to explore the darker side of their duality, the darker side of their nature. The fear of what they may find if they looked really deep into that dark pit keeps them rooted in ignorance of the truth within them. It takes a strong person to face their darkest fears, and those darkest of fears are the things which they desire that are not considered “normal” by societies moral standards. They fear the carnal desires that may live deep in their psyches, down in the trenches, pushed down and controlled. What of the serial killer? Is this the person who has examined his duality and acted on those desires?…It begs the question. However, if you truly want to know who you are you must explore those deep dark caverns to know with absolute certainty what and who you are in even your darkest fear and desire.