Tag Archives: Life

It’s Not Fair!

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It’s Not Fair!

Sarah: That’s not fair! 
Jareth: You say that so often, I wonder what your basis for comparison is? ~ From The Labyrinth

I am going to whine so beware….LOL! Now that I have quit consuming my calories in mind bending beverages I am putting on weight. I have started riding bike, 7.5 miles a day everyday, to keep my weight and shape, but it’s not fair! I don’t eat anything out of the ordinary or glutton myself, but my families gene pool sux! My mother weighs in at 275 lbs and my grandmother weighed very close to that when she passed. I have always watched my weight and been super sensitive about my appearance. It’s good that I have put on weight, in November I was very sick and shot down to 125 lbs, but hell’s bells do I have to starve myself to keep from weighing over 150 lbs. My good weight is 140, that’s when I look the best. I stand 5’9″ and that is the perfect weight for my bone structure. However, the only way I get to maintain that is if I eat like a freakin’ bird.Well, I have been on the bike riding routine for less than a week, so I’ll just keep on keeping on, but dam, I still say it’s not fair. Ok I am over it now!

It Is What It Is!

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It Is What It Is!

Make the best use of what is in your power and take the rest as it happens. 

I found that the biggest part of my enjoyment and serenity yesterday cam from my sheer and open lack of expectations for what the day may bring. We played a gig last night with a drummer and bass player that we had never played with before and it went really great! It was as if we had always played together. The people who came to see us had a great time, as did I. Who could ask for more?!

Everything is Coming Our Way

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Everything is Coming Our Way

“I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.” ― Douglas AdamsThe Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul

The last two weeks have been a trip! I can’t believe how much things can turn around, and how quickly. I feel like, even through my failures, I have ended up exactly where I am supposed to be. I got some very hard news yesterday, which two weeks ago would have dropped me to my knees. I was able to take the news really much better than even I could have expected. I couldn’t believe how calm and rational I was. Where is Jaz and what did you do with her mind? At any rate, I’m glad to be here and life is good. Frankly, for the first time in a long time I am not just along for the ride, I am actually driving and I have to tell you it feels spectacular! 

 

I Won’t Give Up!

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I Won’t Give Up!

“Do not go where the path may lead; go instead where there is no path and leave a trail” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

She’s done it! My beautiful daughter received her diploma and is on her path to the future. The graduation ceremony was wonderful and I caught myself, more then once, wiping tears from my eyes. Watching my child walk up on that podium and receive her well-earned diploma brought so many wonderful thoughts to my mind. She has jumped the first big hurdle in her life, the first of many to come, and I couldn’t be more proud. I had nothing to do with her success as a student, that’s all on her and her own perseverance. I know she is a strong young woman and I know, by her personality, that she will succeed in whatever endeavor she chooses to undertake. That’s the biggest role a parent can play in their child’s life…having faith and believing in our children is one of the best gifts we can give them. Showing them our love and how much they make us proud is not only our duty as a parent, it is an important factor in a child’s development, and if we hold these little gifts back from them we are being unfair to the child and ourselves. I not only think of my daughter as the child of my heart but I value her as a best friend. I don’t know how other parents feel about their children or treat them but I share just about everything with my daughter. We play music together, we do art together, we both love to spend time outdoors together. Whether we are riding bikes, taking the dog for a walk, going swimming, it really matters not, What does matter, at the end of the day, is that we spend quality time together, talking about each other’s hopes and dreams and just listening to one another. This is what I value, this is what I love.  I hope that you as a parent come to have the kind of wonderful friendship with your child that I have for mine, there really is nothing more precious than having a lifelong friend that is the heart of your heart and blood of your blood.

  • Inspiration (twopartswhimsicalonepartpeculiar.wordpress.com)

Foundations

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Foundations

Aquarius Horoscope for week of May 10, 2012

Verticle Oracle cardAquarius (January 20-February 19)
If you’ve been tuning in to my horoscopes during the past months, you’re aware that I have been encouraging you to refine and deepen the meaning of home. You know that I have been urging you to get really serious about identifying what kind of environment you need in order to thrive; I’ve been asking you to integrate yourself into a community that brings out the best in you; I’ve been nudging you to create a foundation that will make you strong and sturdy for a long time. Now it’s time to finish up your intensive work on these projects. You’ve got about four more weeks before a new phase of your life’s work will begin. 

 

Although I am not a believer in horoscopes per say, but I always love Rob Brezney’s sound advice on my horoscopes and that is why I publish it in my blogs each week. There have been some weeks where he has missed the mark, but most the time I find he seems to have his finger on the pulse of what may be happening in my life at that time. I have really been focusing on my environment the last few weeks, including things like planting my garden, making time for art work and music and making more time to read. I have also been working steadily on my sobriety, as many who follow my blog know. I have been embracing and trying to understand what works and doesn’t work for me. This is just a little thank you to Rob for his wonderful little snippets of advice, you have been unseen in person but a loudly heard positive influence in my ever chaotic, ever expanding world!

Love and Support

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Love and Support

Aquarius Horoscope for week of April 12, 2012

Verticle Oracle cardAquarius (January 20-February 19)
We all know that spiders are talented little creatures. Spiders’ silk is as strong as steel, and their precisely geometric webs are engineering marvels. But even though they have admirable qualities I admire, I don’t expect to have an intimate connection with a spider any time soon. A similar situation is at work in the human realm. I know certain people who are amazing creators and leaders but don’t have the personal integrity or relationship skills that would make them trustworthy enough to seek out as close allies. Their beauty is best appreciated from afar. Consider the possibility that the ideas I’m articulating here would be good for you to meditate on right now, Aquarius. 
All of creation loves you very much. Even now, people you know and people you don’t know are collaborating to make sure you have all you need to make your next smart move. But are you willing to start loving life back with an equal intensity? The adoration it offers you has not exactly been unrequited, but there is room for you to be more demonstrative.

SACRED ADVERTISEMENT 
Whatever you choose to focus your attention on, you will get more of it. If you often think of everything you lack and how sad you are that you don’t have it, you will tend to receive prolific evidence of how true that is. As you obsess on all the ways your life is different from what you wish it would be, you will become an expert in rousing feelings of frustration and you will attract experiences that assist you in rousing frustration.

If, on the other hand, you dwell on the good things you have already had the privilege to experience, you will expand your appreciation for their blessings, which in turn will amplify their beneficent impact on your life. You will also magnetize yourself to receive further good things, making it more likely that they will be attracted into your sphere. At the very least, you will get in the habit of enjoying yourself no matter what the outward circumstances are. 

Wow! Rob went on and on today in my horoscope! He just reminded me of how supportive my family and friends have been in my choice of sobriety. They have given me all the love and support that I could possibly ask for and it is helping me make smarter and better decisions, thank Buddha for my friends and family! I honestly don’t believe I could be this strong without them and I love them so much more for it. If you or someone you know is struggling with this same problem please remember that your support and love can make all the difference to them and whether they chose to live or throw their life away fruitlessly. 

Peacock Presence

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Peacock Presence

For some reason I keep running into peacocks. It seems that every time I turn around some image of a peacock is crossing my path. It started a few days ago when I won a peacock necklace. Then when I went shopping at The World Market I ran into a peacock ring that I just had to have. Later that same night I went shopping for a journal for my daughter and guess what? You guessed it, I found her a journal that had peacock feathers imprinted on it. These are just a few of the instances, everywhere I go I keep seeing peacocks, peacock feathers and representations of peacocks. I think Buddha is trying to tell me something, and I think it is something very positive in relation to my sobriety. I’m still trying to understand the significance and since it seems to be a recurring theme in my life I’m quite certain there is an underlying positive message. Not so very long ago I kept running into crows, not just a couple, not even just a few, but whole murders of crows, and at that time I was in a very dark place. I never take messages from nature for granted and I firmly believe that the peacock message is meant for me to gain some better understanding of the nature of my new found state in my path to nirvana. 

From “The wheel of Sharp Weapons”, written by Dharmaraksita

In jungles of poisonous plants strut the peacocks,

Through medicine gardens of beauty lie near.

The masses of peacocks do not find gardens pleasant,

But thrive on the essence of poisonous plants,

In similar fashion the brave bodhisattvas

Remain in the jungle of worlds concern.

No matter how joyful this world pleasure garden,

These brave ones are never attracted to pleasures,

But thrive in the jungle of suffering and pain.


 The Symbolism of peacocks in Buddhism

 In buddhism they symbolize wisdom.

Peacocks are said to have the ability of eating poisonous plants without being affected by them. Because of that, they are synonimous with the great bodhisattvas. A bodhisattva is able to take delusions as the path toward liberation and transform the poisonous mind of ignorance, desire and hatred [moha, raga, dvesa] into the thought of enlightenment or bodhicitta, which opens colourfully like the peacocks’ tail. 

The mind of the sentient beings in this world is like a thick forest of desire and hatred. The pleasures and material possessions are like a beautiful medicinal garden. The brave-minded bodhisattvas, because of having realised the shortcomings of samsara, are not atracted to samsaric pleasures, just as the peacocks are not attracted to medicinal plants. The bodhisattvas, having the attitude of wishing only to work for sentient beings and not desiring any happiness for themselves, can utilise the poisonous thoughts of ignorance, desire, hatred and so forth in order to accomplish the works for sentient beings.

By eating poison, the peacocks’ body becomes healthy and beautiful. He is adorned with five feathers on the head, which symbolize the five paths of the boddhisattva and the attainment of the five Buddha families. They have beautiful colours, like blue, red, green and please other beings just by being seen. Similarly, any body who sees a bodhisattva receives great happiness in his mind. The peacock’s eating habits of eating poisonous plants do not cause harm to other beings. Similarly the bodhisattvas don’t give the slightest harm to any other sentient beings. By eating poison the colours of his feathers become bright and his body healthy. Similarly, by taking all problems and suffering upon themselves, the bodhisattvas quickly purify the mental blocks and develop their mind quickly, attaining higher and higher realization. Particularly peacocks symbolize the transmutting of desire into the path of liberation. Therefore, they are the vehicle of Buddha amitabha, who represents desire and attachment transmuted into the Wisdom of Discriminating Awareness.

Bucket List Aspirations

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Bucket List Aspirations

Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them. – Henry David Thoreau

I have been meaning to write down my bucket list  for years and I figure there is no better time than the present. I have no intentions of dying anytime soon, however it would be very cool if I at least had a list of the things I want to accomplish before I die. The thing is, if I don’t get it written down I may never even attempt some of the things that I have mentally been promising myself I would do. I don’t know what the next life is going to bring, but I sure know that for this life, before I exhale my last breath, I want to know, in my mind’s eye, that I have accomplished something in this one. and what better day to start it than on April Fool’s Day…=). I guess if I don’t accomplish everything I can always say I was only kidding! So here goes:

1. To go to New Orleans for Mardi Gras for my Birthday

2. To visit the home of my family, Cowbridge, Glamorganshire, Wales

3. To see “The Phantom of the Opera” live at least once

4. To learn how to can vegetables in a pressure cooker (this is a good year to do this because I am going to have a large garden)

5. To read all the plays by Shakespeare at least once ( working on it)

6. To go to Key West Florida while I am still in good enough shape to enjoy it

7. To go to Tibet

8. To quit smoking ( big time! This could end my bucket list =))

9. Own my own restaurant

10. Write one book

I think 10 on my list is a good starting point. I’ll leave it at that for now.

Signs of Life

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Signs of Life

Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you riding through the ruts, don’t complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don’t bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality . Wake Up and Live! Bob Marley

There are signs of life here. I see them, and I feel them moving in an inextricable force that is moving me closer to healing. When I completed the melody for the song I wrote, “Empty (Cease to Exist)” I knew there were signs of life in me. It’s the first song I have completed from beginning to end in 2 years and for once I am happy with the results. The final step is working out the rough edges and going into the studio to record, but that is by far two of the easiest steps I will have to take. There are signs of life here. I dream them, and they are moving in mysterious patterns to help me heal. I had a dream the other day about a friend that I had broke off my friendship with. When I woke up there was a message from her on facebook. Talk about your weird case of dejavu. We hadn’t spoke in months and the same morning I dream about her she sends me a message. I looked at the time she sent the message and it was about the time I was waking from dreaming about her. The dream I was having was not a good one, it brought to surface all the negative energy I was feeling about our relationship. Call it psychic energy, call it ESP, call it what you will, but for me it was just too strange that she should message after months of silence on that particular day and at that particular time. It’s a sure sign of life in my healing process that I am able to forgive myself for the mistake I made in our relationship and a definite sign that I am healing that I have forgiven her. There are signs of life here, I messaged her back and friended her, a sure sign that I am healing.

Waking to Rain

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Waking to Rain

The rain began again. It fell heavily, easily, with no meaning or intention but the fulfilment of its own nature, which was to fall and fall.
Helen Garner

I woke this morning to the sound of the pitter patter of the falling rain. My heart is yearning for sunshine, my legs are itching for a bike ride,  my hands are itching to paint outdoors. The consolation I have in the drops as they hit my window pane is the knowledge that with this rain comes the blessing of abundant flowers, sunny days filled with warmth and laughter, and the knowledge that very soon I will be able to go riding among the fresh spring smells of new flowers and trees bearing brand new leaves. For now I can visualize it in my mind, almost smell it, almost feel it. That is enough to sustain me for today, but please rain, bring me something special this spring, something I have never seen before. Bring me a memory to cherish and to hold onto through next winter and keep me warm through the chill nights. 

If Only For Today

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If Only For Today

Old friends pass away, new friends appear. It is just like the days. An old day passes, a new day arrives. The important thing is to make it meaningful: a meaningful friend – or a meaningful day. Dalai Lama

If only for today I am happy. I care not what tomorrow may bring after the trials and tribulations I have faced in all my yesterdays. For today I am at peace. For I know now that my tomorrows are in my control to make peaceful and happy based upon my actions. For today I am happy. I have washed away all of yesterday’s tears because they can not be taken back into my eyes. I am living for today. For the past I can not alter or change and tomorrow may never come. If only for today I am alive like never before. For I have let the demons of the past go and stopped worrying about the path of tomorrow. If only for today, because that is all that truly matters! 

Honesty Sux Huh?!

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Honesty Sux Huh?!

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” ― Marilyn Monroe

Sometimes being completely honest is entirely too hard for other people to take. I believe they want lies, it’s easier to soak in because that is what they are used to. When you are blatantly honest they don’t know what to think or feel. If you don’t like the truth then stay out of my playground. I will never cease to tell you the truth regardless of what you may think you want to hear. I am not here to coddle you or change your diapers. Poop is ugly, no matter how you look at it! Many times people expect you to eat shit politely with a knife and fork, screw that!

Facing the Changes

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Facing the Changes

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. Anatole France

Things have changed so rapidly in my life, it seems, in just a few short weeks. There are so many new and exciting challenges I must face, yet these same challenges frighten me. Every part of my world has just been turned upside down. The challenges are coming in my relationships with the people I love the most, my chosen career, and school is always a challenge. I am trying to be a strong person and face these changes with courage, yet there are times when I feel quite overwhelmed and would just like to curl up in bed, pull the covers over my head and say “To hell with it!”  But, I am a fighter, always have been and always will be. I am not one to just take shit and eat it politely with a knife and a fork. So, I say to life “bring it”, watch how this sister rolls and be prepared for the biggest battle you have ever lost because I will walk away from this and whether I win or lose I will be proud of myself for making the effort.

Living the Dream

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Living the Dream

“Excellence can be obtained if you care more than others think is wise, risk more than others think is safe, dream more than others think is practical, expect more than others think is possible.” -Unknown

I like to believe that this much is very true. That if I strive for excellence and care very much about the things I am passionate about they will pay me back ten fold with fulfillment and joy. A great part of reaching this excellence is achieved in stepping out on the edge of the cliff and not allowing yourself to be afraid of the HUGE drop in front of you. It is to look at the fear of failure and face it head on and tell yourself I will not be afraid. For if I risk nothing I gain nothing. You have to dream big and face those frightening challenges ahead if you are to ever expect to achieve your goals and reach to the highest pinacles.

 

 

 

It’s My Life

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It’s My Life

 The fence around a cemetery is foolish, for those inside can’t get out and those outside don’t want to get in.   Brisbane, Arthur

I am having claustrophobia today! It’s going to be my 42nd Birthday on Sunday and I’m sitting here postulating death! What a maudlin person am I to sit contemplating 50 when I haven’t yet begun to live. I realize of course I am just being foolish and on that note I think I will go out and have some fun!