Tag Archives: loss

Don’t Let Me Down

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Don’t Let Me Down

“A pier is a disappointed bridge.” ― Julian BarnesFlaubert’s Parrot

I remember the feeling of being disappointed as a child. My mom was really good at letting me down, on a lot of things. There were small disappointments, like the many times I wanted to go roller skating but she was more interested in going partying with her friends than taking me to the skating rink. Then there were bigger disappointments. When I told her my brother was beating me she chose to ignore it. That was more than a disappointment, that was a pain I have never quite forgiven her for. Now as an adult I find that I have had to disappoint my best friend and my daughter, and I am upset about it. My best friend’s brother died last week and I had every intention of going to Pocatello to support him, however I couldn’t go because of financial constraints here at home. I can only hope that he can find it in his heart to forgive me. Also, my daughter is having a very hard time adjusting to her new situation and if I had gone to Pocatello I could have helped her with the problems she is having. So, once again, and all in the same week, I have let two of the most important people in my life down.  I’m mad at myself and worried about both of them. I realize that disappointment is our reaction to expectations that we have of other’s and we shouldn’t have expectations because then we won’t set ourselves up for a fall. I think, as human beings, we just can’t help it. Everyone has a set of expectations and one can’t help but feel disappointed when those expectations aren’t met, we can’t help it, it’s in our nature. I only hope they can forgive me.

Honesty Sux Huh?!

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Honesty Sux Huh?!

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” ― Marilyn Monroe

Sometimes being completely honest is entirely too hard for other people to take. I believe they want lies, it’s easier to soak in because that is what they are used to. When you are blatantly honest they don’t know what to think or feel. If you don’t like the truth then stay out of my playground. I will never cease to tell you the truth regardless of what you may think you want to hear. I am not here to coddle you or change your diapers. Poop is ugly, no matter how you look at it! Many times people expect you to eat shit politely with a knife and fork, screw that!

“Eloise to Abelard” by Alexander Pope a Timeless Love Poem

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Practical Magic

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Practical Magic

“Sometimes I feel like there’s a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. The moon tonight, there’s a circle around it. Sign of trouble not far behind. I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing… I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don’t know. Maybe I had my happiness. I don’t want to believe it but, there is no man, Gilly. Only that moon.”   ( from Practical Magic)

This is one of my all time favorite quotes of all time and it fits my life in many ways. It coincides with my earlier blog on fear http://catseyesk.wordpress.com/2012/02/02/living-in-fear/ 

Perspectives

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Perspectives

Everything is Song. Everything is Silence. Since it all turns out to be illusion, perfectly being what it is, having nothing to do with good or bad, you are free to die laughing. James Broughton

I have wondered how often in my life I have allowed myself to live in the illusion of a dream, as if looking through a crystal and seeing the many prisms that aren’t really there, refracted in a rainbow of colors that my minds eye only perceives. I see the colors reflected within and they distort and evolve, turn the crystal one way and the colors change, turn it the other way and your mind’s eye is presented with a whole new rainbow of different colors, vivid and translucent. I find that people are much like this same crystal, filled with a rainbow of emotions and raw feelings that change in an instant. Look at them one way and you see one set of colorful emotions, look at them in another light and you see something completely different, yet the same. The colors can at once seem beautiful and sublime and at others so blinding they make you cry and break your heart.

Losing the Obvious

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Losing the Obvious

“It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see.” -Henry David Thoreau

  • Sometimes we can be standing in front of a person and they never see us, truly see us for who we really are. We are negative creatures by nature and tend to see things on a pessimistic level or don’t see them at all. You can look and look at something and it can be staring you right in the face and you’ll never see it for the forest through the trees. It is just our nature. We can have the best thing standing right within arms length but we never reach out and take hold of it. The thing that is so desirable becomes like a ghost shadow that we just see right through without realizing it has substance, it has needs and wants to be seen. The sad thing of it is is this;  if we don’t grab hold of it while we can then one day it is just gone, simply disappeared, and chances are we won’t miss it until it has completely vanished and we didn’t even know when or why.