“Sometimes I feel like there’s a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. The moon tonight, there’s a circle around it. Sign of trouble not far behind. I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing… I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don’t know. Maybe I had my happiness. I don’t want to believe it but, there is no man, Gilly. Only that moon.” ( from Practical Magic)
This is one of my all time favorite quotes of all time and it fits my life in many ways. It coincides with my earlier blog on fear https://catseyesk.wordpress.com/2012/02/02/living-in-fear/
Charles Dickens – “Oh, haggard mind, groping darkly through the past incapable of detaching itself from the miserable present dragging its heavy chain of care through imaginary feasts and revels, and scenes of awful pomp seeking but a moment’s rest among the long-forgotten haunts of childhood, and the resorts of yesterday and dimly finding fear and horror everywhere”
I have lived my life in constant fear without ever really knowing it. I am just beginning to learn how much my life has been shrouded in fear. It has caused me to be unable move forward in a lot of things, relationships, my music, a lot more than I care to count. Whenever I feel frightened of something or insecure my first reaction, my knee-jerk reaction is to close up and run. When you come from a distended family that is not affectionate and abusive you do this as a mode of protection. It’s a way of protecting yourself and shielding yourself from things that may hurt you, it’s the same reaction we have when something is flying at us, we curl up and turn away from it so it causes the least damage. I went to a concert last night and while walking there I noticed how bruised the sky looked, the sun had gone down for the most part and the clouds were shades of purple, blue and gray. It looked much like a healing bruise. If the sky can heal why can’t I?