Daily Archives: May 29, 2012

You Don’t See Me

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You Don’t See Me

It’s amazing to me…I am standing right in front of you…yet you don’t see me….Jaz Fagan

I am the person who has shared the last ten years of your life with you. Loved with you, hurt with you, but still you don’t see me, yet. How much time do you need? I swear to you I am trying, but it’s never enough, is it? How much do you want me to give? I am exhausted by your expectations of me….I don’t think I have much more to give.  I want to live my life, this one little piece that has been given to me and you are slowly erasing me, slowly destroying me, making me invisible. Thank you for that!

 

Fire!

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Fire!

To poke a wood fire is more solid enjoyment than almost anything else in the world.  ~Charles Dudley Warner

I am much like this. I am like that log in a fire, that until you stick it with a poker, I really don’t have much to say, however, once poked I rage with the poke of the stick or metal implement and I speak in pops and hisses, fire raising up its beautiful orange and red head. But, like most fires, I quiet down. I will speak my mind and then the cold and quiet will come until the next camper decides to put some more fuel to the top of the burning heat just under the surface of what looks cold.I am the representation of a furnace burning just under the surface. I will rest idle, and be perfectly ok with that. I am usually a hermit and keep quiet to myself. Like most hermit crabs, I am grouchy, moody and really don’t say much unless it’s important. If you have never been around a camp fire you have missed the happiness, on a very cold Idaho night, of poking the log and seeing the sparks and flames jump. You are standing in the wilderness and everything is quiet, You suddenly decide to take a poker and stick the log. Flames, sparks and ashes fly….Are you really surprised? That’s what you get for waking the fire….Heat…, your face is burning to the point where you feel like you’re facing the sun and the just as suddenly there is smoke in your face, gagging you.  You can’t go far enough to the left without ending up in the rapidly moving river.  Just as quickly the flames die down and the sudden quiet envelops you. It’s so quiet that all you hear are the crickets singing their violin harmonies and the pop and crackle of water being released from the log. You curl up in your sleeping bag and awake at 6 am in the Rockies with the sun telling you to get your ass out of bed and wash your face in the river. The flames have died, all that’s left are the memories of the heat and the crickets song, the cold earth under your shoulder and how much you wish you had brought a wash cloth to wipe away the ashes.

Gravity

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Gravity

I discovered the secret of the sea in meditation upon a dewdrop. Kahlil Gibran 

I am so used to my days being either entirely insanely busy or entirely quiet. Either way, it drives me crazy, just the same. I have the hardest time sitting still and just meditating on a single drop of water. It seems like I am always waiting for the water drop to fall, fall off a tap in a kitchen, fall from the leaf of a beautiful flower, fall in the garden. Just simply fall. Sometimes, o.k. most of the time, I forget to just look at the drop of water. All my busy mind sees is a crashing rolling sea of salt water waiting to suck me under her eddy and tides. To wax and wane me at her will. My mind refuses to see the simple rounded drops of a single little drop of water presented to me as a gift. My mind refuses to see the reflections mirrored in reverse and completely upside down. It’s like the saying that, “You can’t see the forest for the trees.”  A different perspective, an entirely new perspective and my brain absolutely refuses to register this upside down “Alice” world and all it’s gifts and beauty. This surrealistic world where dreams are reality and reality dreams. This is the biggest down fall in my search for Buddhism and peace. I Can Not sit still. I thought, foolishly, that as I got older I would somehow achieve some sort of plane of simplicity, some sort of simpatico with the universe, but I find, as I get older, I am busier than ever.  I am more active than ever in such a different way. I was amazingly aware of things when I was 18 and 19, 23 and 24. My awareness has taken on a different panorama. It’s as if my mind has become skewed and twisted. I still feel 24 in body and spirit, but it takes just one look in the mirror to make me realize I am seeing that dew drop that is waiting to fall off the leaf of the flower, that one mirrored drop waiting to fall off the tap,  and it’s as if I am seeing it for the first time.  This is not a depressed blog, it’s just a simple fact. I ride my mountain bike around without a care in the world, I see the beauty around me and it registers, I don’t feel 42. There is still this part of my mind that sees all the beauty that surrounds me. I am constantly reminded how alive I really am.  I am so fortunate to be able to ride a mountain bike, walk and hike, enjoy my day, create art, make music, love and live. I realize that  that dew drop, albeit upside down and in reverse, is just a reflection of my life, only older and still waiting, waiting patiently to understand when gravity will take hold. Buddhism will find me and I only hope it finds me worthy. I hope it finds me strong enough, worthy enough, and lotus worthy. I hope karma looks at my life’s journey and allows me the honor of coming back as a bird or a fish and doesn’t choose to turn me into a toad stool, no matter how many fairy rings I created. Don’t take this as a sad blog, it’s not, by a long shot. It’s simply an observation of my life and the life around me. It’s pretty cool that I am aware who I am and where I am on the food chain.