Shattered

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Shattered

I know it seems like I’m this strong person who can get through anything, but inside I’m fragile. I’ve had so many things thrown at me, and each one has only made a crack. What I’m afraid of is shattering.

I cried myself to sleep last night, yesterday was a really bad day and I haven’t wanted a drink more since I quit than I did yesterday, and I have never wanted to quit music more than I did yesterday. I didn’t give in to the unholy terror ripping through the core of my being, but don’t think that I didn’t want to. It is so hard to face the knowing, the knowledge that you have something really beautiful inside you to give and no one wants it. You are ignored and treated like crap by even the ones closest to you. You think I would be used to it by now, it’s been that way my entire life. My mother had an ignore button and she’s apparently not the only one. The day started out good, I found a sponsor, but then it just went to crap. What still sticks in my mind was when a person I like very much said something completely rude and snide to me. I was trying not to take up his time because I knew he was busy and I though his son was going to fix our beverages for us. Like an idiot I said this and he snapped at me and made a point of reminding me who he is. It hurt! What this friend probably didn’t know was that I was already a wounded animal when I walked up to the counter. Well my wounds were only going to get deeper before the day was finished with me. I sat at a table with my beverage and waited. Next thing I know my lead guitar player/husband was gone and didn’t say a word, I was left there sitting alone, beverage in hand and hurt. He was where I wanted to be. So I left and went home and cried myself to sleep. It’s morning and I am still crying. Why can’t my heart have a crap cleaner like my computer?

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6 responses »

  1. I have no idea what this post is really about. I find many bloggers when they post about personal issues, never give a complete back story when posting about a specific personal issue. What exactly was this gut to you? Why would his rudeness be such that it makes you cry? Is he a lover, a crush, an ex?

    Why would you allow some man to make you consider drinking if you know you are attempting sobriety? Is this person worth any of this agony you’re putting yourself thru?

    You’re a smart woman, get your shit together. Yesterday was nothing. There are people with no food to eat and no place to live, your bad day was nothing. Think about it.

    • JB, this person is a very important business associate where we play music at and a close friend, or so I thought. It wasn’t him or any one particular thing or person, it was everything as a whole. There were several things happening yesterday that hit at the core of my being as a musician and I’m sorry for all the people out there that have no food and no home but that has nothing to do with the pain I am feeling. That was kind of a red herring you threw out there. Thanx for that J.B. but I don’t want to be too specific because this blog is only like a diary and I don’t want to write a diatribe. This is my sounding board and it’s how I get things off my chest. 🙂

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