If You Could Feel What I feel Then You Would Know What I Feel

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If You Could Feel What I feel Then You Would Know What I Feel

I learned to be with myself rather than avoiding myself with limiting habits; I started to be aware of my feelings more, rather than numb them. Judith Wright

When you stop using mind altering substances, such as alcohol in my case, you are forced out of your little numb closet into the world of feelings. Suddenly you realize you are alive and you can feel. Those feelings can become overwhelming because when you begin to feel again every emotion begins to take on the proportions of a bright painting in the vivid neon colors that are so intense they hurt your eyes and you are powerless to turn away from the painting even though it burns your vision. Yesterday was just such a day for me. I went through my day just as surely as if I were a  zombie plodding along going down some strange path and going through the motions without knowing why I was doing that or where I was going. I wasn’t numb, in fact I was far from it, I was in a deep pensive funk that I couldn’t seem to shake and I burst into tears at one point for absolutely no reason.  I guess instead of taking the day off from my normally busy schedule I should have kept busy but I had no way of knowing that my mind was going to be in such a turmoil of mixed emotions. Sometimes being too busy can be a very good thing. 

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8 responses »

  1. love the pixies and this song is one of their best. Your post is also powerful, I burst into tears a lot these past couple of years, they are growing pains…. I wonder if you feel that way about your alternation of numbness and feeling too much as well? 🙂

  2. Reblogged this on shafiqah1 and commented:
    love the pixies and this song is one of their best. Your post is also powerful, I burst into tears a lot these past couple of years, they are growing pains…. I wonder if you feel that way about your alternation of numbness and feeling too much as well?

  3. It’s not like you haven’t had a lot to deal with recently, Jaz–tears don’t seem an unreasonable reaction, to me, even if they come up unexpectedly. Even when we keep busy, the emotions are there underneath it all. That’s OK. At least, I think so anyway. Hope today is happier, busier, or somehow better! ~ Lily

  4. Hey, do you ever feel like taking a meat cleaver to relatives that insist that addiction is all a question of lack of character? Not that I ever do, of course. Just asking.

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