I’m Really Not Ok…


The darkest places in hell are reserved for those who maintain their neutrality in times of moral crisis. Dante Alighieri

I am in a crisis and I don’t think I realize it yet. I know I’m falling apart, I see little bits and pieces of me lying around and don’t quite know how to pick them up and put them back into place. Here a piece, there a piece, everywhere a piece piece. I talk to people everyday and act like everything is ok but it’s not. I am in pain and there aren’t enough showers to wash everything away. There is a huge part of me that wants to be left alone…………..and yet, and yet…I’m a suffocating flower, suffocating under Mom’s thumb, Michael’s thumb. Everyone wants a piece of me, when do I get a piece of myself????

9 responses »

  1. amiga
    the sudden death of a loved one leaves us numb; at first we feel as if the scripts got mixed up, and we’re on the wrong stage. then we slowly allow the reality of our loss sink into our psyches, and yes, we are so very sad. what we are left with are our memories of that loved one and how they touched our lives. for sure she is looking over you right now, and what would she be saying if you could hear her? probably that she is fine, oh so joyously fine, like that person who first jumps into the cold water and everyone is left behind with mouths agape and staring at the splash….

    she would not want you to be staring at the splash and wondering why she didn’t come back to shore.. she’d want you to be happy that she had graduated to the next step, and now she is in a powerfully-high chair watching over you and cheering for you. she knows how much you loved her and she does not want you to be sad. even if she were here, she cannot fix anything for you.. no one can.. friends are like that icing on the cake – they make it so much better, but we have to tend to the ingredients that go into the cake to be sure that we’re using good ingredients so that it turns out well. then we earn those candles an icing – — our friends decorate our lives like that — they can’t make us happier or change how we are, but they enhance the person that we are.

    did any of that babbling make any sense? yes, we are oh so sad when that person is no longer in our lives, but they have touched us in a very positive way. time does help, and even when we have good days/weeks/months, our old friend grief will rear its ugly head and bite us when we least expect it. ten years after my mother died, a very minor incident triggered an outburst of crying that i could not stop for hours! i realized that we can tell ourselves we are tough, and we can swallow our tears, but they have to come back out at some point.

    purge, my friend, and purge and embrace the pain, tell your friend how much you miss her, and tell her goodbye…. find your closure and slowly allow those wounds to close… she’s watching over you and will also rejoice with you when you find your genuine beautiful smile again.


      • i have lost many loved ones, and iwth each one i learn to treasure the ones still with us even more. you’ve been through a lot since i’ve known you, and though we might not like some of Life’s lessons, we grow stronger with each one.

        i went through a very big disappointment, and i emerged with a new painting style… when i look at the nw style, i reflect on the history of what nudged me into the explosive use of color.. through that, i healed as well. a long long time ago i did not paint in color for three or four years.. some losses left me ‘spent’ and my paintings turned to mud… it’s so great to be in full living color again! you’ll get there too, and your music will let you know when you’re 100 percent again!

        look at this as incubation time… hang in there, you’re worth it! z

  2. Milady Jaz… here are some words to remind you of who is in control of your life….

    Do not confuse “duty” with what other people expect of you; they are utterly different. Duty is a debt you owe to yourself to fulfill obligations you have assumed voluntarily. Paying that debt can entail anything from years of patient work to instant willingness to die. Difficult it may be, but the reward is self-respect. 
    But there is no reward at all for doing what other people expect of you, and to do so is not merely difficult, but impossible. It is easier to deal with a footpad than it is with the leech who wants “just a few minutes of your time, please — this won’t take long.” Time is your total capital, and the minutes of your life are painfully few. If you allow yourself to fall into the vice of agreeing to such requests, they quickly snowball to the point where these parasites will use up 100 percent of your time — and squawk for more!
    So learn to say No – and to be rude about it when necessary. Otherwise you will not have time to carry out your duty, or to do your own work, and certainly no time for love and happiness. The termites will nibble away your life and leave none of it for you. (This rule does not mean that you must not do a favor for a friend, or even a stranger. But let the choice be yours. Don’t do it because it is “expected” of you.) ~~ Lazarus Long, aka Robert A. Heinlein

    Remember, all the answers are right there inside you, as long as you listen to them when you ask the questions… Be strong, my dear… and Blessed Be…. 😀

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