Category Archives: Fear

How You Treat Others

Standard
How You Treat Others

I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. Winston Churchill 

How you treat others and speak to them is a direct reflection of yourself. If you look down on others and treat them with disdain what is this saying about you as a person? On the other side of the coin, if you treat each and every person with courtesy and respect what does that say? Recently I have had the experience of running into both ends of the spectrum. I have had one person that was so rude and short with me that I will never speak with that person ever again. This person treated me as if I was no better than a little bug under their shoe. On the other hand I have met some very sweet people that have been warm and inviting and in the end formed some new friendships. In the middle of the spectrum I have a friend who is incredibly self-involved and only seems to be focusing on their own current negative situation. They are so busy having a pity party that they are completely oblivious to the people around them and the difficulties of their friend’s situations. If you are hurting, this person is hurting 10 x’s worse. You know this person. Rather than focusing their energy on fixing the situation they blow their horn vociferously to anyone who will listen about their terrible situation and how no one is helping them. Part of the problem with this, beyond the obvious, is when a person does this their friends will draw away from them like pulling back from a hot stove. Truly, it is ok to tell people your situation, but always try to have a positive outlook and a plan on how you can fix it. No one is going to fix it for you. If you sit and cry to people all day, everyday, about your situation you are 1. wasting energy that could serve a better purpose and 2. Pushing people away from you as surely as if you were a hot, flaming coal of self-pity. No matter how bad your situation is it serves you better as a person to always keep in mind that your situation could be worse and you are not the only one hurting in this world. We all need to vent and let our friends and family know what’s going on with us, but it’s ultimately important to take the high road and if one avenue doesn’t work, explore other avenues. Eventually you will find the road that works, and never give up. No matter what, keep in mind that the things you spew out of your mouth can end up coming back to bite you and push people away. With that I leave you with the Beatles, have a peaceful day 🙂

I Still Get Butterflies

Standard
I Still Get Butterflies

Butterflies in the stomach is a phenomenon characterized by the physical sensation of a “fluttery” feeling in the stomach. This sensation can be a physical sensation related to the body’s fight or flight response or it can be an ineffable experience related to the psychology of nervousness and excitement. Wikipedia

After 20+ years of performing live you would think I wouldn’t get the butterflies anymore. Not so, although they aren’t as severe as the very first time I performed live. This will hand you a laugh. We were playing our first gig as a band and it was my first live performance in front of people in a public venue. I got the butterflies so bad and I was so nervous I was shaking. I was shaking so hard my ass cheeks were shaking and they wouldn’t stop! I felt bad for my drummer, I don’t know if he noticed or not, I hope not, but how embarassing is that! That is the only time that happened, but I still get the butterflies in my stomach. It is always during the first 2 or 3 songs performing at a new venue. They remind me that no matter how far I have come in my career, no matter how confident I am in my music, I still get nervous.

Picking up the Pieces

Standard
Picking up the Pieces

Every adversity, every failure, every heartache carries with it the seed on an equal or greater benefit. Napoleon Hill

It’s been an absolutely terrible week and I have been beating myself up so badly about some failures I had this week that I couldn’t sleep last night. I kept going over and over things maniacally until I finally drifted into a less than peaceful slumber at about 5 am. I awoke asking myself, “Jaz, what the hell are you doing this to yourself for? These are fruitful failures because they are the seeds for me to try things differently. Seeds to not making the same mistakes again. Seeds just beckoning to open into flowers of learning experience.” As they say ciest la vie, this too shall pass.

In The Dark

Standard
In The Dark

Truly, it is in the darkness that one finds the light, so when we are in sorrow, then this light is nearest of all to us.  Meister Eckhart 

I have been in a really dark place and I can’t seem to find the ladder to guide me out of this cruel hole I’ve dug myself into. My heart is breaking and my mind is floating in an abyss of lime green Jello. How did I get here? I think I need a change. I think Bill Cosby could bring me a bowl of chocolate instant pudding and I would feel better. Doesn’t chocolate pudding make everyone feel better? It’s cold and dark down here, won’t someone throw me a rope?

Fear of Rejection!

Standard
Fear of Rejection!

Aquarius Horoscope for week of May 31, 2012

Verticle Oracle cardAquarius (January 20-February 19)
Should you get down on your knees and beg for love and recognition? No! Should you give yourself away without seeking much in return? Don’t do that, either. Should you try to please everyone in an attempt to be popular? Definitely not. Should you dilute your truth so as not to cause a ruckus? I hope not. So then what am I suggesting you should do? Ask the following question about every possibility that comes before you: “Will this help me to master myself, deepen my commitment to what I want most, and gain more freedom?” 

Ok, Rob you can stop reading my mind any time now!  Todd posted a blog this morning that hit the nail on the head, so I am sharing it with you. He must have been reading my mind too. 

English: Words associated with Fear

Most people will readily admit that they are afraid of failure.

But what about fear of success? Is it possible that you are afraid of success and it’s limiting what you want to do in life?

Do you often wonder why you are not as successful as you know you could be – or should be?

Do you blame it on circumstances? Time? Money? Or do you ever, gulp, blame it on yourself?

No way…right?

The truth is a lot of people are afraid of a lot of things. And there is lots of good advice out there to help you overcome many types of fears. But when it comes to success, most people who are afraid of it are not even aware of it.

So, how can you tell? How do you know if you’re one of those people who are afraid of success so you are unwittingly the one responsible for holding yourself back? CNN Money has a quiz you can take which includes the following questions:

  • Do you feel guilty about your own happiness if a friend tells you s/he is depressed?
  • Do you find yourself not telling others about your good luck so they won’t feel envious?
  • Do you have trouble saying no to people?
  • When you start a project do you suddenly find a bunch of others things you suddenly have to take care of?
  • Do you believe that people who look out for themselves are selfish?
  • Do you avoid asking for help because you’re afraid of bothering someone?

Did you answer “yes” to some of those questions? If you did, it’s entirely possible you’re afraid of success. But does it really matter? Is your fear really limiting you?

People who are afraid of achieving success can experience the following:

  • A noted lack of effort in achieving goals, personal, school, or financial
  • Self-destructive behavior
  • Inability to make decisions and choices
  • Lack of motivation
  • Underachievement
  • Belittling your achievements
  • Feeling guilty when you do succeed
  • Making the “wrong” choices to ensure you will not be happy and successful
  • General negativity

Clearly the answer is if you fear success then your life is less than it could be.

But what can you do? What can you do to overcome success-fear so you can get on with creating the life you want to live?” Get more here: Is Fear of Success Limiting Your Productivity?.

Rate this:

1 Vote

 

Like this:

You and 6 other bloggers like this post.
  • jazfagan
  • mimijk
  • kotev1000
  • pause
  • LexoKat
  • Tracie Louise
  • PASTOR DAVIS/MASTER TEACHER

Honesty

Standard
Honesty

“If you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people.” ― Virginia Woolf

Ok, I will be the first to admit that I have been in a deeply pensive, philosophical mood the last few days. I get that way. Sometimes I blurt out exactly what I am feeling and forget that, at times, my honesty can be so blaring and blatantly painful to those who are caught unawares in the heat of my expression. I will not apologize for being honest about my feelings, but I will say that I only hope you understand that I need to express what I am feeling when I am feeling it. It is not intended as a weapon to wound you. The last thing I would ever chose to do is harm another by my words and certainly never with my fists. I just need to express myself or I will disintegrate and possibly explode. That’s not to say that I feel any particular way all the time. They are just vague but strong feelings that cross over my heart like a cloud blocks out the sun, but, as in life, the cloud passes. Please don’t take it too much to heart, this too shall pass! Never, ever forget that you are my best friend, you are the heart of my hearts and the love of my life!

I am not a BIG ONJ fan, but if the shoe fits

Metaphorical Breakthrough

Standard
Metaphorical Breakthrough

Aquarius Horoscope for week of May 17, 2012

Verticle Oracle cardAquarius (January 20-February 19)
You may not have heard about the “forbidden colors.” And you certainly haven’t seen them, even though they exist. They’re reddish green and yellowish blue, which the cells of your retina are not built to register. However, scientists have figured out a trick by which these hues can be made visible. A few lucky people have actually caught a glimpse of them. I bring this to your attention, Aquarius, because I suspect you are close to experiencing a metaphorical version of this breakthrough — seeing something that is supposedly impossible to see. 

Boy do I ever need to have breakthrough, be it metaphorical or otherwise. This week has been a real struggle for me emotionally and I do apologize to my friends here at WordPress. Let me simply state this for the record. My Buddha blog is all about getting in touch with nature, my nature and the nature of those around me. As with most things in life you have to take the good with the bad. This week seems to be one of the bad ones. But, I do promise you and myself that it’s going to get better.

 

I Never Promised you a Rose Garden

Standard
I Never Promised you a Rose Garden

“There is nothing that you can do to me that my own craziness doesn’t do to me smarter and faster and better.” ― Joanne GreenbergI Never Promised You a Rose Garden

I never swore I was going to be perfect or idyllic. I never swore I was going to be this perfect image of a wife, a mother or a daughter. I think sometimes you forget that I am human. I am a human first and always, therefore I am prone to make errors and mistakes. I never said that it was all going to be perfect, it mostly never is. I strive, just like most people, to be the best I can on any given day. That concept, however, is prone to come asunder to my mood swings on any given day. When I created this blog on the eve of the New Year I swore I would try to write everyday. Most of the time I do, but sometimes, yes sometimes, I just don’t give a crap because I don’t want others to see exactly how black my mood is. Today is one of those days, and guess what, most of the time I am positive about life and all its funny little speed bumps. Today those speed bumps feel like massive trenches. Sorry, never said it was going to be all roses and butterflies. It is what it is. Now, would someone please hand me my helmet….I’m going in….  

Time!

Standard
Time!

Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain. You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today

And then one day you find ten years have got behind you. No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun. Pink Floyd

I have been doing some reminiscing the past week and have come to realize a few things. Why is it that men age so much more gracefully than women? Just past 42 and I see the lines in my face of time, the scars in my face of the past and I still see a pretty face, just a different one. I find that I use more makeup now than I ever have in my life except when going out for a special night. Trying my best to disguise the lines, trying to cover the scars. I have also been reminiscing about the time I used to spend reading. When I was a little girl one of my favorite things to do was to curl up with a book and read for hours and hours. I would take whatever book I was currently reading into the bath with me and read. Many of my books had curled pages from the steam of the bath. I used to read anywhere from 2-3 books a week, now I find that I can barely get in 1-2 books a year. I think a lot of this is due to the fact that I am reading on a Kindle now instead of holding the real book in my hands. Somehow, holding a book in your hands, feeling the pages turn beneath your fingers, all of the things about reading from a book are so personal. Now, with my Kindle, it feels cold and impersonal and I almost wish I had my real books back. Kind of like I wish I had my other face back. Ah, but for the movement of time. We  all wish we could have more and yet I have realized there isn’t anymore. What I am allotted is what I have and I need to take full advantage of it. Yes, my face is going to change. Yes, my body is going to falter, but hell that’s life. I’m just having trouble adjusting to my “new” older face,  just as I am having trouble adjusting to a book without pages. Guess I’ll just have to deal with it and learn to adjust. Sure wish I had that mirror that the evil step-mother had…..Just kidding!

The Eyes Have It!

Standard
The Eyes Have It!

“In her eyes a thought Grew sweeter and sweeter, deepening like the dawn, A mystical forewarning.” Thomas Bailey 

I love sketching eyes! I sketched this the other night from a photo I found in Boise Weekly. The colors appealed to me and I have always felt that the eyes are the window of the emotions and the heart. It is through looking another in the eye that we discover pieces and fragments of their personality. We discover how they feel and are feeling about other people, situations and life. When you look someone deeply in the eye you see who they are and what they are feeling on their deepest level. The eyes are truly the worlds greatest lie detector and they will tell you everything you need to know about a person in a matter of just a few seconds. The eyes can convey hate and love, peace and serenity, fear and hopelessness and pain. There is always the terrible conveyance of pain and a tear falling from the eye that is enough to raise your emotions to heightened awareness of another’s plight. Don’t fear to look a person in the eyes because that is where the truth lies.

Empty (Cease to Exist) by Jaz

Standard
Empty (Cease to Exist) by Jaz

Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly.

CONAN O’BRIEN

Yesterday, while watching the movie “Helen” starring Ashley Judd I wrote the lyrics to a song. The movie deals with deep depression and suicide, not alcoholism,  but it helped me get my thoughts down on paper about how I have felt dealing with my alcoholism. I am sober now but I know that I will always be an alcoholic. It has been most difficult for me to express why I have drank in the past and to such great extents. This is my first true expression of the depths of my lost soul to alcohol.

Empty (Cease to Exist) by Jaz

I’m poison fruit

If  you only knew how far I’ve fallen

Maybe you’d understand

The depths of despair in my wall and

I feel so alone

Even in the most crowded of places

Storms in my heart

But I just can’t see all the faces

 

Between pain and nothing

There is only this

An empty space in my heart

And I cease to exist

 

Drinking all night

Trying to erase all the pieces

Drinking all day

Never want to remember who I was

Oh, I feel shattered

Scattered into a thousand raindrops

Falling so far

I always wonder will it ever stop

 

Wanting to fade

At the bottom of amber is this

All empty space in my mind

And I cease to exist

 

Honesty Sux Huh?!

Standard
Honesty Sux Huh?!

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” ― Marilyn Monroe

Sometimes being completely honest is entirely too hard for other people to take. I believe they want lies, it’s easier to soak in because that is what they are used to. When you are blatantly honest they don’t know what to think or feel. If you don’t like the truth then stay out of my playground. I will never cease to tell you the truth regardless of what you may think you want to hear. I am not here to coddle you or change your diapers. Poop is ugly, no matter how you look at it! Many times people expect you to eat shit politely with a knife and fork, screw that!

Absolute Truth!

Standard
Absolute Truth!

Words are but symbols for the relations of things to one another and to us; nowhere do they touch upon absolute truthFriedrich Nietzsche

I finally saw the flaw in my humanity. I am weak, just like every other being. I saw my weakness as a frailty in my nature. Fortunately I saw through the glass for the weakness that glass is. Unfortunately the glass was broken.

I am Too Blind to See

Standard
I am Too Blind to See

They call this war a cloud over the land. But they made the weather and then they stand in the rain and say ‘Shit, it’s raining!’

Ok, WTF. I went to the store last night and here comes that damn murder of crows. What is the deal?! Just when I think I finally am at peace things just get tossed. I feel like someone is trying to pull me into a twisted knot like a pretzel. I just wrote, not so long ago, about the “Omen of Crows”. I don’t seem to be able to escape those black bastards. I really wish they would stop following me. They seemed to be travelling the same direction I was travelling as if to tell me, “Stop! Don’t go that way!” Maybe I put to much cadence in nature but I can’t help myself because I believe nature has it’s own way of resolving issues, selective evolution and all that crap. I love Buddha, very much, but he really has to stop sending me messages. Nature has it’s own way of speaking to us and if we listen very carefully we can hear every subtle message it sends, although at times too painful to hear, so we choose to ignore what is blatantly in front of us. Maybe I am being so blind that I just refuse to hear or see what is right in front of me biting me right on the nose.

It’s Time to Focus!

Standard
It’s Time to Focus!

We can always choose to perceive things differently. You can focus on what’s wrong in your life, or you can focus on what’s right.
Marianne Williamson

I must admit that my focus has been out of skew. I allowed myself to fall in a well of self pity and that was wrong. There have been quite a few changes that hit so fast I wasn’t ready for them. I promised myself that I was going to get on track, and I will. I will not allow my hurting to drag me down anymore than I have. Thank you to those that have read my blogs and shown care and concern, it’s very sweet and has made me feel better!

Facing the Changes

Image
Facing the Changes

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. Anatole France

Things have changed so rapidly in my life, it seems, in just a few short weeks. There are so many new and exciting challenges I must face, yet these same challenges frighten me. Every part of my world has just been turned upside down. The challenges are coming in my relationships with the people I love the most, my chosen career, and school is always a challenge. I am trying to be a strong person and face these changes with courage, yet there are times when I feel quite overwhelmed and would just like to curl up in bed, pull the covers over my head and say “To hell with it!”  But, I am a fighter, always have been and always will be. I am not one to just take shit and eat it politely with a knife and a fork. So, I say to life “bring it”, watch how this sister rolls and be prepared for the biggest battle you have ever lost because I will walk away from this and whether I win or lose I will be proud of myself for making the effort.

Learning to Fly

Standard
Learning to Fly

Aquarius Horoscope for week of February 9, 2012

Verticle Oracle cardAquarius (January 20-February 19)
Maybe there is a soulmate for you in this world. Maybe there isn’t. But you can count on this: If that person is out there, you will never bond with him or her by clinging to a set of specific expectations about how it should happen. He or she will not possess all the qualities you wish for and will not always treat you exactly as you want to be. I’m sure you already know this deep down, Aquarius, but hearing it from an objective observer like me might help liberate you further from the oppressive fantasy of romantic perfection. That way you can better recognize and celebrate the real thing.

I don’t particularly believe in astrology, especially because I am Buddhist, but this week and the last few astrological projections from “Free Will Astrology” have been trying to tell me something and I really wish it would stop! I don’t know why the cosmic forces are messing with my world right now, and really,  could you knock it off!  I just only hope I don’t come back as a duck or some crazy thing like that in my next life, a good looking duck I would not make.

Living the Dream

Standard
Living the Dream

“Excellence can be obtained if you care more than others think is wise, risk more than others think is safe, dream more than others think is practical, expect more than others think is possible.” -Unknown

I like to believe that this much is very true. That if I strive for excellence and care very much about the things I am passionate about they will pay me back ten fold with fulfillment and joy. A great part of reaching this excellence is achieved in stepping out on the edge of the cliff and not allowing yourself to be afraid of the HUGE drop in front of you. It is to look at the fear of failure and face it head on and tell yourself I will not be afraid. For if I risk nothing I gain nothing. You have to dream big and face those frightening challenges ahead if you are to ever expect to achieve your goals and reach to the highest pinacles.

 

 

 

Practical Magic

Standard
Practical Magic

“Sometimes I feel like there’s a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. The moon tonight, there’s a circle around it. Sign of trouble not far behind. I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing… I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don’t know. Maybe I had my happiness. I don’t want to believe it but, there is no man, Gilly. Only that moon.”   ( from Practical Magic)

This is one of my all time favorite quotes of all time and it fits my life in many ways. It coincides with my earlier blog on fear https://catseyesk.wordpress.com/2012/02/02/living-in-fear/ 

Living in Fear

Standard
Living in Fear

 Charles Dickens – “Oh, haggard mind, groping darkly through the past incapable of detaching itself from the miserable present dragging its heavy chain of care through imaginary feasts and revels, and scenes of awful pomp seeking but a moment’s rest among the long-forgotten haunts of childhood, and the resorts of yesterday and dimly finding fear and horror everywhere” 

I have lived my life in constant fear without ever really knowing it. I am just beginning to learn how much my life has been shrouded in fear. It has caused me to be unable move forward in a lot of things, relationships, my music, a lot more than I care to count. Whenever I feel frightened of something or insecure my first reaction, my knee-jerk reaction is to close up and run. When you come from a distended family that is not affectionate and abusive you do this as a mode of protection. It’s a way of protecting yourself and shielding yourself from things that may hurt you, it’s the same reaction we have when something is flying at us, we curl up and turn away from it so it causes the least damage. I went to a concert last night and while walking there I noticed how bruised the sky looked, the sun had gone down for the most part and the clouds were shades of purple, blue and gray. It looked much like a healing bruise. If the sky can heal why can’t I?