Tag Archives: aging

Gravity

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Gravity

I discovered the secret of the sea in meditation upon a dewdrop. Kahlil Gibran 

I am so used to my days being either entirely insanely busy or entirely quiet. Either way, it drives me crazy, just the same. I have the hardest time sitting still and just meditating on a single drop of water. It seems like I am always waiting for the water drop to fall, fall off a tap in a kitchen, fall from the leaf of a beautiful flower, fall in the garden. Just simply fall. Sometimes, o.k. most of the time, I forget to just look at the drop of water. All my busy mind sees is a crashing rolling sea of salt water waiting to suck me under her eddy and tides. To wax and wane me at her will. My mind refuses to see the simple rounded drops of a single little drop of water presented to me as a gift. My mind refuses to see the reflections mirrored in reverse and completely upside down. It’s like the saying that, “You can’t see the forest for the trees.”  A different perspective, an entirely new perspective and my brain absolutely refuses to register this upside down “Alice” world and all it’s gifts and beauty. This surrealistic world where dreams are reality and reality dreams. This is the biggest down fall in my search for Buddhism and peace. I Can Not sit still. I thought, foolishly, that as I got older I would somehow achieve some sort of plane of simplicity, some sort of simpatico with the universe, but I find, as I get older, I am busier than ever.  I am more active than ever in such a different way. I was amazingly aware of things when I was 18 and 19, 23 and 24. My awareness has taken on a different panorama. It’s as if my mind has become skewed and twisted. I still feel 24 in body and spirit, but it takes just one look in the mirror to make me realize I am seeing that dew drop that is waiting to fall off the leaf of the flower, that one mirrored drop waiting to fall off the tap,  and it’s as if I am seeing it for the first time.  This is not a depressed blog, it’s just a simple fact. I ride my mountain bike around without a care in the world, I see the beauty around me and it registers, I don’t feel 42. There is still this part of my mind that sees all the beauty that surrounds me. I am constantly reminded how alive I really am.  I am so fortunate to be able to ride a mountain bike, walk and hike, enjoy my day, create art, make music, love and live. I realize that  that dew drop, albeit upside down and in reverse, is just a reflection of my life, only older and still waiting, waiting patiently to understand when gravity will take hold. Buddhism will find me and I only hope it finds me worthy. I hope it finds me strong enough, worthy enough, and lotus worthy. I hope karma looks at my life’s journey and allows me the honor of coming back as a bird or a fish and doesn’t choose to turn me into a toad stool, no matter how many fairy rings I created. Don’t take this as a sad blog, it’s not, by a long shot. It’s simply an observation of my life and the life around me. It’s pretty cool that I am aware who I am and where I am on the food chain.

                                                   

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Time!

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Time!

Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain. You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today

And then one day you find ten years have got behind you. No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun. Pink Floyd

I have been doing some reminiscing the past week and have come to realize a few things. Why is it that men age so much more gracefully than women? Just past 42 and I see the lines in my face of time, the scars in my face of the past and I still see a pretty face, just a different one. I find that I use more makeup now than I ever have in my life except when going out for a special night. Trying my best to disguise the lines, trying to cover the scars. I have also been reminiscing about the time I used to spend reading. When I was a little girl one of my favorite things to do was to curl up with a book and read for hours and hours. I would take whatever book I was currently reading into the bath with me and read. Many of my books had curled pages from the steam of the bath. I used to read anywhere from 2-3 books a week, now I find that I can barely get in 1-2 books a year. I think a lot of this is due to the fact that I am reading on a Kindle now instead of holding the real book in my hands. Somehow, holding a book in your hands, feeling the pages turn beneath your fingers, all of the things about reading from a book are so personal. Now, with my Kindle, it feels cold and impersonal and I almost wish I had my real books back. Kind of like I wish I had my other face back. Ah, but for the movement of time. We  all wish we could have more and yet I have realized there isn’t anymore. What I am allotted is what I have and I need to take full advantage of it. Yes, my face is going to change. Yes, my body is going to falter, but hell that’s life. I’m just having trouble adjusting to my “new” older face,  just as I am having trouble adjusting to a book without pages. Guess I’ll just have to deal with it and learn to adjust. Sure wish I had that mirror that the evil step-mother had…..Just kidding!

It’s My Life

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It’s My Life

 The fence around a cemetery is foolish, for those inside can’t get out and those outside don’t want to get in.   Brisbane, Arthur

I am having claustrophobia today! It’s going to be my 42nd Birthday on Sunday and I’m sitting here postulating death! What a maudlin person am I to sit contemplating 50 when I haven’t yet begun to live. I realize of course I am just being foolish and on that note I think I will go out and have some fun!