“If you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people.” ― Virginia Woolf
Ok, I will be the first to admit that I have been in a deeply pensive, philosophical mood the last few days. I get that way. Sometimes I blurt out exactly what I am feeling and forget that, at times, my honesty can be so blaring and blatantly painful to those who are caught unawares in the heat of my expression. I will not apologize for being honest about my feelings, but I will say that I only hope you understand that I need to express what I am feeling when I am feeling it. It is not intended as a weapon to wound you. The last thing I would ever chose to do is harm another by my words and certainly never with my fists. I just need to express myself or I will disintegrate and possibly explode. That’s not to say that I feel any particular way all the time. They are just vague but strong feelings that cross over my heart like a cloud blocks out the sun, but, as in life, the cloud passes. Please don’t take it too much to heart, this too shall pass! Never, ever forget that you are my best friend, you are the heart of my hearts and the love of my life!
I am not a BIG ONJ fan, but if the shoe fits
“Light is meaningful only in relation to darkness, and truth presupposes error. It is these mingled opposites which people our life, which make it pungent, intoxicating. We only exist in terms of this conflict, in the zone where black and white clash.” Louis Aragon
Whether we know it or not we all have dual natures, a darkness that meets the light. Most people are afraid to explore the darker side of their duality, the darker side of their nature. The fear of what they may find if they looked really deep into that dark pit keeps them rooted in ignorance of the truth within them. It takes a strong person to face their darkest fears, and those darkest of fears are the things which they desire that are not considered “normal” by societies moral standards. They fear the carnal desires that may live deep in their psyches, down in the trenches, pushed down and controlled. What of the serial killer? Is this the person who has examined his duality and acted on those desires?…It begs the question. However, if you truly want to know who you are you must explore those deep dark caverns to know with absolute certainty what and who you are in even your darkest fear and desire.
“Our lives improve only when we take chances and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves.” -Walter Anderson
The person I lie to the most is myself. I swear I should have a State of the Jaz address once a year like the President or Governor does, the difference being maybe I could be honest. It would be nice if I just sat down with me and said, “Hey me, why am I lying to myself about how I feel about things?” I am so bad about admitting my true feelings about certain areas in my life. I don’t like to admit my short comings, I don’t like to admit that I haven’t done as many things in this life that I have wanted to, sometimes I think I just can’t bear to see who I am really deep down. I told a friend yesterday that I am like a still pool of water until you drop a pebble in and see all the ripples and the depth.I think I am afraid to drop that pebble and see who I am, who I really am underneath that smooth exterior. One vow this year,I am dropping the pebble.I am going to go spelunking in the caves of my heart!