When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. Emo Philips
It appears that I am caught in some sort of karmic justice boomerang. I keep running into people from my past that I thought were long gone. I find, even after all this time, literally years, I still have trouble letting go of “stuff”. Believe me I try, but it isn’t easy. The Buddhist in me says that I must forgive and let go in order to move forward, but it is so hard when all these mix of emotions come welling up inside. You put on a good face and just try to pretend like everything is ok, when deep down inside you know it’s not. You’re standing there smiling at this person that hurt you, you are saying “Hi” and all the general small talk, and you know that you are simply putting on a false front, you are bald face lying when your smiling! I don’t know whether I hate myself more for being fake and pretending a false forgiveness that I don’t honestly feel or whether I hate myself more so for my inability to let go and go on. I am trying to grow as a Buddhist and I find that at times like this my faith and belief is really put to the test. Maybe this is karma’s way of giving them a chance to say “I am sorry”. I don’t know. I do know that two simple words go a long way toward mending the bridge of past hurts and ill will. With that I leave you with one of my all time favorite heartbreak songs…..
I know it seems like I’m this strong person who can get through anything, but inside I’m fragile. I’ve had so many things thrown at me, and each one has only made a crack. What I’m afraid of is shattering.
I cried myself to sleep last night, yesterday was a really bad day and I haven’t wanted a drink more since I quit than I did yesterday, and I have never wanted to quit music more than I did yesterday. I didn’t give in to the unholy terror ripping through the core of my being, but don’t think that I didn’t want to. It is so hard to face the knowing, the knowledge that you have something really beautiful inside you to give and no one wants it. You are ignored and treated like crap by even the ones closest to you. You think I would be used to it by now, it’s been that way my entire life. My mother had an ignore button and she’s apparently not the only one. The day started out good, I found a sponsor, but then it just went to crap. What still sticks in my mind was when a person I like very much said something completely rude and snide to me. I was trying not to take up his time because I knew he was busy and I though his son was going to fix our beverages for us. Like an idiot I said this and he snapped at me and made a point of reminding me who he is. It hurt! What this friend probably didn’t know was that I was already a wounded animal when I walked up to the counter. Well my wounds were only going to get deeper before the day was finished with me. I sat at a table with my beverage and waited. Next thing I know my lead guitar player/husband was gone and didn’t say a word, I was left there sitting alone, beverage in hand and hurt. He was where I wanted to be. So I left and went home and cried myself to sleep. It’s morning and I am still crying. Why can’t my heart have a crap cleaner like my computer?
- The Fragile (happyperdition.wordpress.com)
- Pain of Glass (myownheart.me)
- Fragility (unexpectedlovely.wordpress.com)
- Fragile strength (butterflywarrior.typepad.com)
“Earthquakes just happen. Tornadoes just happen. Your tongue does not just happen to fall into some other girls mouth!”
― Gemma Halliday, Deadly Cool
Kira and I have been insanely busy getting ready for our gig on Wednesday, she has been stressed out because of the rehearsal time involved. Now, to add to her stress, she just found a bunch of nude pics of a girl that lives 2 doors down from her boyfriend. If that’s not bad enough, this girl and Kira’s boyfriend have been exchanging sexual text messages. She came home crying and I held her. I don’t know how to tell her that 18 year old boys do really stupid things. I didn’t know how to tell her that 18 year old boys think with their little head. I didn’t know how to take away her hurt. It made me cry, like the first time she got her inoculations, or the first time she scraped her knee. But this, this is far worse because her pain is inside and I don’t have a band-aid for that and it hurts me inside that I can’t help her. All I can do is give her words and support her. I told her to dump the ass clown immediately, problem is, she’s in love with him. We know, as adults, how quickly and easily we forgive when we love someone really deep. All I can do now, as a mother, is support her and try to keep her busy so she doesn’t sit and dwell on the fact that this boy, that I liked so well, is not worthy of her love.