In All Honesty…..

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This has been the hardest 2 years of my life. In all reality I’m closer than I have ever been to where I want to be as a musician yet farther away from where I want to be as a participant in social life and as a musician. My mother has slowly but surely taken a turn down hill and she exhausts me, even now. She’s 10 miles away in a nursing home but I can already feel the pressure from her coming home, maybe next week. I tend to alienate ppl away from my life so they don’t have to see what I am going through. The last month, since my Mom has been away in a nursing home,  have been some of the most peaceful restful weeks , but that’s about to come to an end. The closer she gets to coming home the more frantic I get because she can be very manipulative and demanding.. 

I know this sounds cold but when you have no one else to help you her demands are exhausting. Unfortunately I have gotten worn out over the last two years and have taken it out on ppl around me. I don’t mean to. Seriously, but my energy is completely ripped out of me and when my Mom is around I just get pissed and spit stuff out of my mouth when ppl are around because no one really knows how I feel or what I am going through. I want her to come home but there is a huge part of me that wants her to stay away. She’s wearing me down, I do everything I can, but this is probably why my 7 step-dads never stayed. She wants entirely too much that I can’t give and I have absolutely no family support for the last 10 years except my husband and it’s wearing him down too. It’s any wonder why I am angry.

I am not trying to whine here. I am just telling you that I have said and done some things that are not normally in my nature, but when an animal gets cornered they will do whatever it takes to survive. I feel cornered and I have no one really to help me with this. I guess this is my form of an apology before the storm hits. The minute she comes home I’m afraid my peace and serenity are going to hell. This is pretty much how I feel…

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