If You Could Feel What I feel Then You Would Know What I Feel

I learned to be with myself rather than avoiding myself with limiting habits; I started to be aware of my feelings more, rather than numb them. Judith Wright

When you stop using mind altering substances, such as alcohol in my case, you are forced out of your little numb closet into the world of feelings. Suddenly you realize you are alive and you can feel. Those feelings can become overwhelming because when you begin to feel again every emotion begins to take on the proportions of a bright painting in the vivid neon colors that are so intense they hurt your eyes and you are powerless to turn away from the painting even though it burns your vision. Yesterday was just such a day for me. I went through my day just as surely as if I were a  zombie plodding along going down some strange path and going through the motions without knowing why I was doing that or where I was going. I wasn’t numb, in fact I was far from it, I was in a deep pensive funk that I couldn’t seem to shake and I burst into tears at one point for absolutely no reason.  I guess instead of taking the day off from my normally busy schedule I should have kept busy but I had no way of knowing that my mind was going to be in such a turmoil of mixed emotions. Sometimes being too busy can be a very good thing. 

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Body and Mind

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.” – Reinhold Niebuhr 

Ok, so here’s the deal. Now that I have changed my mind’s perspective it is time to go after the body. Since I am no longer drinking my calories and I am eating normally instead of going days without eating, choosing to drink instead, I am starting to put on some weight. So, now that I have the mind in line it’s time to start taking care of the positive effects of what is happening to my body. My family has this terrible problem with obesity and my body image has always been of huge concern to me. My mother is pushing 275#’s and my grandmother weighed just about that when she passed. Excuse my vanity Buddha, but I like looking good and I don’t like little pockets of fat sticking out all over my body. I made a command decision yesterday that I would take a 1-2 hour bike ride every morning. So this is it…day 1 of the beginning of a new path for me…the path of caring for the positive effects happening to my mind as well as my body. Wish me luck!

A New Day and A New Way

Forget the worries and the drama; life is too short. Let’s kiss slowly, laugh insanely, live truly, and forgive quickly.-Unknown

Up until a very short while ago my life was in complete turmoil. It’s amazing how quickly life can turn around and everything is viewed in a different light with just a few changes. Most of the changes that came in my life were pretty major, but they were all for the better. I feel I have been given a second chance at life in many areas that I had given up on. I had given up on myself and any hope of living in sobriety and that was a huge change.I have been living sober and loving every minute of it. I had forgotten what a joy life can be when you are not looking through a set of amber glasses, clouded over with alcohol. I have been given a second chance with my daughter, who I was sure I had lost forever. For that I am eternally grateful and I have absolutely no intention of letting that ever slip from my hands again. My relationship with my husband has improved 110%. It wasn’t really bad before but it wasn’t great either. Somewhere, I’m not sure when, we lost sight of each other. It nearly caused us to separate.  Now that we are back on solid ground I am so glad I finally had the where with all to see what I was doing wrong and have been given a chance at amends. I took our marriage for granted for far too long and in my blindness it was almost too late. It’s amazing to me how much things have changed in one month and I am ever so grateful that I was able to pull up out of the deep depression I was falling into. It was so deep I didn’t even realize I was going to crash and burn, but you never see that until you have moments of clarity and lucidity. I am going to take this opportunity that has been granted me and make the very best and most of it. For today is a new step toward a new day and a new way.

 

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Facing the Changes

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. Anatole France

Things have changed so rapidly in my life, it seems, in just a few short weeks. There are so many new and exciting challenges I must face, yet these same challenges frighten me. Every part of my world has just been turned upside down. The challenges are coming in my relationships with the people I love the most, my chosen career, and school is always a challenge. I am trying to be a strong person and face these changes with courage, yet there are times when I feel quite overwhelmed and would just like to curl up in bed, pull the covers over my head and say “To hell with it!”  But, I am a fighter, always have been and always will be. I am not one to just take shit and eat it politely with a knife and a fork. So, I say to life “bring it”, watch how this sister rolls and be prepared for the biggest battle you have ever lost because I will walk away from this and whether I win or lose I will be proud of myself for making the effort.

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