‘If a child is to keep alive his inborn sense of wonder, he needs the companionship of at least one adult who can share it, rediscovering with him the joy, excitement and mystery of the world we live in.’ — Rachel Carson
With that I leave you with The Psychedelic Furs…
I am going off on a strange little tangent today. My hero when I was growing up was Scooby Doo, in fact he still is. I just loved that wonderful Great Dane with his goofy, stoned side kick Shaggy. And one had to wonder just what were in those Scooby Snacks anyway? I loved the supernatural freaks that my favorite canine crusader battled each day as I parked in front of the TV after school. I also loved the constant cast of famous stars, in cartoon form, like “The Monkees“, Don Knots and Laurel and Hardy, not to mention the groovy music and the Mystery Van. Weren’t you always wondering if Fred and Daphne were an item. I always did, and naturally assumed they were. Then there’s poor Thelma. Poor, poor Thelma, who, while being most of the brains behind the cartoon crime solvers, just never really fit in. I stopped watching Scooby Doo around the time that Scooby’s nephew Scrappy appeared, because frankly he got on my nerves, him and his damn “puppy power”! I still love Scooby and probably always will because he brings me back to a time when life was simple and the biggest problem of my day was figuring out how Scooby and the gang were going to bust the nefarious marauders.
There are two lasting bequests we can give our children. One is roots. The other is wings. ~Hodding Carter, Jr.
My daughter has informed me that she’s leaving to Alaska on Saturday. She’s leaving and spreading her wings. I tried to explain to her that she’s leaving what feels like a cage here to a cage there. She’s running scared because she’s pregnant. I tried to tell her that changing scenery is not going to alter circumstance. Of course she won’t listen to me, I’m only her mother. She’s running away from me and herself to grandparents that she doesn’t know and they don’t know her. They are the ones that sent her the plane tickets, not just for her but for her boyfriend that is leading her around by the nose. Don’t even get me started on the boy’s mother. She’s just happy that a girl, my foolish daughter, is getting her lazy, good-for-nothing son out of her hair. Why did it have to be my daughter that finally got this lazy boy off his lazy ass and out of his mother’s home? My daughter sent me a message on Facebook that she wanted to see me before she left and I told her “no”. I will not apologize for refusing to see my daughter off to a foolish expedition without a plan or any foresight. I know me too well, anything I say to her is surely going to sound like judgment and it will come across harsh. So, I chose not to see her. I choose not to see her because as surely as the Earth rotates on it’s axis I know that if I try to speak to or look at my foolish child right now I am putting my sobriety at risk. I am not sorry to say that I am being selfish about my sobriety. I wish her the best, but deep down I already know how this is going to turn out and she will have to find out for herself. There are so many things wrong with this picture, her boyfriend’s mother is so happily throwing her child to the wind in her over-exuberance to have her son out of her house and on his own when he doesn’t have a pot to piss in or the knowledge of how to get a pot, and dragging along my pregnant daughter with him. His mother uses this fallacious argument that “I have raised my kid!” I could say to my daughter, “If it were me”, but it isn’t me and at this point she is going to make her mistakes and I’m only afraid that this is one that she is going to pay for dearly. I’m sorry for her because I think she’s going to realize her mistake but it’s going to be too late and her pride won’t let her tell me so.
Love isn’t a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun, like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now. Fred Rogers
If you don’t like something change it; if you can’t change it, change the way you think about it. Mary Engelbrei
Ok, so my therapist wants me to write a letter to my mom about all the resentments I have toward her. Damn man! Why? I am where I am in my thinking about my mother and I don’t understand why she wants me to dredge up past resentments that I have let go of. That is not the Buddhist way and I don’t like rolling that way. I think that a majority of women have resentments toward their mothers and no matter how good or evil their mothers are or were they are set up to fail no matter what they do. We daughters put a high level of expectation upon our mothers because that is the matriarch we look up to. It’s really not fair to them, if you think about. We take our mothers and place them upon this pedestal that I think not even the best of mothers can reach the pinnacle of and when they don’t reach our level of expectation we get angry and resentful. That’s not fair to them. They are human and fallible just like everyone, but I think we daughters look to our mothers as some sort of superhuman with no kryptonite and that’s our own fault. Sure, my mom was a self-involved creature and I know for a fact she never wanted children, but her moral beliefs would not allow her to “get rid” of us. She was more interested in partying and being free than being strapped to 3 children. Oh well, I can do nothing to change who she was then, I can’t change all the ways she let me down then, what I am capable of changing is the kaleidoscope I view our relationship through. I can chose to see all the colors as dark and bleak, or I can choose to see the color values that stand out the most, the positive colors and I can choose to forgive her and myself for not seeing all the pretty rainbow of colors sooner.
The water is your friend. You don’t have to fight with water, just share the same spirit as the water, and it will help you move. ~Aleksandr Popov
I had forgotten how great swimming is. When you swim you are weightless, all that stands before you, above you, below you is the blue. How quickly we forget, but it only takes a child to make you remember. Kira made me go shopping for a new bathing suit, that was painful! It was well worth it. We dove, we swam and I forgot, until yesterday, how cool it was to swim. When you are in the water everything is free, you don’t feel pain, you don’t feel much of anything. The water, cold when it first touches the skin, reminds you that there is peace. I felt a relaxation I hadn’t felt in months, thank you Kira!
And on that note.
“We must always remember, and never, ever forget and leave those we love behind.” Marion Ward
This is a youtube video I just produced of a cover we did of “Nights in White Satin” by the Moody Blues. The pictures are all from the last year and include pictures from a birth, my great nephew Hunter Miller, my nephews wedding, Jacob to Amanda Miller, Mike’s birthday/ Saint Patrick’s Day, Easter, and Kira’s graduation. Michael and I went into the studio and recorded this around 2008 and we still play it. It’s a beautiful song and I wanted to share with my family and friends what a beautiful year this has been. This is a great way to remember Memorial Day 2012. To all my fellow bloggers, friends and family “THANK YOU” for the beautiful memories you have given me, the wonderful thoughts you have shared on your blogs and on Facebook…I love you all and hope everyone has a safe and happy Memorial Day weekend….and as always, Peace Jaz
“Do not go where the path may lead; go instead where there is no path and leave a trail” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
She’s done it! My beautiful daughter received her diploma and is on her path to the future. The graduation ceremony was wonderful and I caught myself, more then once, wiping tears from my eyes. Watching my child walk up on that podium and receive her well-earned diploma brought so many wonderful thoughts to my mind. She has jumped the first big hurdle in her life, the first of many to come, and I couldn’t be more proud. I had nothing to do with her success as a student, that’s all on her and her own perseverance. I know she is a strong young woman and I know, by her personality, that she will succeed in whatever endeavor she chooses to undertake. That’s the biggest role a parent can play in their child’s life…having faith and believing in our children is one of the best gifts we can give them. Showing them our love and how much they make us proud is not only our duty as a parent, it is an important factor in a child’s development, and if we hold these little gifts back from them we are being unfair to the child and ourselves. I not only think of my daughter as the child of my heart but I value her as a best friend. I don’t know how other parents feel about their children or treat them but I share just about everything with my daughter. We play music together, we do art together, we both love to spend time outdoors together. Whether we are riding bikes, taking the dog for a walk, going swimming, it really matters not, What does matter, at the end of the day, is that we spend quality time together, talking about each other’s hopes and dreams and just listening to one another. This is what I value, this is what I love. I hope that you as a parent come to have the kind of wonderful friendship with your child that I have for mine, there really is nothing more precious than having a lifelong friend that is the heart of your heart and blood of your blood.
Run rabbit run
Dig that hole, forget the sun
And when at last the work is down
Don’t sit down, it’s time to dig another one
Up until Saturday everything was relatively under control. I spent all morning and afternoon working on my gardens. Pulling weeds, sending encouragement and love to the newly planted seeds and vegetables. Rosie decided to help, but her idea of help is what it is, not very useful…see for yourself.
At the end of the day it’s all good, I got my gardening done and she got her nappy-poo. Well, then it was time to get ready for dinner and a night out with my BF Boo. We hadn’t really sat down and talked in like 3 years because he lives 3 hours away and we had a lot of ground to cover. Boo and Nick, his younger brother, took me out for pool and we had a blast, but a very late night. Since Monday my week is already picking up speed like a runaway freight train. I have had no time to write until today, I have to go pick up my mountain bike which has been in the shop over a week, I have to get ready for my daughter’s graduation for which I have the fun of spending several hours on the drive from the Boise area to ISU in Pocatello and back again, thank Buddha for my Kindle. I have this insane list of things that I need to do before leaving at 5 am Thursday morning and I am already exhausted LOL. Now, my darling mother has informed me that she wants to put the car in the shop between now and Wednesday, and I am thinking, “That’s fabulous, but where on Earth do I squeeze the car into the few minutes of sanity I have left?”
I will manage, I always do, and guess what, everything on my ever increasing list most likely will not get done. Ciest la vie. I am only one person. Can someone sell me an extra day?
But I like to know that someone is stronger than I am. I want to be able to know that if I get tired, somebody is there to hold up the fort. I like knowing that I can’t pick a refrigerator alone. God did not make me strong enough to do that. Donna Summer
When I was reading the other day that Donna Summer had passed I was touched with a deep feeling of nostalgia and sadness. Nostalgia because my memories of Donna Summer are touched by some of my happiest childhood memories. I think it was around 1981 or 1982. We had moved to this great new house in the upper end of town and my mother had become best friends with Gloria, the woman who lived across the street from us. She had several children, including a girl my age named Lori. My mom and Gloria had a ritual of going out on a Friday or Saturday night every weekend. I would always end up over at Lori’s house. We would do what all little girls do, dream. We would take out her mom’s Donna Summer records and dream of the day when we would be old enough to actually go to a disco. Her mother had this great collection of disco clothes. The tight spandex type of pants that were oh so shiny. She had the spangled tops and some very cool disco dresses. We would raid her closet and change into disco outfits and put Donna Summer on and dance the night away, just singing and dancing until we dropped and then we would dream dreams of being Donna Summer. I remember thinking to myself back then that I thought that she was one of the most beautiful black women I had ever seen, in fact one of the most beautiful women I had ever seen. It was with a deep sadness that I read that she had passed because another chapter of my childhood had closed. Peace be with you Donna, wherever you are, and thank you for some of the best memories of my childhood.
My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it. Mark Twain
Mom,
I realize that I was a very spirited child from the get go, even before I was born. You love to tell friends how I was supposed to be born in December but refused to come out of the womb until February. The fact of the matter is I must have liked it in there. It takes a special kind of strength to deal with my eccentricities, my hippy Bohemian ways, my artistic temper tantrums, my drunken revelries and all that has gone along with being my mom. You have always supported my artistic temperament and before you got sick I have cherished the memories of all my gigs that you have gone to and supported me in just by your presence alone. I’m sure you must be my #1 fan. I am fortunate to have a mother that has always supported me in whatever “new” endeavor I have chosen to take on….I love you Mom…Happy Mother’s Day! Your Daughter, Jaz
I hope your dreams take you to the corners of your smiles, to the highest of your hopes, to the windows of your opportunities, and to the most special places your heart has ever known. ~Author Unknown
My beautiful daughter is packing today to head to Pocatello for her Graduation and I am so excited for her. The best gift I could have ever received this Mother’s Day is the gift of seeing my only child succeed. I have been truly blessed with a talented, beautiful young woman. She has this magic touch and everything she comes into contact seems to hold some sort of magic for her. She has a great many people who love and absolutely adore her, myself included. What more could a mother ask for than to blessed with such a beautiful child? She has the whole world in front of her and it is my sincerest wish that she should grab the world and taste of its many bountiful fruits. I want you to know Kira how very proud I am of you and that I love you with all my heart and more! Love, your mom.
Later, however, I came to recognize the objective nature of these dreams or fantasies … Thus it was that I gradually came to acknowledge that such fantasies or dreams are neither meaningless nor purely arbitrary but rather convey a sort of ‘second meaning’ of the terms applied. Wolfgang Pauli
I awoke this morning from the strangest dream. I was dreaming about Chris, my daughter’s biological father, a man I hadn’t thought about in years. The dream was strange and unsettling. It may be that I had the dream because my daughter, Kira, is soon to graduate and I realize the vast chasm that is between her life and his. I also feel the vacuum at times when she speaks of him, which isn’t often. It could be that when we went for a walk together the other day we spoke briefly of her father. She has no desire to see him and neither do I. He gave up all those rights 17 and 3/4 years ago when he chose to continue using meth. I gave him a clear and concise choice, it was either Kira and I or the drugs, he made his obvious choice. It saddens me that a man, who was clearly so loving couldn’t find the inner strength to choose to do the right thing. To choose a loving caring family over a drug riddled future that led absolutely no where but to purgatory and misery. We each of us make our choices, for the good or the better, the bed we make is the one we lie in.
As long as your intention is pure, and you know what you’re in it for, then you’re alright. And I’m in it because I enjoy it. I take it seriously… real seriously. I mean I could sit and talk all day about the music. Trey Anastasio
What a crazy weekend! I had visions of getting some music finished, reading the rest of this civil war book I have been on for a week now, doing some artwork and working on my garden. Oh, I did get somethings accomplished. One new song learned and one on the table, I’m 1/2 way through that damn book, that I am enjoying BTW, and I planted my sunflowers. Hey, that’s pretty good. I shouldn’t complain, after all we went and got my daughter her futon couch/bed that she wanted and managed to build her a closet complete with shelves. Hey man, I’m not complaining, everything is right with the world. my daughter finally feels like she has her place here and screw that civil war novel. I can finish that anytime. Everything is right with the world!
There is an art, or rather a knack to flying. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. ~Douglas Adams, Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy
My beautiful daughter passed her driving test with an instructor yesterday at 97% and I am very proud of her. Does she have her wings yet? No. She failed the written part, but that’s ok. I’m not quite ready to release her out of her chrysalis and see her fly away yet. I know, selfish of me. I simply can’t help it. I love having her presence around me. She is an amazing person and I think most of the time she doesn’t realize how beautiful she really is, not just in physicality but also in spirit. How on Earth did I manage to create such a wonderful person. I only hope that her friends and mate realize what they have in front of them….
Inspiration Deficit Disorder is about losing your vitality and purpose, and forgetting your original source of love and potential. It’s about the cost of being disconnected and unaware of your own unique talents, needs, and destiny. Jonathan H. Ellerby
This has been an incredible week of creativity in my house and I am sooooo loving it! I have completed yet another drawing, this time of an abstract in multi-media. My husband and I went for a bike ride on Monday, it was such a beautiful day!
As as we were headed to lunch I spotted this very cool piece of disintegrating graffiti on a garage. I ran home and grabbed the camera and took a pic so I could sketch it later.
Among other things, I have finally figured out how to post our music on youtube, If that wasn’t an adventure! So you will be seeing/hearing some of our youtube songs/videos posted on my blog. Hope you enjoy. My daughter always has 10 times more creative energy than I do. She painted this skull and roses last night and I absolutely love it!
I love it when creative energy flows! Now, if that’s not enough Kira has a new boyfriend, Isaiah. He’s a very cool person. He is learning to play guitar, and I think that’s just what this family needs is one more guitar player. We already have 3 so what’s one more?
We are gearing up to play the Farmer’s Market and Kira, my daughter, has agreed to play with me since Mike can’t do it because he’s working in Elko, so the next weeks are going to be really full teaching her to play about 60 songs, some originals and some covers. It will be a lot of fun and I am really looking forward to it. This will be Kira’s first time playing live in front of a crowd. I know she’s nervous but she has such an amazing personality I know she will be fabulous! SO any way…enough bout that! Here is our song from youtube “Smile on Your Brother” It’s a cover we did of The Youngbloods…Enjoy!
I have great belief in the fact that whenever there is chaos, it creates wonderful thinking. I consider chaos a gift. Septima Clark
I just have to laugh. The major life changing events I have been through of late have brought with it chaos. I think I love chaos, isn’t that strange? Until a short while ago my life was filled with an almost manic need to destroy myself, digging myself deeper into a hole I didn’t think I could crawl out of. Now, in what has to be the fastest switch, my life is filled with utter joy and total chaos. Believe it or not, I am relishing the chaos, in some strange way it is giving me purpose and a meaning that has been missing for far too long. My daughter, who just turned 18, is now living with us and is keeping me very busy with her new found friend and all the things that we have to take care of getting her settled in here. My husband, who has been working out of state at a mine, only comes home for 2 days a week so there’s more things to add to my elongated to-do list. Then there’s my writing and my own personal things that I have to take care of. Many times people think chaos is a bad thing, but for myself, one who has struggled with sobriety, the chaos is actually helping me keep my eye on the ball instead of letting it wander to the bottle….What a joy! Whew, can I sit down now?
Forget the worries and the drama; life is too short. Let’s kiss slowly, laugh insanely, live truly, and forgive quickly.-Unknown
Up until a very short while ago my life was in complete turmoil. It’s amazing how quickly life can turn around and everything is viewed in a different light with just a few changes. Most of the changes that came in my life were pretty major, but they were all for the better. I feel I have been given a second chance at life in many areas that I had given up on. I had given up on myself and any hope of living in sobriety and that was a huge change.I have been living sober and loving every minute of it. I had forgotten what a joy life can be when you are not looking through a set of amber glasses, clouded over with alcohol. I have been given a second chance with my daughter, who I was sure I had lost forever. For that I am eternally grateful and I have absolutely no intention of letting that ever slip from my hands again. My relationship with my husband has improved 110%. It wasn’t really bad before but it wasn’t great either. Somewhere, I’m not sure when, we lost sight of each other. It nearly caused us to separate. Now that we are back on solid ground I am so glad I finally had the where with all to see what I was doing wrong and have been given a chance at amends. I took our marriage for granted for far too long and in my blindness it was almost too late. It’s amazing to me how much things have changed in one month and I am ever so grateful that I was able to pull up out of the deep depression I was falling into. It was so deep I didn’t even realize I was going to crash and burn, but you never see that until you have moments of clarity and lucidity. I am going to take this opportunity that has been granted me and make the very best and most of it. For today is a new step toward a new day and a new way.
“I have always been delighted at the prospect of a new day, a fresh try, one more start, with perhaps a bit of magic waiting somewhere behind the morning.” ~John Boyton Priestley
I have been given the chance at a fresh start with my daughter. When she last spoke to me and the last time she was here I was having battles with my rage and my drinking. As of yesterday she has come to live with me, a beautiful gift I never expected and was sure I didn’t deserve. This is a great opportunity for me to start a fresh relationship with my daughter and I plan to grab it for all it’s worth. I’m going to make a fresh start with her and do all that I can to show her that I have changed. That I have become stronger. That I am not the spiteful, mean spirited woman I once was. Oh, for the chance at new beginnings is a blessing that one should never cease to grab hold of and treat it with the care and love it deserves!
Anyone who thinks the art of conversation is dead ought to tell a child to go to bed. Robert C. Gallagher
I just had the most interesting conversation with my daughter! It just dawned on me that, yes, she indeed is a young woman. She is no longer the child that I held in my arms. She stands taller than me for goodness sake! I am proud of her, she just graduated early and is finding her path in life. My sincerest hope is that she follows her artistic path or “autistic path” as I affectionately call it. Being artistic is such a pain in the ass and she knows it too. We talked about how being an artist can cause you a lot of pain. The painting at the top of my blog is one of hers. She never ceases to amaze me with her abilities. I am a very lucky woman to have brought such a beautiful treasure into this world. And yes that is her picture on the blog entry, how lucky am I!
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Le blog givré, pétillant et coloré pour tout ce qui me passe par la tête : mode, beauté, art, culture, cuisine, politique, société... / The frosted, sparkling and colorful blog for all that pass me through the head : fashion, beauty , art, culture, cooking, politics, society...
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